Social Talk with the Southwest Socialite
Your Younger Sibling is Getting Married – Before You
Published in the February 2008 issue of Bella Magazine

By Krisha Chachra

So they've set the date.

Your younger sibling is getting married before you and even though you are ecstatically happy for them (its about time, they've been together for hundreds of years, and how many dates have you gone through in this time?), still – before you? You're the older sibling and you've always done everything first. You were the first to make your parents proud; you learned how to ride a bike, swim in the deep end, fill out the college applications and land your first job. You tested the waters so your younger sibling could side-step all those mistakes you made and learn from you. You have always taken care of them through example and they have, in their own way, looked to you for direction. But now they are entering uncharted territory and you can't help but feel that you should have done this first. How can you be there for them without actually ever having been there?

Something Old, Something New, But Hold the Shoes

There is an old Chinese custom that if a younger sibling gets married first, then he/she must buy shoes to give to the older unmarried siblings. These shoes would somehow be used to help them catch up since older siblings usually get married first. The truth is, however, as an older sibling, you don't need catching up.  Forget the stares from ancient relatives or the questions from narrow-minded guests who have nothing else to talk about but 'when will it be your turn?'. They aren't interested in your graduate degrees, or your start-up company or the fact that you're a loving friend and generous volunteer. You have to remember who you are and hold your head high. Among other things, you are the older sibling and just because your younger sibling beat you down the aisle, they still needed your to help to get there - and will continue to need you even after the ceremony is over.   

As an older sibling you most likely understand that planning a wedding is easy – planning a marriage, however, takes work. Perhaps that is why you have cautiously and deliberately waited until you could be with someone worth marrying.  And maybe your younger sibling followed that example and just happened to find someone who was worthy before you did.

Ask Now or Forever Hold Your Peace

In that respect, you are still the example after all.  Therefore, continue to be.  Before the wedding, if you have thoughts or concerns feel free to share them, the way you always have. It's OK if your feelings tinge on resentment or strong sentiments. Hopefully your sibling will be sensitive to the situation and tolerant of volatile emotions. But if your feelings revolve around other concerns, try not to come across as the know-it-all older sibling and blurt out un-solicited advice (which, by the way, will be a waste of your breath because younger siblings have perfected the art of completely ignoring authority figures who try to boss them around). Instead, try to express your concerns as a question and find out how your sibling truly feels and thinks.  

What makes your sibling think they are old enough or experienced enough to get married now (if this is your concern)?  What about their dreams for the future?  Do they think they can accomplish them in a marriage? Ask if their future spouse knows these dreams and fully supports them. Does your sibling act like themselves around their fiancé?  Does your sibling feel like they can behave the same way around their fiancé as they do around you? How do they make time for themselves? What is the fiancé's opinion about family and education?  Find out your sibling's opinion about the fiancé's family.  Do they feel comfortable with them and are they ready to be part of this new family?  If cultural differences are a factor, are they strong enough to cause problems in the marriage in the long term?  Asking questions of your sibling before they tie the knot will help you quell your concerns as well as show them that you care about their happiness. 

But when your younger sibling answers your questions, believe them. Even though they are younger, they are the ones in the relationship, not you. They can only know how they feel and what the relationship is truly like. What they need more than anything is your support, even after the honeymoon when times get tough. Younger siblings need to know that you'll be there, even if what you were concerned about before the wedding manifests itself to be true.

There is no religious text, no nature order of things, no written rule that states the older sibling needs to get married first. Remember just because your younger sibling decided to settle down before you, doesn't mean you have relinquished the role of setting the example or looking out for them. The two of you might just have different goals and you've chosen to live you life in a different way. They will still watch you succeed in your career, observe you making healthy choices, learn from you as you stand up for what's right in the world and yes, they'll still call on you when they need direction. So go out there and buy yourself your OWN pair of shoes and keep living your fabulous life.

Krisha Chachra is author of the book Homecoming Journals and a communications columnist who focuses on the social and relationships scene.  She airs a weekly podcast on the same subject and invites you to listen, comment and read other social talk columns at www.socialtalkers.com