Week 6 - only a week late due to various comedy shenanigans and filming an extremely silly film with my other half.

Anyhow it all kicked off with a near naked Phil taking the phone call of destiny. Of course I hardly notice now - he's not getting round me that easily. The teams are whisked off to an auctionhouse in Chiswick and given a lot of random crap that looks like a slightly upmarket version of a Tracey Emin installation to sell. SirAlan drops them lots of heavy handed hints about it being about valuation and not taking things at face value that mainly fall on deaf ears as a slightly subdued Ben leads Empire on an insane quest to SELL SELL SELL (impressively as a Sandhurst wannabe he actually accidentally values a box of books pretty well) whilst the lovely Kate heads an only ever slightly more sensible Ignite and Margaret and Nick follow them all grimaces and outraged tuts.

Phil thinks the jewel in the crown is a rather unconvincing plastic life size skeleton that looks as though it was given out to self assemble with Junior Anatomist weekly and hawks it round pubs near medical schools touting for trade with Lorraine in tow grimly attempting to convince our Geordie-ish shitclown of the virtues of the rug (now that sounds more suggestive than intended) which of course turns out to be worth squillions, but no-one's listening to Lorraine. Eventually Phil manages to harrass a random bloke on the street into buying the cumbersome carpet for £50 (only a few hundred under it's true value). "That was the gem in the pack" mutters Lorraine sadly. "Yeah yeah" sneers Phil. Even Noorul correctly values the skeleton over on Ben's team, but as soon as the target of his specially set up sales "pitch", the oldest student in the world, attempts to plead poverty and haggle, Noorul goes into "does not compute mode" and his antennae start fizzing dangerously until Ben leaps in and offers it at a ridiculously low £60 which our crafty "student" snaps up. Still Noorul and Ben end up gormlessly flogging the expensive old shoes at a quid by the joblot in Greenwich market. Meanwhile on Ben's team; James and Yasmina eventually manage to flog their now despised rug in the most stereotypical carpet shop ever.

Back in the boardroom, everyone gets a growly bollocking from SirAlan for completely misjudging the task, and Margaret stands up for Lorraine under fire ("I think you're the Cassandra of this show" - causing even SirAlan to furrow their brow at the classical reference, until she adds something about Lorraine making prophecies and nobody listening. Both teams lose, but Ben's team lose by £130 more, so Ignite get to go truffle tasting and Phil all of a sudden gets to be faux magnaminous to Lorraine whilst drooling over the poshness of the truffle tasting restaurant which even has plates and doesn't serve lambrini ("There must be quite a difference between cheap wine and this!").

Meanwhile Ben's strange rhombus face seems to have aged by about 70 years as he contemplates his defeat ("I have erbsorlootly no probem fighting my corner"). It all develops into an "I sold more than you" willy waving contest with Debra which seems to be missing the whole "valuation" point. Noorul lurks on the sidelines like a spaniel's fart whilst things heat up, and Debs even has a pop at Nick and gets all potty mouthed before incurring the Nookie bear wrath of SirAlan ("I can't put up with someone with a mouth like yours" - slotted Picasso like onto her wicked witch face I think he means). Ben decides that Debs is way too scary to take on and selects JAMES to go into the boardroom, prompting an "et tu Brute" look of wide eyed shock and disdain from Debra ("Bring me in mate!" Cat got your bollocks etc), until he u-turns meekly and brings in Debra and Noorul and SirAlan gently sends James home ("there might be a village missing an idiot"). Noorul would do best to merely point out that Ben undercut his valuation of the skeleton, but instead he starts inappropriately claiming that he is da salesman and rather nastily bringing up all Ben's whispered confidences about "Heat magazine deals" until SirAlan notices that he's actually there and fires him for being a useless gimp.

So it's week 7 and the gang get on down to "London Gateway", Ben expecting it to be a trip to Umbria to sell balsamic vinegar (and inexplicably packing his flip flops and mankini) - only for it to turn out to be a rain-soaked Gateway services where Margaret and Nick wait under big black umbrellas like something out of Smily's people. SirAlan sends them all up North via the M1 to meet 12 designers and choose two products each to flog in Liverpool and Manchester with the warning that EVERYONE has to do theselling. Mona seems to doom herself by eagerly offering to lead an Empire of Howard, Debra and James, whereas Lorraine makes herself the sacrificial lamb for Ignite with Yasmin, Kate, Ben and Phil. Having gotten over of his disappointment of swapping Tuscany for scouseland, Ben sniggers with Phil about how much better they will be at sales than Yasmin, before Lorraine tries a friendly team briefing by warning them all that she will be sticking to her crazy gut feelings no matter what.

