If you have ever been outside when the sun goes down you will know exactly what i am talking about.  When that moment comes.... the sky is filled with the most beautiful colors I've ever seen in my life.  The red... orange.... purple... it's amazing. ( like that time we were at the knaub)....  More detailed than any artist's canvas will ever be and more sharp and defined than any lens of a camera could ever capture.  Take just a moment and picture that in your head.  Good.... the emotions that you are feeling are what i'm going for here.  Now.... that picture no longer has those bright vivid colors.  Lets make it black and white.  Doing this would rob this moment of everything that makes it special.  It basically sucks the life out of it.  The bright red streaks in the sky are now just a dull grey....  The orange gone as well... now slightly a darker shade of grey.  The same goes with every color you were imagining.  The entire image... now basically dead even though the action never changes.  it was still the sun going down but now its just not good enough.

I have a good life....  No, i have a great life. I have a great family that treats me well.  My friends are second to none.  I've dated... in my opinion, nothing but the best. You would think someone like myself would be the happiest camper in the world.  Why is it I'm not....? I finally figured it out...

I see no color.  not literally.... I am still physically able to see them.  Due to some past experiences those colors have been burned from my memory.  i just dont feel them any more....  the same emotions robbed from the image i gave you earlier are being robbed from my life in every aspect.  I've occasionally turned into a loner even though my new friends are great.  And with the luck i've had dating... i still some how always feel ...bored....the same convo's....with the same perspectives....its all too repetitive!  I KNOW this is not the truth about my life.  Technically i know i'm good enough for anything and i'm a sweet person so i deserve a good guy...or a good anything for that matter..... i just dont FEEL it.  I dont feel it because i can not remember what it was like to see my life in "color."

Its no secret that i am at a crossroad in my life.  I have been searching for something.  Till this day... I didn't even know what i was searching for.  I thought it might be to find "the one."  i thought it might be to find myself in over a million different ways.  i was wrong. 

What i'm looking for i cant find in someone else.  This life change that i'm looking for isn't imaginary.  It is as real as the sunset.  i just need to repaint my sunset.  In order to do that.... i've had to remove the old picture.  Forgive and forget.  I have every reason to be bitter however i chose not to be.  i chose to look forward instead of behind.... still learning from the past but not finding myself stuck in it.  

I would give anything to see my life in a color that i have yet to imagine...  As for now i am stuck in a black and white, emotionally barren world trying to find my way out.  I want "color."  Then and only then will i truly be happy.

And...i know that day is soon