Dear Alabama Power:

I would just like to start this open letter by saying thank you.  No matter how often I was late or how many threats you sent, you never cut my power while I was in law school and behind a couple of months on my power bill.  No matter how poor I was, everytime I came home with my Us Magazine and my six pack of beer, when I flipped that switch, the light came on.  So I know that you also have been patiently waiting for this apology as patiently as you waited for my payments lo those many moons ago.  So here it is.

I am sorry that last Saturday, I opened my back door where three of your workers were diligently trying to restore power to my block and told my dogs "That's right.  Get 'em."  I want to also personally apologize to the 300 pound gentleman who took that opportunity to try to clear my back fence using nothing but his God-given wit and athleticism.  By the way, after about thirty minutes of working with the chain link, I have it back to its former glory.  Sorry I can't say the same for Tubby's coveralls, but I am sure that y'all have some more in stock, and let's just say that he probably needs another X before his L anyway.

Now, I know that apologies are not supposed to come with excuses as to why they are necessary, but if you would just humor me for a second more, I might be able to better explain my behavior.  See, I am single.  I live by myself and when my dogs went crazy at 4 a.m. my first instinct was not to check to see if my power was out.  When I get what little sleep I get, you see, I like to have the lights in the OFF position.  Instead, I was merely thinking that my dogs had seen a leaf move or a squirrel in the yard, not that there would be three grown men with flashlights in my yard.  So I was somewhat scared and extremely irritated that y'all were there.  While we are on the subject, I did not appreciate that young man with a goatee flashing his flashlight in my dog's eyes and saying "Oh really?" very loudly.  It only led to more of the aforementioned fear.

Granted, when I went back to find my phone to get the cops to put a cap in your collective asses, I did see the big Alabama Power trucks outside of my house and since my night of slumber had ended, I recovered my senses and was able to put two and two together.  It is for this reason there were no authorities chasing Tubby and his cohorts off the pole in my yard.  You're Welcome.

Anway, Sorry again, and I look forward to buying that aquarium so that I can take advantage of only using twelve cents a day to power it.  Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,

Jennifer