Lately, Jess, Missy and I have taken up country line dancing. Yes thats right. Country line dancing. Laugh if you will, but we are quite sexy when we do the Sleazy Slide. Jess and I were even told that we were erotic when we did the Shadow. Erotic.
I guess that some explanation is necessary. Or, maybe its not. I mean, this is line dancing in Jersey. And were not talking Elmer or Woodstown. Were talking line dancing in Mt. Laurel. Where these people are during the day, I have no idea. But once that sun goes down they come in droves- dressed to the nines and ready to dance. Needless to say, I can go dressed in sweat pants and still be one of the hottest ones there (along with our sexy bartender). Here are some of the more interesting people that we have seen
Grandpa- This guy is so cute! He is probably somewhere in his 60s and either shows up in his work clothes (suit and suspenders) or his party clothes (cowboy hat and bolo). I hope that when I am that age I will still be going out and getting down with my bad self.
Bumps- We dont so much have an issue with the way this lady dresses (although the tapered jeans leave something to be desired), but this lady is dangerous on the dance floor. She almost flew poor Jess across the dance floor with her hip bumps. Heres our rule- if there is a hip bump in the dance, move your hip, but no touching! Its for our own safety, really.
Chinese man- So this guymy, oh my. Picture this- 54 Asian man in a Navajo print shirt and bolo. He knows all the dances. I mean every since one of them. But he does the steps really really small. You can barely tell hes moving on the floor. Now you have to watch out for this guy. Dont be tempted to succumb to his pathetic attempt to ask you to dance by walking up to you and hitting your hand while letting out a quite grunt. No, no. Missy made this mistake and ended up dancing with him all night long. She couldnt shake the guy! And he doesnt take no for an answer. You may turn him down, but hell continue to ask you each and every time. Luckily for us, there has always been some unsuspecting soul there to take the pressure off of us.
Flames and friend- Where you find a black button down with red and yellow flames running down the sleeves? Im not sure, but I would guess that it is near the one with blue flames and next to the table with Oakley sunglasses circa 1988. This guy busts out move like no other. Spins, twists, turns and leg kicks that no one else is doing. And who does he show up with? A chick that looks like she could fit right in at a club in NYC. She is always wearing some leather and pointy knee high boots. And she can actually dance, so how she ended up with this guy, I have no idea. And they have kids. Flames has procreated. Watch our kiddies.
Fringe- I think that says it all. She wore a T-shirt with suede fringe. Again where do you find this stuff? Were going to check out the Cow Town Rodeo one day in hopes of finding ourselves something just as tacky, sorry...umm...unique.
That girl that looks like ____- I almost could not resist the urge to pull her jeans up over her belly fat and cover her flabby arms with a cardigan. I almost threw up my Oreo pie when I saw her do Coolwhip (multiple body parts flailing at one time). Plus, shes obnoxious. If youre going to be gross at least have a good personality.
Brokeback- These guys are my favorite! They are two guys in the early thirties. Voluntarily bald and tattooed (which are both very nice). Until they step foot on the dance floor. Now Flames is bad. But put these guys together and it is so much worse. They quite obviously choreograph their own version of these dances. Choreography that includes bouncing off of the walls and sliding across the floor. I almost lost my eye one time because we were passing by each other on the dance floor, I forgot to duck and nearly took an elbow jab to the face. There were no elbow jabs in the dance but they were doing them. To all of the men out there- if you can dance it is good. If you choreograph your own versions with your best friend in your spare time- its kinda gay.
One night while watching all of these people dance we decided that they way you dance is directly related to how you are in bed.
- There was this guy who moved his torso in a way that sent a chill down our spines. Hes going to be fucking awesome in bed. Ill let you know how it goes.
- Chinese man- small moves, small man. Did you start yet? What? Youre done?
- Flames- Move after move after move. Approximately 10 seconds a position. All show, but no real game.
- Brokeback- Fuck yeah! That was fucking awesome! I rock! I am the best! Was it good for you? Of course it was, did you see me?!
- There was this chubby chick in sweat pants that really wasnt much to look at. But get her on the dance floor and she could roll those hips like no other. Yeah- you just fucked a fat chick and you know it was the best you ever had.
Of course left us wondering what our dancing said about us... guess youll just have to show up to find out.