Somehow the original of this got deleted. So here it is again!

First Grader Quotes 2003-2004

JOKES as presented by Miss Hartman's First Grade Class:

Q: Why did the horse run back to the herd?
A: It was afraid of the cougar

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Q: What do you call a banana split in half?
A: A banana split

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Q: Why did the fish eat a cucumber?
A: He wanted to be a cucumber

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Q: What do you call a potato with clothes and a face?
A: Mr. Potato Head

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Q: What did King Tut do?
A: "I want my mommy"

Q: Why did the cucumber say "go away" to the french fry?
A: Because cucumbers are juicier

Q: What did the dog say after being attacked by the tiger?
A: Nothing, dogs can't talk

Q:What did the G say to the H?
A: I love you

Q: What do you call a flying skunk?
A: A smellicopter

Q: What do you call a squirrel eating a turkey?
A: A squirrel bawk bawk

Q: What do you call a B marrying a Q?
A: A bar-b-que

Q: Why is my brother so skinny?
A: He eats lots of Laffy Taffy and when you laugh you lose a calorie

First Grade Thoughts on Living By Yourself
"You can eat as much ice cream as you want!"

"You can stay up late, and watch TV, and eat popcorn!"

"You don't have to worry about burglars because they only live in New York and places like that."

"It wouldn't be good because you wouldn't get allowance and then you couldn't buy any food."

"If you lived in Africa, and lions attacked you, who would protect you?"

1st grade obsession with my personal life

Me starting to tell my class they're not going to have a spelling test next week...
Me: "I have a surprise for you! Next week I'm..."
Interrupting Kid: "...getting married?

Another day...

Nosy Kid: "Miss Hartman why aren't you married?"
Me: "Well I haven't found someone who wants to marry me yet"
Encouraging Kid: "Don't worry Miss Hartman. Boys really do dig girls."

"When you get married, can I be your ring burier?"

"Have you ever kissed someone that isn't your mom or dad?"

"When you get married, you're not going to be Miss Hartman anymore.  Are you going to get married this year?"

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"I know why they were called pill-grims.  It was one of two reasons. Either they took lots of medicine, or they were really annoying, you know, like a pill."

"A&M? that's kinda like M&M, except it's A&M"

"In 18 years Miss Hartman is going to look so so so different." - Ryan

Setting: in the middle of a game of Math Bingo.
What happened: the kid blurts out...
"I like ham."
Me: "Did you say 'I like ham'?"
Ryan: "Yeah, like from pigs. You know that ham comes from pigs right?"
Me: "Yes, so does bacon, sausage, pork chops..."
Ryan: "Beef"
Me: "No, beef comes from cows"
Ryan: "I know. I'm just naming meat."

"Miss Hartman, you look married today"
("I look married?")
"Yeah, you look almost the same, but you look married. And you sound married."

Me: "Hogs are like pigs."
Molly S.: "My dad is one of those. He's a hog.  He likes to eat lots of things."

"Is there such a thing as 18,000?"

"You smell like Dr. Pepper... no... Diet Dr. Pepper"

"Oatmeal Creme Pies give me heartburn"

Me: What was the best thing you did over Christmas break?
Sam: We fed the reindeer glitter and oatmeal.
Hunter: I met my twin brother. He's 24. That's not very old. You have to be 30 to get married. 

Me: This book is by (whoever) Lopez
Sam: That's almost like JLo Lopez. My dad likes her.

"You can't drink diet coke! Because then you can't get a car!"

Q: What did the meat say to the coffee?
A: If you coffee me one more time, you're gonna be dead meat.

"Santa Claus really is a Christian, because he brought me a penny with a cross on it."

"Me and Garrett got the same book, except mine's different.  It has a different title."

"When you grow up, you have to kiss a girl by the time you're 33."

Me: Molly, why does your shirt have a V on it?
Molly: I don't know. Maybe it stands for violet.
Me: But your name doesn't begin with a V.
Molly: Well, I could change my name to V-Molly!

"This book doesn't have very good graphics."

Ryan: (running up screaming...) These fruit snacks are FAT FREE!!!
Me: OK
Ryan: What does fat free mean?
Me: It doesn't have any fat in it.
Ryan: Of course it doesn't have fat in it. It's not meat. Meat's the only thing with fat in it.

"My grandmother is so lucky. She's 105 and she's never even died!"

"Well if you know everything, then how many people are in Heaven?"

To me: "You don't work! Work means you have a job and you use a computer and you make stuff. Do YOU make stuff?"</p>

"You have a baby only when the potion turns blue."

