Hmmm.
Words that should never be used in the same sentence:
BEATLES
AMERICAN IDOL
See, here’s my problem...before we EVEN get into this season. The men in the picture above are GENIUSES. Future generations, such as those featured in post-apocalyptic films like Mad Max: beyond ThunderDome:
will worship images of Lennon/McCartney as their Gods as they battle it out for the world’s last supplies of gas, water and the precious, but dwindling resource, Budweiser.
American Idol, on the other hand...not so genius. These Idols will only be worshipped for 15 minutes a piece...unless their record comes out first...then the time will be much shorter (ie - Taylor Hicks, Kat McPhee, et al.) Only fitting that on this, the TRUE beginning of the Terrible Twelve’s journey into oblivion, that we bequeath the task of trying to live up to the most endearing songs of the rock generation. Nice move Idol. When they’re done, would you like to them to defuse live landmines or wrassle gators?
First off, let me say what a boring few months it’s been since the Idol season finale of last year. Between time spent following the Idol tour from state to state (restraining orders ARE made to be broken) and supporting idols from previous seasons (at county fairs, gas station openings and by supersizing my Value meals any time they waited on me)...I managed to find the Idol Replay shows. If you’ve not watched these, they’re usually on at about 13 o’ clock at the same time as Girls Gone Wild infomercials (I’ve heard) and they are brilliant. Better than all the shows put together...they bring back the losers, see, and catch up with them and have them talk about their time on Idol. It’s fascinating? It’s RIVETING tv...hell, who am I kidding. I watch the Girls Gone Wild Infomercials! I’m only flesh and blood people!!! Truth is, they’re right next to each other on the dial and I can quickly switch to Idol if anyone comes in the room...
The tryouts for this season were FANTASTIC. And not in a good way. With all of the stem cell research, nanotechnology and fiber optics science prides itself in, why have we not yet isolated the human gene that causes people to THINK they can sing? I mean, I’m all for healing the sick and feeding the hungry...but these people MUST be stopped. Maybe Bono will help…
My favorite part of the whole tryout process was THIS sap:
Meet Josiah Leming...the most dramatic breakdiown EVER featured on Idol. If you’re just tuning into the show, well, you missed it. Multiple episodes featuring male weapage...and not just tears, mind you...but that kind of convulsive crying you had when you were a kid, "Please (snort) God (snort) make (snort) my (snort) sister (snort) get (snort) killed (snort) by a (snort) werewolf...!" It was entertaining to say the least and represents the disappointment all of the contestants will eventually experience whether they make it or not. At least he still gets royalties from the Sixth Sense, AI and Secondhand Lions...right?
So, what we have here is THE BEST 12 SINGERS in the United States.
Granted there are a few who are TALENTED. But, I don’t quite buy the hype that this is the best Top 12 the show has ever seen. My personal favorite Top 12 Finalists? EASY. That would be the Southside Soccer Club of Ireland 2007 Ladies Champions.
Through their hard work, dedication and spirited team atmosphere, they have enjoyed a great deal of success in the last 2+ years. However, tournament championships represent only a part of their accomplishments. How they have grown together as a team, as well as individuals, gives them and their families cause to celebrate.
Where were we? Oh....
Top Twelve. An interesting mix. And they raise many interesting questions:
Who would win in a fight between this season’s American Idol Top Twelve and, say, the Singapore Idol Top Twelve?
Or better yet, what if time travel were possible and this season’s top twelve could go back in time and battle Sanjaya’s faux hawk?
OR, what if this season’s top twelve were able to fight the Power Rangers? Or the Prison football team from 1970’s Gene Wilder/Richard Pryor movie, Stir Crazy?
First, let’s take a look at the dudes.
Chekezie, Chachi, Chucky Cheese...whatever his name is was our favorite of the night. His version of "She’s a Woman" was as unexpected as a Donkey Punch at an Ice Cream Social. It was as if the little inbred kid from Deliverance and Marvin Gaye had a baby and weened it on early Beatles tunes. Brilliant. I found myself playing the spoons by the time it was over. He needed a good performance. Mission accomplished!
David Cook was my second fave dude of the night with his emo reading of "Elanor Rigby". He’s clearly the guy this season who’s taking the most risks...but, may have a monkey on his back after this performance - a 5 headed monkey from Seattle, no less:
The band reports that Cook covered THEIR version of Elanor Rigby recorded over a year ago and posted to their MySpace page.
So.
Are they actually accusing HIM of covering a McCartney tune in the style that THEY covered it in.
Doxology - until this chappy-mouthed kid on Idol stole your cover, America had never heard of you. Today, your name was mentioned on freaking CNN. If you see David Cook, or anyone involved with American Idol, I suggest you buy him a delicious sandwich, shine his shoes, or give him a piggy back ride to anywhere he wishes to travel. You’re welcome. Not sure if you knew or not, but ALL the songs the Idols sing are covers. And sometimes, they’re covers of covers. Or covers of covers of covers.
Next up, Dreadlock lad...Jason Castro. There are so many directions you can go to poke fun at this fella...I’ll stick with the obvious...
What if
And
Had a Baby?
Satire BE NOT PRETTY, people.
He’s gotten to a point for me that his shtick is wearing off already. I LOVED his take on Lovin’ Spoonful’s "Daydream" but, since then, he’s like a pair of underpants I sill have from when I was in high school: Dated, annoying and dangerously inadequate. Castro’s guitar had more personality on his walk-through of "If I Fell" than he did, thoguh, I’m sure many a young gal swooned and many a canine cocked his ear at his scratchy falsetto. I could see this guy pulling it together or being driven out of Hollywood faster than the two Coreys.
