Hi Everyone,

Here is this week's installment of the Sharmanscopes, as featured this morning on The Mike Sharman Show on Phoenix 96.7FM (www.phoenixfm.co.uk).

AQUARIUS

You find yourself in the bad books next week when you return home after a night's drinking to be asked by your wife "Why are you half drunk?" and you answer "Sorry, I ran out of money".
The week may well end with a tearjerker as you find yourself crying in a moment of private pleasure.
Lucky Mode of Transport: Unicycle
Lucky Royal Navy Rank: Rear Admiral

GEMINI

Next weekend presents an unusual sight when you see some adult green vegetables misbehaving with one another but soon realise they are simply brothel sprouts.
A musical mishap is on the cards when a friend asks you to buy them a G-String for their violin and you make the purchase from Ann Summers.
Lucky Body Part: Big Toe
Lucky Month: November

SAGITTARIUS

Your week starts on a promising note as you enter ten puns into a newspaper's joke contest hoping that at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A visit to a local cafe leaves you disappointed and confused when you complain that your coffee tastes like mud and the owner replies "yes sir, it's fresh ground".
Lucky Pub Meal: Chilli & Chips
Lucky Sport: Table Tennis

LEO

A weekend of ups and downs is predicted largely thanks to you getting trapped in a malfunctioning lift.
A number of household disasters test your patience next week including leaking dishwashers and overheating kettles before a broken window brings the curtain down on another week.
Lucky Play: Equus
Lucky X Factor Judge: Simon Cowell

SCORPIO

The coming week starts badly when your wife questions your wanting to subscribe to "National Geographic" and "Playboy" and you reply that you are doing it to see places you never get to visit.
You find yourself embroiled in a plot to steal viagra tablets next weekend but decide against it because of the stiff sentencing.
Lucky Animal Noise: Moo
Lucky Energy Drink: Lucozade

PISCES

A trip to a supermarket provides a number of dangers and challenges next week in the guise of discounted eggs, broken pasta jars and unattended shopping trolleys.
A special offer is not all it seems next weekend when you get a discounted hotel room rate for making your own bed. Your excitement at this offer is short-lived when the hotel owner presents you with nails and wood for you to make your own bed.
Lucky Medicine Cabinet Item: Olbas Oil
Lucky Washing Powder: Bold

CANCER

An unusual moment occurs next week when your partner starts smoking during sex. However, quick thinking on your part sees you slowing down and using some lubricant.
Red grapes, pink grapefruit and yellow peppers should be avoided at all costs next week.
Lucky Planet: Venus
Lucky Cartoon Character: Sooty

ARIES

You once again find yourself falling out with a farmer next week when you ask him if boy sheep say to girl sheep "I love ewe".
A cough or cold is predicted next week when you take a trip on an elevator from the top floor to the basement and become convinced that you are coming down with something.
Lucky Singer: Des O'Connor
Lucky Toothpaste: Aquafresh

CAPRICORN

A bad week with your boss is predicted when he asks you to give 100% at work and you agree, giving 15% on Monday, 10% Tuesday, 25% Wednesday, 30% on Thursday and 20% on Friday.
You find yourself pondering difficult questions for the rest of the week such as "Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?", "If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?" and "Why is abbreviation such a long word?"
Lucky Bottled Beer: Newcastle Brown Ale
Lucky Crisp Flavour: Cheese & Onion

LIBRA

A week of comedy kerfuffles and funny moments should be expected which may involve cream cakes, melons, nail polish remover and a Russian Circus.
A mysterious text message, telephone call or email sees you inadvertantly being investigated as part of a betting scam.
Lucky Measurement: Hectare
Lucky Name: Ian

TAURUS

Your confidence is shattered next week when singing lullabies to your children you overhear your four-year-old telling your three-year-old that if they pretend they are asleep, the singing will stop.
You find yourself angering a witch next week when you ask her if she flies faster than her broom, does she go flying off the handle?
Lucky Island: Cuba
Lucky Domino: Double Two

VIRGO

You once again annoy your Bank Manager next week by asking him, "If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have so many branches?".
The chance to win a competition presents itself next week which may involve building sandcastles, bog snorkelling or eating chillies.
Lucky Game Show: The Generation Game
Lucky Newsreader: Peter Sissons