he paradox of the heart

"...has there not always been some secret attraction...something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through...? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when you at last meet another human being who has some inkling of that something which you were born desiring, and which...night and day, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it - tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest - you would know it. ..You would say "Here at last is the thing I was made for"
We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is."

I don't know if I could ever explain any better what is going on in my heart than how C.S Lewis did in this excerpt. I have been so very resltess and so very caught up in some whirlwind of the heart these past weeks, a time where I have cried and laughed and lost my breath in the moments when I am completely alone with God.

Daily - normally when I am driving, or about to slip into the advenutres of my dreams in the evening - He comes. He comes and He whispers to me, whispering promise and love. Love like I have never known in my life. He romances my heart and it finally surrenders, realising that no family, no earthly lover, no career or gift could ever satisfy my heart to the fullest.

And like Clive Staples so powerfully spoke, my heart is still not satisfied. It is still thirsty, still searching for more than just the glimpse as I drive home and feel his breath on my forehead. More than just that spark of a word that leapt from my pastor's mouth into my heart and jerked me alive. More than that wave that comes when we worship in abandonment. My heart longs for more... but then oh how my heart is also filled with contentment when He comes near.

It is the strangest contradiction - to have a heart that is loved and content and yet a heart so resltess I fear it will beat out of my chest. Such is the ways of the Lord - the things that stand side by side, so different and often a paradox, and yet they work in perfect harmony when displaying His character.

So search, my friends, seach Him out until you finally know that He is tirelessly searching YOU out. For your heart.