MySpace


Robbie Q

Robbie Q. Telfer


Last Updated: 11/18/2009

Send Message
Instant Message
Email to a Friend
Subscribe

Gender: Male
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 29
Sign: Virgo

City: Chicago
State: Illinois
Country: US
Signup Date: 1/9/2006

Who Gives Kudos:


Tuesday, October 21, 2008 

this past weekend i attended an event at UW madison called Passing the Mic.  it's a spoken word festival for midwest spoken word programs, and it culminated with our kids performing alongside the UW madison first wave undergrad poets and dennis kim, kevin coval, josh healey, rafael casal, and patricia smith.  there were workshops and lots of free dorm food and a good time seemed to be had by all.  i think it's a really great thing for the kids to spend an extended period of time with brilliant mentors like dennis and patricia.  plus madison is one of my favorite runaway-from-life places.

patricia ran a workshop where the prompt was to write a persona response to the man who yelled "kill him!" at the sarah palin rally in clearwater, florida recently when she invoked barack obama.  i wrote my poem with a real dope first wave kid named mike, and though i don't have his part (told from the perspective of obama's memorial sculptor), i wrote a piece from the perspective of an alaskan moose (which was also mike's idea).  so that part of the duet is below.  i slammed with it at the green mill last night and everything.

Field Dressed for Success: The Moose Speaks

I didn't hear about it from TV -
I've never seen a TV and news
around here comes methodic and
slow satellite super delay on the
wings of terns and geese those
gossipy shit factories.

But since the daughter of my
familiar mud hopped onto the
comet tail campaign trail
I've been just a glob on a log
waiting for the next message
to descend in tern in tern a
wreck of hopeful disgust.
You. Betcha.

At first it seemed like miscommunication
like maybe the gentleman before
sister Sarah had said "thrill him" or
perhaps "krill him" - something not
unheard of around here - what better
way to calm an uppity baleen-feeding
gray or humpback or blue than with
some tasty tasty krill?  And I could
see why some might think "Obama"
was some kind of exotic restless
peace-minded submarine with innards.

Upon further discourse with the turtles -
who are so objective they're practically
objects - it became clear as water the
fellow must have said "kill him" kill
him kill him kill him kill him kill him...

This caused quite an uproar -
the fuming foxes leaping and barking
the spitting elk
the screaming mosquitoes
bears swaying their great neck cranes
from side to side even
the turtles silently shuddered.

I don't see the big deal.
This is his purpose - to
be wanted and hunted
to be killed is the key
to immortality and beauty
I've found my own purpose
is to die I've never been
so popular in my life since
this election began and
it's not a live moose that
made me famous our
death is a disease of
clean our blood is the
lipstick of pitbulls and
everyone knows what
my name means kill
him kill him kill him.

Why should she say anything?
How do you expect to understand we
odd machines if we're not dismantled?

Dan Sully, Nine-Dollionaire
Dan Sullivan

 
Robbie, I really like this piece. I was running around a bit working at MG so I didn't get to listen as well as I would've liked so it is nice to read it.

With that said, I think you could strengthen its read a lot by playing with your line breaks more. Right now there are plenty of lines that end with articles and prepositions. There are lines you could break differently to pull out a few double entendre with out changing the voice of the poem.

For example:
But since the daughter
of my familiar mud
hopped
onto the comet tail campaign
trail

or:
But since the daughter of my familiar mud
hopped onto the comet
tail campaign trail


I know some of the changes the appearance of the structure on page but I'm sure you could work it out. I hope I'm not out of line here because you didn't actually ask for any help. I'm probably a big beardy a-hole. I just got a little distracted by the ends of lines ending on the least exciting language you utilized. When my eyes reach the end of a statement I don't want to be left with the "and"s, "the"s, "a"s, and "those"..s. I want to remember the methodic satellite, the baleen-feeding humpback, and the fuming foxes...or whatever. Maybe that just says something about me.

The only other critique I'd have is on the words "immortality and beauty". I think you could open those up more by applying images to the esoteric ideas.

Hope that helps. If not, tell me to shut up and punch me in the crapper. Now that's what I call double entendre.
 
Posted by Dan Sully, Nine-Dollionaire on Thursday, October 23, 2008 - 5:00 AM
[Reply to this
Robbie Q
Robbie Q. Telfer

 
i feel you. i don't pay attention to my individual line music as much as i should - i try to throw three or four little line tricks into each poem then move onto the next. i also have been trying to get away, for unknown reasons, from jagged lines. that's kinda weird, anal-retentive?

thanks, though. i didn't ask, but i always take. take take take!
 
Posted by Robbie Q on Thursday, October 23, 2008 - 2:08 PM
[Reply to this
Annie K

 
EVERYTHING AWESOME! SCATAGORIES!
 
Posted by Annie K on Friday, October 24, 2008 - 3:33 PM
[Reply to this