I can't say that all is well on the Haley Joel Osment front.  The little bucktoothed shit has refused to acknowledge me as his father and thus has failed to remit the payment I've demanded (10% of his earnings from "The Sixth Sense" and "Secondhand Lions."  His lawyers have stated on his behalf that "he already has a father who raised him for his entire life."  I'm sick of this bullshit.  In a way it's a microcosm of the declining importance of family in American culture.  Even my own lawyers have expressed doubt in my ability to father a child when I was seven years old, but I know what happened and truth always prevails.

-  It has been brought to my attention that neither Franco-American-brand Spaghettios NOR Chef-Boyardee-brand ravioli is considered "dessert."  I now suspect that the people at my last dinner party were just being polite when they asked for seconds.

-  I no longer am using the word "zesty" to describe sexual experiences.

-  If one more person stops me on the street, confusing me for a young Brad Pitt, I'm going to scream.  "Your hair was so luxuriant in Legends of the Fall" or "What was your abdominal routine before you filmed Fight Club" they say just before they ask for me to sign one of their private parts with a Sharpie.    Fed up

-  I'm going to Tokyo over Thanksgiving.  I'm super pumped to feel tall.  What if I get addicted to the feeling.  I suspect I may be attending the 2009 San Diego Little Peoples' Convention as a "Full-sizer." 

-  Don't have your friend throw a watermelon into the air for you to try to jump-kick it into the pool.  Neither you, your friend, nor the pool will be better in any way as a result.

-  My opinions on aardvarks has changed.  I now see them for the overrated smug little pricks they are.  Have you noticed the way they're always smiling in cartoons?    IT'S BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN YOU!  The faster you accept this the easier it will be to move on.

Please, let me know what's going on with you, any revelations in your lives? 

Love

Patrick B(uns) DeLuca