So i'm sitting here again, staring at my computer screen looking at the same 6-7 sites i visit weekly and I glance over at my buddy list.

13 people online

6 Mobile
3 Away
2 Idle
and 1 I could actually talk to

I've only had my iChat on since 11pm for a couple of reasons.  Partly because it will add to my processing tray and lag my programs, but mostly because I have no interest in talking to anyone on my list.

It's not that I don't like anyone my list, or that I don't have anything to say to some of them, it's just I don't WANT to talk to anyone really.  It's not just the computer now that I think about it. 

I think I had a 2 minute conversation with my mother today.  I was instantly annoyed with her intrusive (my view, I know she just worries/cares) and found myself asking "Is that all?" after a swift negative reply to her initial inquiry.  It's strange that just yesterday I had looked at my phone and realized it had been over a week since I spoke with her.  I liked it.  But then I missed her and decided I'd pick up my phone immediately when she calls instead of deciding whether or not to call her back hours, or days after getting her voicemail as per usual.

Aside from her annoying personal questions about my financial situation while I'm in my annoying financial situation, I generally like speaking to her.  I miss my Father very much as well, but due to my current predicament speaking with him again is a distant hope.  I hope he doesn't die while we're not talking, i'm sure that would have far reaching emotional repricussions in the future.  Not to mention that kind of loss would have unknown effects on me as I haven't yet lost someone close to me.

But I don't want to talk to anyone anymore is the point.

I just want to be left alone until this all works itself out.  Kind of like my tried and true "Ignore my problems and they'll (not) go away" approach to life.  I still enjoy seeing people and getting out of the house, but I don't want to talk to anyone really while im at home waist deep in this pool of crap I call "Chad's life - Winter '09".

And I pick fights just so people won't talk to me anymore.  I'll be unreasonable, argumentative, and sometimes just plain ol mean to people I care about.  And if i'm not actively trying to cut myself off, I am passively working towards a total shut down of a social circle by ignoring every call and IM I recieve.  Most times I'm playing WoW, but sometimes I just delete the bubble without ever opening it.

This is the longest time this has gone on ever I believe.  Sure I've always had my weeks here and there with several months in between where I shut myself in and lock everyone out for a little while, but this is getting rediculous lately.

I just hope Chuck is right.  I hope as soon as i'm ready to re-enter the world all my friends will just accept me back like I was never gone.  I also hope I don't have to leave Pittsburgh.

I feel alone now.  I WILL be alone then.