In the lovely angular glass monstrosity that is the Manchester Hilton, a parade of sub dragons denners flaunt their wares including a ball that turns into a seat, an OCD man selling something to catch drill dust before it contaminates everything, a strange S shaped coat rack, a sleeping bag with arms and legs which looks like nuclear safety gear but I reckon could be really useful (put in a pee flap and it'd be perfect for camping in winter). A strange obsessive man shows off his double handled dog lead "the lovers lead" which allows couples to walk a poor confused dog together in some sort of insane tug of mutual despair (even more disturbingly he designed it after being dumped - I reckon he planned to use both hands to walk his ex around with it). There's a nicer pet product in the form of the wonderfully wacky "Cat Playhouse" (believe me I know at least 6 friends who would buy this for their moggies) which seems to turn into a plane, fire engine, helicopter or armoured personnel carrier (maybe not the last one) - hopefully not with your favourite feline trapped inside it. There's also an expandable bag called "The Pod" which you can use to carry your shopping in on your bike, which worryingly, as Yasmin points out, only fits on one side, but the designer (of course) reassures them that the bike wouldn't topple over like this honest.

SirAlan's already got two leads for the teams to sell to; a hardware store in Liverpool city centre (I don't recognise it but apparently it's been running for centuries and doesn't just seem to be selling dodgy fairylights and scouser wigs - apparently it's "Lewis's" but looks nothing like I recall) and a posho furniture store in Manchester (are the producers trying to say something?)

In Liverpool, Lorraine's struggling to pitch the wonky bike "Pod", when scouseshopman points out that weight would not be evenly distributed (her "you might want to buy two then" earns an unimpressed look. Nobody likes a smart arse. When asked how many units she wants them to take, rather than ask what they envisage she seems to pluck the random figure of 5000 from behind her spectacles ("Do you expect us to sell 400 a week?" "Um well you're a big enough shop"). At least in the car afterwards Lorraine is big enough to admit that it was the "worst pitch..ever" and Yasmin does a wobbly "Pod" pitch to the posho Mancs (she probably just said "these were too nice for the scousers what do you think?") who are bizarrely interested.

Debra and Howard pitch both the sleeping bag and the dog lead (rather more sensibly they pitch the lead as possibly useful for parents with kids who want to feel that they're walking the dog too), but scouseshopwoman suddenly wakes up and starts asking awkward questions about how much more than a normal sleeping bag their product costs, which makes Howard go ulp and wee himself a little. They have even less luck in the Mancunian emporium who raise their eyebrows, point and laugh. Howard's understandably worried about selling anything, but Debra grits her teeth insanely ("we will sell tomorrow").

Now at this point it seems that both teams have organised the first day along similar lines, with two out pitching to SirAlan's leads whilst the rest stay at the hotel feverishly calling round to generate more appointments with retailers for day 2. However this doesn't seem to be working so well for Lorraine's team as we cut back to the Hilton where Phil and Ben are struggling to assemble the cat playhouse whilst Kate lies around simpering. Lorraine's not happy when Ben sheepishly admits they only have one meeting set up and asks how many calls they made, prompting three entirely unconvincing responses (Ben: "ten", Phil: "fifteen", Kate (of course):"I reckon about twenty"). Lorraine rings off in a huff. "What shall we do now?" giggles Kate. "Go to the pool?" suggests Phil.

Mona and James pitch the sleeping suit at the Modern Army camping store in Manchester and Mona does a surprisingly good job of negotiating with the publicity hungry proprietor. Oh. "That's awesome!" gasps the eternal boarding school boy James.

Oh dear. After doing all the work phoning for leads whilst their team mates presumably engage in petting and bombing, Lorraine and Yasmin end up bitch fighting over who's the best at pitching (whilst Nick looks on askance), when Lorraine says she wants to do the next one, and Yasmin on the surface feels patronised (and inside is worried about getting enough sales to survive the boardroom). Ben drawls down the phone that he's organised another meeting at a top pet store chain and then the cheeky twat gets them to agree to go to it before hanging up and declaring "Well it is a TEAM effort!"

Meanwhile Debra and Howard head to the very same pet store where their purchasing manager appears to prove that pet lovers are mentalists by ordering 200 of the "lovers leads" cos she's "never seen anything like it". Howard realises crashingly that he hasn't actually sold anything and begs Debra to let him have a go but she brushes him off icily and tells him to get his own leads. She even smirks evilly at his "kicked puppy" face. Muwahaha!

PhilKateBen saunter to their one appointment; a cycle superstore in Chester, having not learned that anyone with a passing knowledge of bicycling would not be impressed by "The Pod".Phil's forced to attempt to over-ride (he!) the bikebloke's logic by cycling round the shop clenching his buttocks round the frame to keep it steady before they are ejected from the store empty handed. Lorraine and Yasmin go to the pet store, where crazypetlady is slightly more difficult to please with the cat playground. She highlights that the designs are "focused on boys" (sexist bitch. Any gender would find a cat in a helicopter cute surely?) and Lorraine outrageously misses her point ("I'm sure whether a cat is male or female they would enjoy playing in it") and ends up with only 50 orders. You could cut the silence as they leave the store with Yasmin's "I told you I was better at pitching" sideways stare. Having ballsed up slightly, Lorraine devotes her attention to the utter failure of the other half of her team and hopes (rather green eyed monsterly) whether the boys have been distracted by "Kate's beauty" (on the contrary - Kate seems to be much shitter teamed up with the testosterone twins, and they all fuck up their last pitch before Phil starts ripping the cat playground to bits in the car). Lorraine tries to encourage them over the phone ("We could all be lucky and get a massive order from the other store!" "That's what I'm hoping for" retorts Kate before joining in with Phil's "She's doing my head in" unfounded cuntery about the unfortunately annoying specky one.