"When you kiss your husband, if you ever get one, right when you kiss him you get a big belly and have a baby."

"I have a girlfriend, but I can't remember what her name is. "

Molly O: Can you come over to my house for milk and cookies?
Me: I don't know where you live.
Molly: Well then I can come to your house.
Me: But you don't know where I live.
Molly: Yes I do. You live in the apartment.

"I'm allowed to talk about God. I'm Catholic."

Ryan: Is college more important than playing?
Me: ...um... yes? (I was confused)
Ryan: So college is more important than playing outside?
Me: Yes.
Ryan: So I don't need to bring my money for college for the park?
Me: No, save your money.

MORE JOKES:

Q: Why couldn't the elephant eat the peanut?
A: Because it was too elephanting up.

Q: Why couldn't the kid get into the movie?
A: It was rated R.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bull
Bull who?
Bully

Q: Why couldn't the cat go to the store?
A: Because cat in the hat

"I know where rainbows come from. Boston!"

Kid 1: Boo St Patrick's Day!
Kid 2: Don't boo - he's gonna bring you gold!
Kid 3: He doesn't bring gold. He only brings four-leaf clovers.

Sarah H.: You know what my favorite movie ever is?
Me: No, what?
Sarah: Well, not really movie, but color.
Me: Ok. What?
Sarah: Khaki!

"My eyelashes are too long. They keep getting in my eyes and I'm having trouble seeing."

"For Spring Break I'm going to Hawaii and Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor and San Antonio and then we might roast hot dogs and marshmallows and we might have someone spend the night."

"I am six and a half point one percent Native American"

"I think that I grow three inches every day. Yeah, that's right. Three inches."

While walking around staring at her hands, I ask her what she's doing... "Nothing, just deciding which one is my favorite hand."

"I'm a sandwich!" - Ruben

"I think I accidentally ate my band-aid"

Me: There are many kinds of gases.  One of them comes out of your mouth when you breathe out.
Sam: Sometimes gas comes out the other end too!

...still talking about gases...
Me: You can't see, feel, or taste gases.
Ruben: Yeah, you CAN taste it! It tastes like... watermelon!

"It depends on when you were born, not when your birthday was..."
(me: "what?!")
"Well, first you were born, then after a whole bunch of years... um, I don't know what I'm talking about"

"If you were my mom, you would probably ground me all the time just like my mom does"

"It costs more to go buy a baby than to get it out of your tummy."

"Buying a baby is better than having one because then you can pick if you want a boy or girl"

"Limited Too is for freeloaders."

"That freaked my guts out of me!"

We were reading a book about rainforests and it had a drawing of a kid (behind a bush) with no clothes on...
Hunter: That kid doesn't have any clothes on!
Ryan: Of course he doesn't have clothes on! They're in the rainforest! It's not like he can go to Old Navy and get some!

Me: The equator is an imaginary line that goes around the earth.  You can't see it.
Ruben: But you can HEAR it!

"My stomach bone hurts"

said to one of the kids who had spiked his hair today... "You look like my goat when he's scared!"

"Have you seen that one movie? I can't remember what it's called, but it's about a Secret Garden."

"Is Canada a desert?"

talking about liquids and solids...
Me: If you put Goldfish crackers into a bowl, what shape would they become Colin?
Colin: Goldfish crackers and what do germs look like?

"My dad is brilliant! His last name is my last name!"

"I only have to break one more blood vessel before my tooth will fall out!"

talking about the water cycle...
"You mean that I have the same rain as Davy Crocket? and ELVIS?"

Colin: You don't act like a teacher.
Me: Oh, why not?
Colin: You don't wear clothes like a teacher.
Me: I dress too nice to be a teacher?
Colin: Yeah!

talking about Jon...
Sam: Is he a principal?
Me: No, not yet, but he wants to be some day.
Sam: Well tell him, "Keep dreamin', pretty boy. It's not gonna happen!"

Answering machine message to me on the last day of school: "Hey! This is Saraaah Humphries. I just wanted to know. Miss Hartman.  If I could stop by some tiiiiiime and say hiiiiiiiiiiii and get together. (long pause) That'll be all! Bye-bye!" click.

First Grader Quotes 2004-2005

"I wanted to have Mrs. Nicholson, but then I realized that you're better."

