So we're all on the same page from the very beginning, I encourage you to reacquaint yourself with the song in question:

Katrina and the Waves - Walking on Sunshine

Be advised: I'm not talking about listening to a midi version of this song. That would actually be palatable - the midi orchestration gives it a Kraftwerk-meets-childrens-song lilt that is almost charming. If I had a baby, and it was that baby's oh, I don't know, say, its third birthday, and a bunch of other parents brought their babies over to have some sort of party (I guess we could call it a "party," although we'd probably put a spin on it like "Diaper Jam 2K5" or something), I think we could probably pump up the stereo, flip on the midi version of Walking on Sunshine and bounce our toddlers around to the beat like fleshy, drooling beach balls until it's time for cake. That could be fun, even though punch doesn't go with cake and everybody knows it. That is one situation where I could see myself listening to the midi version of Walking on Sunshine in its entirety, but I don't want to talk about the midi version of the song. No. I want to talk about Katrina and the Waves.

Katrina and the Waves formed in 1981, but didn't break up until 1999. They hailed from Cambridge, England and scored their first major label record in 1985. The record had two hit singles on it - in addition to the better known Walking on Sunshine (which peaked at number 9 in the US) was another single called Do You Want Crying (which peaked at number 32, and for which there is no midi file available on the internet. You can hear a clip of it here though). Billboard's Hot 100 of 1985 puts Walking On Sunshine at number 75. Not surprisingly, Do You Want Crying didn't place. And why would it? 2 of the top 3 spots for that year belonged to Wham!. It wasn't a year for crying - we're talking about the same year both Super Mario Bros. and New Coke came out. As a nation, we were walking on sunshine. It felt stupendous.

How quickly things change.

In the blink of an eye, all the market research data was proven wrong. People didn't like New Coke. "It's too sweet! Wah wah! I'm a big baby!" Coca Cola winced and rolled out the old, "classic" formula, but it was already too late. Kids across the country sucked down can after can of New Coke (it was being offered at a very generous discount, and what sensible shopper can resist a bargain like that?), playing Super Mario Bros. until their thumbs were raw. Far past bed times, Warp zones were discovered in levels 1-2 and 4-2. Bowser was a piece of cake - if you could get to him. Now, with the help of warp zones, kids crept past the mediocre boss, saving Princess Toadstool with an indifferent shrug. Second quests remained unconquered. Soda remained sugary (in either "new" or "original" formulas, really - they were both really fucking sweet). Which is all (of course) to say that America changed forever in 1985.

Now here we are, some twenty years later, and I am not walking on sunshine. I don't want to walk on sunshine, nor do I want a lollipop-lollipop-oh-lolly-lollypop, nor do I want any Sugar-Sugar-Oh-Honey-Honey. Not even a Bit-O-Honey. Nothing. I don't really like candy that much, and although I admittedly enjoy sunshine from time to time, it's not a freakishly manic kind of enjoyment that Katrina and the Waves were clearly experiencing. It's not electric. In the sunlight, my hair doesn't stand on end. Rainbows don't shoot out of my ass. I look up at the sun, let the rays warm my cheeks, and I think to myself, "Ahh." Then I go inside a building.

What I'm trying to get at here is that I'm not the type of guy who typically walks on sunshine.

I would like to quickly present to you a few choice lyrics for your consideration:

I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I'm sure
And I just cant wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now everytime I go for the mailbox , gotta hold myself down
Cuz I just wait till you write me you're coming around

I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!!!

If you're like me, you're hung up on the obvious problem: how can you "go for" the mailbox if you're holding yourself down? Get over that for a second and see the bigger picture here: this is a song about a girl who is finally sure that somebody loves her (probably her boyfriend, who I imagine looking a lot like that asshole skier in Better Off Dead). She's so excited that she's... well... walking on sunshine. It clearly feels fucking fantastic. So let me ask you this, Katrina: where the fuck is the guy? Maybe the next verse will shed some light on the subject:

I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that its true
and I don't want to spend all my life , just in waiting for you
now I don't want you back for the weekend
not back for a day , no no no
I said baby I just want you back and I want you to stay...