Lorraine and Yasmin fail to encourage a scouse pet shop owner who wants to go home to buy the cat playground and resort to one of the many Northern stereotypes that feature in tonight's show when he says no (Yasmin "Well wages are a little bit lower up here" - eh???).

In the boardroom SirAlan's not happy with Mona choosing two crappy products when he'd already arranged leads at two bigs shops, but she gets away with it when it's revealed that she made over £2000 of Empire's £4501 sales. Lorraine's team only manage £1302, and Kate's already tried to put the knife in by claiming that Lorraine's management style lacked structure (I'm sure it was there - oh you probably ignored it).

Empire win a helicopter ride into the London sunset (I am jealous) and James's little boggle eyed happy face is a treat.

Ironically it turns out that Yasmina, who Phil and Ben were dissing in terms of sales skillz remember? bought in the most cash. Rightly Lorraine brings Phil and Kate into the boardroom, recalling that Ben did in fact get the big lead although he was insufferably smug about it.

Phil tries to claim that he kept quiet in this task because SirAlan's biased towards Lorraine and it's not fair and wah wah wah! Kate goes all mental head-bobby which is actually not all that attractive and claims that it was too hard for her to get the leads. Margaret appears to have taken a dislike to our golden girl and snaps "That's part of selling getting your foot through the door" before pointing out that Lorraine and Yasmin faced the same obstacles. SirAlan has words with Lorraine for asking for the scouseshop to take 5000 "Pods" and she admits that she was pitching too high, prompting Phil the eternal arsehat to of course smugly chip in "What did your instinct tell you? eh?" before turning to SirAlan and telling him what an "offensive person" Lorraine is. Remember a few weeks back when Phil reminded me of an ex of mine - well funnily enough he still does. Ugh! Phil then claims that both Kate and Lorraine underachieved ("ooh you'll pay for that!" flash Kate's not so innocent eyes) but Margaret is unconvinced ("How do you know if you weren't with her?" "Ah joost kner")

Kate does herself no favours by slagging off the scouseshop for being too vulgar and Northern for her delicate sensibilities ("They were selling T-shirts at one pound each!" she gasps incredulously) before Nick pulls her up for being a stupid snobby Heather Mills-alikey ("They've been trading for 100 years, and you had the place to yourself" - TOLD!)

Phil starts crying like a toddler that "Lorraine gets away with murder" and bitches about her "mystic meg"  gut instinct style of management like a complete dickwad who's never actually managed to listen to another person properly in his life. SirAlan focuses on Phil's "arrogance, cockiness and control freakiness" which Phil acknowledges almost proudly whilst saying how great he's been at everything ever in the Apprentice before being wonderfully and efficiently silenced by Nick's cool barb ("Tell us about Pants Man" - I bet you Phil will be hearing that for a long time).

SirAlan's worried about how unpopular (and old!) Lorraine is, but Nick and Margaret both seem sympathetic with Nick seeing the KatePhil anti Lorraine alliance as a "pincer movement" whilst Margaret points out that Ben and Yasmin didn't seem so alienated (oh they probably will - when it suits them).

SirAlan sees Kate as having going from hero to zero (not anchor to wanker then. How about totty to botty?), prompting Lorraine to rather snidely and unnecessarily bring up Kate and Phil's "close friendship" and Kate drops Phil like a dodgy kebab ("I've got no loyalties to Phillip or otherwise"). It's just not Phil's day as he's double dumped by a SirAlan firing and sits outside almost crying. Lorraine gives him a kiss goodbye and Kate breezes chillily past him.

He doesn't have the time to learn any humility for the taxi of truth and just whines on bitterly about how much better than Lorraine he really is - ensuring that he shall always be remembered as "Pants Man".

Lorraine doesn't win any friends coming back and gloating in the house ("All I can say is don't underestimate me") and Kate truly has her card marked ("I am INSULTED that you could say my personal life affects my business dealings"... ooh scary self serving lady. I hope she doesn't win!)

Next time Howard tries to rebrand Margate as a gay mecca - if I was a shit Northern comic I would cue some sort of joke about fruit machines. I hope they do make Margate nice - I've been there once and it should be a fab place.

James looks like Bambi in the headlights and is obviously stuck with the task of creating an image and has two buff young chaps sharing an icecream on the beach ("Not too much suggestive licking guys. We're not doing a porno!"

Liking: James, Mona
Feeling sorry for but not warming to: Lorraine
Unsure about: Yasmin, Howard
Disliking: Ben
In the absence of Phil, really disliking: Kate, Debra