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So I have waited quite some time to post this blog, mainly because I have to been trying to find the right words. Things got very complicated after the show stopped filming. In fact one might be able to say that the drama never ended. To be perfectly honest I never really set out to find love. How ever, I was open too it. But I mean, what ARE the chances of finding “actual” true love on a reality show? Well I find it very ironic that out of all the guys that were auditioned to be on my show.... they choose the one that I totally fell had over heels for.
I fell in love with Josh (London) the very first day I saw him, and I knew right then that he was “The one” Now some of you might think, well thats not fair to the other guys right? Right, but at the end of the day I still had to film an amazing TV show. And who knows, maybe someone else could have swept me off my feet. But they didn't. In fact I mean this in the nicest way possible, but they never even came close.
When Josh left, it was VERY upsetting to me. Because I had strong, true, real feelings for him right away. People often ask, is there such a thing as love at first sight? Well my answer to them is yes. Love does not discriminant.. It has no law, and when you least expect it... thats when it hits you the hardest. When he left I was crushed!! And took it as though I was not good enough for this person. Im not sure what was going through his head at the time. In fact Im still not certain the reason as to why he left. But I do know that most people think that these shows are fake... Well in some cases they are. But funny enough not in this one.
I felt like everything was getting to Josh, The cameras, was it fake or real? And having to be in a house with 20 other dudes, isn't exactly a picnic. So I had one of the talent wranglers slip him a note. It basically said that I understand how one could get mind fucked in this unique situation, but that I truly did like him a lot and if he wanted he could call me and wrote down my number. It turns out that supposedly he really liked me too. We stared texting back and forth. Now, contrary to popular belief, Riki was not the one that conducted Josh's coming back. It was me. We had talked over the phone about him coming back, because I thought it would make a great ending, and since we both had really strong feelings for each other. I also wanted to help change and better his life. We had also talked about it maybe not being such a good idea, because again it would not be fair to the other guys. I insisted to the producers that this would be a brilliant idea, and assured them he was comfortable with this as well.
Several days went by, and I got very busy with filming, so I had not spoken with Josh. I knew the producers were very leary of him coming back. So I figured it was not gonna happen. Now, it is very true that Josh then had decided to write Riki. I was unaware of this, and the producers were now “secretly” planning his come back with out my knowledge. Sneaky, sneaky they are!! Yes it is very true that the day he came back, was a total surprise and the rest is history!!
Now before I get into “The Big question” Ill answer this one first “Is there a reunion show? Was there a reunion show? Why hasn't there been a reunion show?” The reasons why there has not been a reunion show are still a little unclear to me. But I do know that scheduling with other shows had a play in it. Mostly due to the fact that some of the cast members from my show where invited to do others and they obviously couldn't be in two places at once. Money, could also be a factor. Typically the ratings are low on reunion shows, so the network isn't willing to shell out money for it. But let me tell you that they missed out!! Cause I would have had the greatest reunion show ever!!!!!! You never know though.. there still could be one ;)
Okay now on to the goods.. After the show had ended, I was very excited that I had found what I thought was “the man of my dreams.” And that we could have been the first “real” couple to actually be in love off of one of these shows. I had very high hopes. I flew Josh out for a few days.. since we were not allowed to let people see us in public we had to stay trapped in my apartment. I was totally scared that after three days of take out food, movies and a lot of cigarettes... we would hate each other and that would be that!! But it proved to be quite the opposite.. at least for me. Those were, for some odd reason the greatest three days with a guy I had ever spent. And just re affirmed to me that this guy could be my all. I remember thinking “wow, this guy is perfect for me.. this is way to good to be true”
Turns out... It was. What Im about to say is very delicate.. But apart of a real reality in my life now. After Josh flew back home..Remember that supposed girl that he had been dating?? I very shortly learned that she was really his pregnant girlfriend!! I was devastated. I couldn't get out of bed for like a month. Here I think Iv just scored big in love, found everything id been looking for in a guy, and that he felt the same about me... and it turns out he didn't. Or at least in this case thats how it seems, right? I immediately wanted to call it off. I felt used, betrayed.. and once again not good enough. But he insisted that he was in love, that I was his perfect girl, he would do anything to make it work, that it was all a mistake. And That He was Going To "fix" it. Well Because he's a broke ass artist he couldn't "fix" it... then he tells me she had a miscarriage... then he told me she was giving it up for adoption.. the lies just went on and on... But still I stood by hes side...
Let me tell you the funny thing about love... you know when you see your best girlfriend, or bro.. and there boyfriend/girlfriend is a complete nightmare.. and they give into it all the time.. and your like”bro seriously.. lose that shit” Well when your “in love” you find yourself doing and acting in ways you never would think possible. All logic goes out the window. Why? Because love is irrational. Now some might say.. “well love, is not suppose to hurt... I say, then you've never truly been in love.. cause that shit hurts!!! Love is all, happy, joy, crazy, silly,... pain, sorrow.. love is all.. it makes you feel every emotion possible. And thats the beautiful thing about it.
I believed what he was telling me... or at least I wanted to believe. The last five months for me have not been easy.... my life has been turned upside down by this guy, with his lies and promises.. I have stood by this guy, in hopes that what he says was the truth. Why you might ask? because I loved him. Sometimes I think I should “just let go” but then theres always something amazing that will happen between us that makes it hard. Nothing in life is easy, in fact anything worth fighting for is gonna be hard. And every love is different. Despite the fact that the supposed “man of my dreams” is now getting ready to have a baby with another woman(“isn't it ironic?”)I still felt like I had meet a great guy, talented, passionate, sweet. Just a complicated mess. As of now though.. Im NO LONGER STANDING BY HIS SIDE!!!! The lies and pain are just too much!! He is not truthful and loyal to his words.. and has done NOTHING BUT LIE AND USE ME FOR FAME, JUST TO GAIN SUCCESS FOR HIS BAND!!! Anyone willing to take advantage of someone's hart(and yes this is how I spell hart!!) in such away is A complete looser!!
Some of you might think.. well duh thats what you get you should of choose “Flex”. But I say, I went with what I wanted, and this was a show based on me finding love. And I did. It just wasn't the right kind of love.
Well thats my story.. well part of it anyway...
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they go right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together"
So will there be a season 2??? You'll just have to stay tuned!!! BUT GUYS WITH PREGNANT STRIPPER GIRL FRIENDS NEED NOT APPLY!!!!
Currently Im working on a few different projects, some movie roles, Writing my audio-biography "STAR DUST" and Im getting ready to put out new songs.. ROCKSTAR which is up now and GLOW coming soon. So be on the look out!!
I want to THANK YOU ALL..... for your patience, words of encouragement and continued love and support!! It means the world... This is just the beginning.. :)
Lixx and Kisses,
Daisy
11:56 PM
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