I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news, but I wouldn't get your hopes up, lady. From the sound of it, there are only a few possible explanations:

1. The guy is a travelling salesman.

2. The guy is in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, or Peace Corps. Or jail.

3. The guy just doesn't like her very much.

None of these options are very attractive. The life of a travelling salesman, while somewhat romanticized (like hitchhiking and farming), isn't that glamorous. You live out of a car and your survival is tethered to your commitment to what is, most likely, a shoddy product. You're on the road all the time, which actually could explain why she doesn't only want him "back for a day" - he's a travelling salesman. He's going to have to leave again and she knows it. It could work, but I'm not buying it. She doesn't strike me as the type to be walking on sunshine for a travelling salesman type.

Knowing that Katrina and the Waves were British helps nip option 2 in the bud. How many active troops were there in England in 1985? That's not a rhetorical question - I really don't know the answer. My creative googling keeps bringing up a fire at a soccer stadium in Bradford that killed 53, but that doesn't help us much. Forget the number active troops in England, 1985 - she says in verse 2 she doesn't want to "spend all [her] life" waiting for him. Why would she have to wait her whole life? Tours of active duty aren't generally more than, what, a few years maximum, right? Armed Services are out. Jail is more likely (as it would explain all the letters), but if she might have to wait her whole life we can assume that he's in for something pretty serious. Maybe she likes a bad boy. Maybe he's wrongfully accused of murder, or maybe he's rightfully accused of stock manipulation but sitting on a huge nestegg she just can't stop thinking about. Maybe she's an accomplice who could potentially face jail time herself, and she's using the song to suppress her guilt and project a cool front to her would-be prosectuors. Or maybe we should obey Occam's Razor and admit what we've suspected all along.

The guy just doesn't like her that much.

Who could blame him? She's more than a little pathetic. Even though he's gone and she has no idea when he will return, she's still walking on fucking sunshine. Maybe it's best for her health that he never come back - if she's this happy when he's not around, she would probably spontaneously combust if he ever came back. Think of the guitar line in the verse of the song - that obnoxious rhythmic strum, the tinny timbre of the guitar. Once you've got that looping in your head, throw the horns in on top of it, that joyous, brassy yelp best personified as a cheerleader on some kind of stimulant. Got it? Now imagine if they made a sequel to the song where the guy actually came back. Can you imagine how much happier the song would have to sound? They would have to record it behind four foot thick layers of steel and concrete. It would be so happy the mixing consoles would explode and the sound engineers would have to be hospitalized. It would be so happy it would cause irreversible nerve damage to hear it. We're talking weapons-grade pop. Maybe that's why there was never a sequel to it.

Or maybe Do You Want Crying, that obscure peaked-at-32 follow-up was the sequel. You can hear it in her voice. The excitement has died down a bit. She's keeping the tempo up, but her stiff upper lip isn't fooling anyone. There's a scratchiness to her voice that wasn't there before, maybe a touch of cynicism brought on by a newfound understanding of the way things work. It would be naive to assume the story would have a happy ending, wouldn't it? Anything can happen, yeah, but from the looks of things this romance is one-sided and hopeless, regardless of what the upbeat melody might lead you to believe. You have to remember that the song is, in all likelihood, being sung by a borderline personality clinging desperately to her own delusions. Would you come back to that? Think about it. After a moment or two of consideration, the opening lines to Do You Want Crying should come as no surprise:

So long now - since you walked and left me.
Why did your love grow cold ? Don't you think you need me ?
I see that smile
it's your face. I feel you holding on and on.
I hear your voice
it's saying: bye bye love.
I count my teardrops as they fall.
Do you want crying? Look.
I'm crying.

to be contined...