Micahel Johns is a handsome man. I imagine he knows this. He is more handsome than all 4 Beatles put together...all 4 Beatles, 2 of the Stones and three of Hearman’s Hermits to be exact.
His singing is a little lackluster though. He has a meaty voice and a rugged exterior, but, it’s like watching a Technicolor film on a 13 inch black and white tv. Either way, his performance of "Across the Universe" was better than that entire janky movie that came out a while back of the same name. Though not heralded by judges as one of the best of the night, his performance should keep him shagging American club gals for the foreseeable future. And isn’t that what it’s ALL about? Oy!
Next, a tale of two Davids.
While young David Archuleta was honing his skills singing Broadway Musical standards, David Hernandez was dropping trou at Glendale Arizona’s "Dick’s Cabaret" and shaking his Simon, Randy and Paulas for dolla-dolla bills, y’all.
NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
Hernandez started the competition strong. But, this controversey definitely shook him up...and it clearly affected the voting public (he was voted off last night, in case you tiVo-ed it!) Just not sure that America is ready to picture OUR American Idol getting nekkid and sassy in a dimly lit club with RuPaul cranked in the background. Personally, I have no problem with it. I think he was brought into the competition based on the merit of his voice. Granted, he wasn’t great this week. But he CERTAINLY wasn’t the worst. And did anyone think the judges were a little OVERLY negative about his performance?
David Archuleta...I will let you off on this one...because you’re young...and admittedly not a Beatles fan. But if you ever, EVER mess up the words on a Beatles song, me and a few of my friends will hunt you down and beat the hell from you...
Let’s face it. I watch Idol for the chicks. They’re hot. And they routinely make the boys look like hell with their fusion of Celine Dion, Chaka Khan and Christine Aguilera. Now granted the music of the Fab Four doesn’t lend itself to any of this. But this year’s gals are still Uber-hotties.
Best of the night? Hands Down:
NOT Christy Lee Cook. Did you know that ANY name can be transformed into a backward ass country name by simply inserting "LEE" between the first and last names? Try it! It’s fun! "Apperaing tonight at the the Dew Drop In, country western artist Brian Lee Carroll!" "Please elect me as your next president, Barrack Lee Obama." And so on. Christy is a looker. Quite cute.
Just not the strongest singer in the bunch. Her country fried take on "8 Days a Week" made my skin crawl...it even made Ringo cry a little. She needs to take the country road back home ASAP.
My REAL favorite of the night was Brooke White doing "Let It Be". It was perfect for her on many levels. I love that she’s a musician. I love she’s very natural looking. And she makes the right choices. Plus, she has an easy name to remember and spell! For that reason alone, may she last through the whole season!
Contestants with more difficult names such as RAMIELE and SYESHA will need to work harder to win my support. If I have to Google the spelling of your name while writing this blog, the odds are against you. Ramiele kicked a sexy version of "In My Life" that just didn’t work. The song itself is too emotional to OVER-emote on and it was a bad omen when she dedicated the tune to Danny Noriega who hopes Santa rapes your mommy.
Syesha. Syesha. She’s gorgeous. But has EVERY song she’s sang sounded like it was out of tune and being shot out of her nose? She had two strikes against her doing "Got to Get You Into My Life" - one, it’s a Beatles song and two, the version she performed was the Earth Wind and Fire take on it...never take on the Beats AND Phillip Bailey in the same night. You will fail.
I loves me some Carly. Of all the idols, this is the one I would love to hang out with. She sings in a bar, she’s had a record contract in the past, she has a sweet ass sleeve of tats and she’s from Ireland. Her raunchy "Come Together" was perfect. Let’s hope she doesn’t do "Danny Boy" next week.
Finally...and where do I even begin with this one? Amanda. The token "rocker" for the season. No question, she has the rocker feel...what with the giant lemur hair do and the Beetlejuice wardrobe and Janice Joplinitis and all. She’s ahd a couple of good perfroamances, but one of these nights, a style of music that CAN’T be screamed is going to come up and she’s gonna look like more out of place than a...thing...that’s out of place....You Can’t Do That WAS one of the Beat’s most rocking tunes...fo-sho...And YES, Amanada. I find your hair MORE fascinating than Sanjaya’s (present and accounted for last night - with hsi hot, tiny-faced sister).
What else? After a lackluster performace a week ago from Blake "BeatBox" Lewis, Kat McPhee returned to torture me with her unattainable yum-yums, Jim Carey yolked it up in full Horton garb (a career low - who did HE piss off at the studio?) and the judges are exactly the same. Checked out Randy’s new cd...eh. Stick to, wait, what is it you do exactly? Did anyone else think Seacrest was hopped up on the goofballs on performance night? he was jumping around, babbling, sweaty, out of breath...looked like a kid in one of those afterschool specials...suppose Paula slipped him something? "Here take these, it will make the next two hours bearable..."
In the end, as I spoiled earlier, Hernandez was sent packing. Great voice. Creepy resume’. Sorry kid.
See you next week, where I’ll post my predictions immediately following performance night. Listen for me live Friday on 99.9FM for an acoustic performance promoting our Crusen’s II show tomorrow night...check us out Saturday at SOP and St. Pat’s Day at TomCat’s! Seacrest Out!