I'm willing to spend time in the local jail to assault the kid who plays the lead singer in the FreeCreditReport.com commercials, constantly singing and spelling the word "free." 

F-R-E-E, that spells free, credit-report-dot-com, ba-by!

Really?  So the word "free" isn't spelled with 17 Z's you fucking prick?  We all know how to spell "free" you condescending piece of shit.

How about this genius slice of hell:

Well I married my dream girl, I married my dream girl
But she didn't tell me her credit was bad

Well I guess someone didn't do their research, did they, you cunt?  Maybe you shouldn't run off and get married to the first girl who expresses interest in your chubby cockface and pube-head.  I'll send you to hell, the hell you deserve for getting these songs stuck in all of our fucking heads you ludicrous popinjay. 

I'd pay good American currency just for a chance to shove the guy.

Should have gone to freecreditreport.com (yeehaa!)
I could have seen this coming at me like an atom bomb.

Seen a lot of atom bombs coming at you?   Hmm?  Well have you, you cock-fuck?  How many?  No, no, I demand that you answer me right now, HOW MANY atom bombs have you seen coming at you, you pudgy piece of shit?  You cherubic dork. None, none is the answer.  The world would've been done a favor had an atom bomb been plundered upon your family's shit-filled shanty-home when you were a mere babe.  I wonder if you'll see the shovel coming at you as clearly as this magical non-exploding atom bomb you've imagined in your fat gaybrain?  Because that is what I shall use to destroy you, a shovel. 

That being said, I'm sure the actor is probably a good guy who just has to sing annoying songs that the ad- geniuses wrote for him, but nonetheless he's in trouble shall we cross paths in a dark alleyway.
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Was crossing Santa Monica Blvd. last week when I got a call on my high-tech cell phone from a friend. 

Just drove by you and have to ask, what THE FUCK was that face you were just making crossing the street, he said.

Now although I wasn't aware of making a face at the time, I was aware of the cause of said-face.  I was picturing an invisible car hitting me at 70 miles an hour.  I admitted what was going on and he went dead silent.  After a pause he admitted

Dude, no joke, I've pictured the invisible car.  I KNOW the invisible car.

So 3 questions:

A.  Are there invisible cars?
B.  Will there ever be invisible cars?
C.  Anyone else scared of the invisible car?
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I texted my friend from college, Claire, who I hadn't spoken to in over a year "Toilet, hahahaha" today.  About ten minutes later she responded "Hey, I'm married now, just got back from my honeymoon in Fiji.  How are you?"

Funny how different our lives have become.  I'm spending the day laughing and screaming the word "toilet" out of my car window while she's out having luncheons with the in-laws and picking out wallpaper. 
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I haven't fallen out of bed since I was four years old yet the fear of sleeping in the top bunk of a bunkbed remains.
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When does a human look gayer than when they jump out from behind something to scare someone?  Think about the pose, feet spread apart, jazz-hands, gay look on face, and making this noise "Haaaaaaaaa."  Why is this how we scare other people?  "Haaaaa."  A friend tried to scare me the other day and ended up looking like Fred Astaire's gay ghost.  Imagine if this was how actual "bad guys" scared people when they broke into your house.  "Haaaaaa."  (awkward silence ensues)  Then bad guy slinks out "I should probably get goin..."
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Sorry to end on a sad note, but R.I.P. Lemlee Gremlinheads.  He was found dead near his dwelling around 8:30 Monday morning.  Still awaiting autopsy results.  He lived life in the fastlane, and now has paid the ultimate price.  Although he was difficult to deal with at times I found him to consistently be the most entertaining manatee at Gerald's Manatee Park in Key Biscayne, Florida.