"What's fun about school is that you get a new teacher every year."

one of the other teacher's kid came and hid in my room after school and heard me talking to myself outloud, which I have a tendency to do, and I told her I do that alot, so she asked me, "Why don't you just say it inside your brain?"

kid giving an example of greater than:
"One million is greater than, um, eiiiiiighteeeeeen... NO! eighty... eight! yeah! eighty-eight!"

to me after drawing a football on the board... "Did you used to be an ARTIST?"

after telling her we're getting our science books today: "When do we get to do potions?"

"I've been playing soccer for TEN YEARS!"

after seeing a picture of the boyfriend, they all started asking normal get-to-know-someone questions like "how old is he?", "what is his job?", "what is his name?", and so on, and then one youngin' asked the one question that I always ask when I want to know about someone...
"How many teeth does he have?"

Kid: I ate dog food once.
Me: Why?
Kid: My dad dared me to.

trying to tell me he's confused about a math problem...
"I'm complicated"

after reading a coloring book type story of the olympics, and told they could color it...
"Can we just leave it like it is without color so it looks like the 80's?"

A long story that went SOMETHING like this: "There was a tarantula in a hole in a tree and it had lots of bright colors and then a tennis ball went into the hole and then they pulled the tennis ball out and the tarantula went into the house and got into a coffee cup on the handle part, not the cup part, and then they picked up the cup and the tarantula went into a pop and couldn't get out and then looked up and said maybe a straw could save me."

Kid: If I don't eat soon, I'm going to examinate!
Me: What's that?
Kid: Disappear!

putting together a USA puzzle... "God made North Carolina upside-down!"

today was a red ozone day... "Hold your breath! It's a bad day!"

Kid: Are you going to invite us to your wedding?
Me: Sure!
Whines About EVERYTHING Kid: My mom is going to forgeeeeeeeet!

Alessio, the constant talker, was absent today...
Me: Ok, I need y'all to get quiet...
Kid: Alessio!

Said in almost the same exact voice as Napoleon Dynamite said "my lips hurt real bad!"...
"I'm not done yet and my thumb hurts real bad!"

"Blood tastes like cupcakes with rotten eggs on them."

(I ususally listen to KSBJ, the Christian radio station in Houston, on my computer during my conference period and often forget to turn it off before they come back in. Today I did that exact thing and got the following question...)
"Is that your favorite rock CD?" - Hunter

Kid: Abby said two potty words!
Me: What did she say?
Kid: The yellow one and the brown one!

While reading outloud to the class, I had to stop and tell them to get quiet about a million times.  I said "I'm never going to be able to finish this book!" and I got the response:
"Have faith in yourself!"

"I have lots of hearts all over my body.  I felt one of them in my arm one time."

I assume he was trying to write "I have a lot of toys." but wrote:
 "I have a lot of toes." :-)

Sam: My dad is going out of town today.
Me: Is he going back to Mississippi? (he had to come back early when the hurricane hit)
Sam: No. Mississippi IS NO MORE! Because of the hurricane!

"I remember ALL my memories!"

"He's thinking about hitting me!"

First Grader Columbus Day Quotes:

His version of Columbus coming to America (as well as I can remember): "When Columbus landed in Texas he got off the ship and left some of the pirates there and went back and when he left they killed the pirates because they didn't know who these guys were."

When told to draw what food they thought Columbus took on his ship: "I drew 4 carrots, two pieces of corn, three pieces of pizza, and 4 pop tarts"

Me: Who can give me a sentence with the word "have"?
Tori: I have a bunch of unicorns and hot dogs.

Me: Did anyone do anything fun this weekend? (three day weekend)
Kid: I went to Sea World, and Six Flags, and the water park across the street from Six Flags!
Me: You did all that this weekend?
Kid: Nope! That was summer vacation! (like he had no clue what I had asked)

trying to read the word "beach":
"bee-ach?" - Alessio

From last year's student who asks me about me getting married every single time I see him in the hall...
"When are you going to become MRS. Hartman?"

Abby: "Kate pushed me!"
Kate: "Abby called me a pusher!"

"When you first get a baby inside you, it's as small as a piece of rice... that hasn't been cooked yet!"

Owain: "I know how you can remember that 'bonus' is a u word - just remember b-o-n-s and then say it: bon-us!"
Danny: "Owain, how do you know all this stuff?!"

To me: "You're not a teenager because teenagers listen to music and wear braces."

After reading a story about a girl and her cat who was her friend..
Me: "Is your pet your friend?"
Kid: "No, my dog beats me up!"

"My mom was a naughty nurse for Halloween!"

