Hi Everyone

Once again sorry for the delay in posting but here are last week's Sharmanscopes as featured on The Mike Sharman Show on Friday 23 October 2009.

ARIES

Your long-running fued with farmers once again resurfaces next week when you visit a farm and ask the farmer the name of the fat brown cow in the field. "Coffee is her name" he answers "and she isn't fat, she is pregnant". You then ask him if, after she has given birth, she will become Decalfinated Coffee. It may be wise to leave the farm quickly following this comment.
Satellite television remote controls and fruit polos should be handled with care next week.
Lucky Musical Instrument: Harp
Lucky City: Manchester

VIRGO

An otherwise quiet week explodes into action on the Pub Quiz Night when you answer the question "What do light and hard have in common?" with the answer "You can't get to sleep with a light on either".
Towards the end of the night, a cowboy walks into the pub dressed entirely in paper. Do not worry however as he is soon barred for rustling.
Lucky Shoe: Stilleto
Lucky Seaside Snack: Crab Sticks

PISCES

A rogue red sock in your white washing load leaves you more marooned than tickled pink next week and also feeling the wrath of your partner, who's dress you destroy in the process.
Visiting your local chemist to pass on the useful proverb "a pill in time saves nine" does little to improve your week.
Lucky Recycling Day: Tuesday
Lucky Nut: Wingnut

SAGITTARIUS

The coming week sees a number of bursts of hearty and boisterous laughter which may well include the use of a trombone, bicycle pump, tomato ketchup or talcum powder.
You and a friend turn up to a medieval themed party next week with one of you dressing as a pot and the other frothing at the mouth, claiming that you are Sir Amic and Sir Liva.
Lucky Bullseye Question Category: Faces
Lucky Car Part: Ignition

LIBRA

Your entry into the Parliamentary Joke of the Year competition is rejected next week when your local MP disapproves of "What is the definition of gross ignorance? 144 MPs" and she cancels all council services to your home.
You hear some sad news next week when your dentist announces that he is retiring as he feels he is getting too long in the tooth.
Lucky Knight: Sir Dagonet
Lucky Chess Square: C3

GEMINI

A visit to a restaurant proves disappointing next week and sees you telling the waiter "I can't eat this chicken, please call the Manager". The waiter's unusual response surprises you when he says "It's no use sir, by the look of it he couldn't eat it either".
A moment of humour presents itself at work next week when you convince a naive colleague that an innuendo is an Italian suppository and she goes to the pharmacy to get you some.
Lucky Hygiene Rating: 4 Stars
Lucky Age: Bronze Age

CANCER

You are introduced to a new colleague at work next week who is originally from Morocco. You are sure that you have met him before however and tell him that his fez is very familiar.
A bad night's sleep sees you almost swallowing your pillow next week and spending much of the next day down in the mouth.
Lucky Disney Character: Belle
Lucky Height: 6 Feet 2 Inches

TAURUS

Confusion reigns when you visit a fish and chip shop next week and ask for a piece of fish. The owner says "It won't be long Sir", prompting your response "It had better be fat then".
The weekend sees you visiting a local garage to buy a longer dip-stick for your car as the one you have does not reach the oil.
Lucky Pub Name: Nags Head
Lucky Muscle: Bicep

CAPRICORN

Taking photographs at a nudist camp should be avoided next week as should jokes about under exposure and resting your equipmenton your tripod.
Next week is not a good week to make new friends. This is highlightedwhen your drive the wrong way around a multi-storey car park and also when you engage in a number of very loud mobile phone conversations on a busy train.
Lucky Camera Manufacturer: Kodak
Lucky Spider: Money Spider

AQUARIUS

A weekend trip to London with a somewhat dippy friend sees her getting disappointed when she discovers that Big Ben is simply a clock.
You later collapse in the street but a passing policeman reassures you by saying a "Red Cross nurse is on the way" to which you reply "Can I have a blonde, cheerful one instead?"
Lucky Milkshake Flavour: Strawberry
Lucky Nickname: Sweetcheeks

LEO

Upsetting a child by telling them that elephants have big ears because Noddy won't pay the ransom starts the coming week with anger and disgust heading in your direction.
An argument in a launderette sets your weekend off in a spin and sees you getting hot under the collar as you are out of conditioner.
Lucky Date: 13th November
Lucky Pancake Topping: Lemon Juice

SCORPIO

You feel that your life is one long soap opera next week. Not because of a week of fighting, affairs and scandals but more because you keep stopping for a commercial break every 15 minutes.
A bet involving a jockey wearing black and white or a football team wearing blue should be avoided at all costs next weekend, especially if you have been drinking.
Lucky Overdraft Limit: £5000
Lucky Train Ticket: Open Return