THIS ONE IS PERSONAL: It is the original journal entry that is the basis for my monologue in Culture Bandit Soul (a theater piece that Vanessa Hidary and I have created). When I performed this at The Zipper Theater, some women asked me about it and I thought, even though this is really vulnerable, I wanted to share it.

I FORGAVE YOU THE OTHER DAY
7-29-08

I just forgave you the other day. It took me a long time. In fact, I had nightmares for over 4 years after leaving. They were dreams replicating my past, and in my dreams you’d make me go back…to being trapped, again. You would not allow me to be happy, again. I would be sequestered away, again, in a cycle of promises met with stabbed dreams. My heart was an exposed, ripe fruit looking to love, and you pierced it…No, you stabbed it, violently, with a knife that hurt much worse than the actual knives you used on me. So, I forgave you, finally, the other day…as I walked up to my house. I remembered the way we would schlep back and forth through the backsides of Brooklyn. Any loud noise was cause for you to jump flat to the ground, or duck behind a car, or into a doorway. For years, we anticipated the confrontation with Death. Death stalked you. But I forgave you in the recent moment when I remembered to ask what kind of trauma must have visited your life, such that a common walk down the block was always pregnant with imminent death. And I shared this weight of paranoia with you, back then, because I loved you and believed you. Saw the betrayed little boy in you, and I remembered him recently when I forgave you finally. Poor boy.

I in fact forgave you many times through the years we were together. You did unthinkable things, then after hours and hours of a cyclical argument and physical battle, with no foreseeable resolve, you would melt to your knees and grab me desperately around my legs like a child and beg me. Tell me you love me. You’d promise to kill yourself if I left. You’d tell me you needed me. And I was strong enough to stay, to endure just one more try. Every round, I became colder and colder. I believed you less. Your promises were empty tools for manipulation. I developed the cold violence that you taught me. I thought about murder and death too often. The switch ultimately flicked off, then I could forgive no more. I was so immersed in the reasons why you did those things to me. I failed to acknowledge that a “reason” and an “excuse” are two different things. Your reasons did not earn you an excuse for your actions. Why is it the person I loved more than anything, hurt me more than any one? You took full advantage to trap me, steal me, rape me, hurt me, and expected me to be strong enough for our code of silence. And you know what? I WAS strong. I am strong enough…But after years, I said to myself “I know you can take it, this you’ve proven, but WHY?” Why, did I fall for the lies so many times? My heart – she is too deep. I saw past the hurt you caused me into the eyes of a child, hurt and scared, and I believed in you for both of us. I believed in you. I wanted to raise you from your grave. I wanted to bare all burdens, because I could. My Self has such a natural resource, and you tapped it, almost dry - almost dead. You…almost…used me up.

God renewed my fires every night and every day. Once, my knees buckled under your world, and the world we created together. You prodded me like a cow, to the very edge of myself. And that final delicate nudge toppled me, pouring over the edge, and I melted onto the wooden floor into a ball. Rolling back and forth on the floor, I cried and cried from deep – weeping that pulled up from another world - wells tapped from the core of the core of me, and it sprung up in helpless yelps - shivers rocked me as my threads unraveled and snapped. I cried and I laughed hysterically. Yes, I understand now what that means – Helpless hysterical laughter. Maybe my own spirit understood the absurdity of it all, because I wept and laughed deeply from some place beyond the me I knew. You were the Chinese water torture; you were my prison sentence; You were my demon; You were the one who drew out the impurities, and I faced the darkness. I was capable of the task. I, a lover of Life and People, met the Me who could…almost…kill. And you were the button to it all. Congratulations.

I always had the infinite goodness and resource of strength from God. As I lay melted in a puddle, on my floor, with all the bones within me severed….I no longer had the personal strength to put one minute in front of the other. And in that ball on the floor, I felt a grace come over me. I felt the distinct sensation of being embraced, as though huge wings folded over me, and cupped me up, and brought me back all the love I had bled over time. And the love of my God restored me to peace…the peace of a child, of a little baby knowing it’s mother’s love. So, I forgave you the other day because I let go of those nightmares, and saw the human in you again, but I fear you will always deny the truth of your actions and how you tried to destroy me once, when all I wanted to do was to love you.