Many people will walk out their front door on a beautiful saturday afternoon this summer feeling inspired by the sunny weather, feeling renewed by the sounds of birds chirping and chipmunks raping...then realize they have no idea what to do with themselves. Here's a helpful guide for some fun summer activities that you and your loved ones will be sure to enjoy.
- Open a lemonade stand on the corner. Sell pink and classic yellow lemonade varieties to your neighbors for a reasonable price (two-dollars-fifty).
- Enjoy a day at the ZOO! Watching various animals procreating can be a great bonding activity for any broken home that's been rocked by adultery and divorce!
- Go to a baseball game. Even if you live somewhere without a major league team, try a minor league game. Usually minor league teams offer all-you-can-eat or all-the-beer-you-can-drink promotions to make up for the fatness and lack of athleticism exhibited by their players (who more than likely double as your trusty Oldsmobile salesman). What could be more fun than watching your already portly children stuff yet another wad of cotton candy into their blue lips and sharp teeth? I can't think of anything.
- Have an impromptu water balloon fight. I HIGHLY recommend this for any adults who have children. Believe me, you will enjoy nothing more than slamming your son or daughter hard in their face with an over-inflated water balloon! It...is...hilarious. Believe me. For EXTRA FUN see if you can hit them hard enough to make their feet fly out from under them.
- Start drinking at 9 a.m. one day. This is my personal favorite. Here's what you do:
- Go to bed early and well hydrated the night before. Lights out by 11 p.m.
- Wake up to a quick refreshing shower. Rinse and repeat!
- Have your friends meet you at 8:30 a.m. at whichever house has the best pool.
- Start guzzling booze (white wine spritzers, sloe gin fizz, etc.) at 9 a.m.
- Push your gangliest friend in the pool at 10 a.m. to liven things up! For myself this will almost always be a pasty white (almost albino) gangly spider-like creep named Matt Ratston.
- Be yourself!
- Fuck something with your penis or vagina!