Reading the story "Who Lives in the Arctic?":
"Polar bears also live in the Arkansas."

"If we have a mud fight and I get that jersey dirty, my dad will kill me for my whole life!"

talking about the American Revolution...
"Yeah, we beat England twice. Once there and once at the Alamo!"

Me: Why do we have Independence Day on July 4th?
Kid: Because that's the day George Washington beat the whole world!

"Last night I dreamed that you took 10,000 minutes off our recess!"

Kid in other class after school: "My best friend is in your class. He's the one that came in and stood right here and then did something."
Me: "Who is it?"
Kid: "I don't remember his name."

first thing the six year old said when she walked in the door... "I'm wearing my mom's panties!"

Me: Before George Washington was president he fought to help make our country free.
Abby: You said fought.
Me: Yeah, fought.
Abby: You said FOUGHT!
Me: I know, fought is right.
Abby: That's not a word! It's not fought!
Me: Fought is right.<span style="">  You probably say it wrong and say "fighted". It's fought.
Abby: You said fought again! That's not right. It's fighted!
Me: I promise it's fought.
This continued for probably about two or three minutes...
Another kid: Yeah, it's fought!
Abby: Oh, ok.

"My grandpa has been in 10 or 20 wars and has never died!"

First Grader Thoughts on Kissing:
"You have to wear chapstick when you kiss."

"Kissing is just like this. (she quickly kisses her desk) Smooching is kissing for a long time."

"When you get married, are you allowed to kiss then?"

"Boys do too wear lipstick! Because when they kiss a girl they get it on them."

Kid 1: She's putting up her middle finger!
Kid 2: We put up our middle finger to Ohio when we moved away from it.
Me: "?!"
Kid 2: What? We did!

"If it's below zero, you can't kiss your husband or you'll get stuck that way for a really long time."

Kid: Your ring is as pretty as... a tree!
Me: Pretty as a tree?
Kid: Prettier!

"These shoes are really old! I've had them since I got them!"

"How do you spell "uh"?"
(me: "uh?")
"Yeah, like 'I have uh dog'" - Sam

Kid: How do you spell m?
Me: M?!
Kid: Yeah, like the letter m.
Me: um, M!
Kid: oh.

seeing two of those helicopters with two blades flying over... "Look! It's double helicopters! And they both have two helics!"

Kid: Who was the first person to walk on the moon?
Me: Neil Armstrong.
Kid: Oh yeah! I saw his rip stone once!
Other kid: How did Elvis die?
Kid: Sitting on the toilet!

Kid 1: Are teeth made of bone?
Kid 2: No! Are teeth milk?

"Some milk you buy isn't real because they feed the cows cardboard instead of food."

Assignment: write a note to someone
What a kid wrote: "Dear mr president how much people votid for you and what is it like being the ruler of the world."

Me: What does it look like is outside the window in the picture?
Kid 1: Iraq!
Kid 2: What's Iraq?
Kid 1: It's another country!

"We're chasing the boys and trying to isurrend them"
(later clarified as "get them to surrender")

"My friend Jake told me he's BEEN to Saturn"

"I saw the Milky Way once. It was bright red!"

Me: Pluto is kind of like a snowball (meaning made of ice)
Kid: So we're bigger than Pluto?
Me: Yes, Earth is bigger than Pluto.
Kid: No, are PEOPLE bigger than Pluto?

during the Q&A at the planetarium after a show about the solar system...
"How come scientists haven't figured out aliens?"

Owain: You can't taste laughing!
Alessio: But you CAN taste growing up!

Semi-related Conversation From A Long Time Ago:
Kid: Miss Hartman, what's your favorite pro football team?
Me: I don't really have one.
Kid: Mine's the Aledo Bearcats!

Me: Name some words that have "er" in them.
Sam: joiner!
Me: well, that's not really a word
Sam: Yeah it is! It's someone who joins something, like "Santa is a joiner."

Question to Show-and-Teller: Why do girls like Barbies so much?
Show-and-Teller: Yeah, girls always like Barbies and boys always like motorcycles.
Other Kid: Boys just like hitting. (hits self in face)

seeing them getting ready for my shower across the hall...
Kid: What's happening in there?
Other teacher: We're getting ready for Miss Hartman's shower.
Kid: Doesn't she do that at her house?

Kid: Happy Birthday!
Me: It's not my birthday. They're having a shower for me.
Kid: I know. Happy birthday anyway!

while lying on the floor under Hunter's desk... "Hunter won't stop stepping on me!"