I keep wandering back in my mind through thoughts of love and frustration and shock as I wandered through Thailand, and continue to journey through this education that I chose. What really matters? And how do I impact that? Or truly, how do I not impact it? Every day in every way, the butterfly effect in complexity theory.. every thought every action impacts everything else. How often do I think, act, and be in a place of love? And when I don't, how do I learn to let it go and not feel bad about it?

Thailand was a dirty place.. not dirty like filthy as much as dirty from toxic Western (largely American) influences. And yet it was so beautiful. Such depth of lush green mixed with humble beautiful rural workers living with their land in a way that honors the greatest home we all have. Buddhists surrounding me reminding me of love and karma and trusting in a larger picture of life that is fundamentally peaceful. But what about those girls who feel like they have no choice but to sell their bodies to send money to their families? And what about those many many many men from all over the globe that support the industry. The selling of sex as an industry. How could it be anything but fundamentally wrong? And is it truly the most empowered choice that these women have? And if so, how FUCKED UP is that? How seriously fucked up is that?

But what to do about it all. As I laid my body under a hot sun, reading about gender and racial issues affecting our epistemologies in research, in the midst of the most beautiful beaches I have ever seen, laying topless in a conservative country, because Western influence has made that okay in the tourist areas, what exactly am I doing? Am I disgracing locals from my choice of dress, or making a difference by being aware of the racial and gender biases grounded in epistemological perspective of my inquiry, or making a difference by recognizing that talking about all these issues does jack shit for that young woman that just became a "bar girl" who hides back in the corner, wanting business to send money home, scared to death that it will come to her.

So I return to my studies, return to my heartache, return to the noisy tourists around me, return to the 7-11 to get a water, all the while bothered by my own support of such a terrible convenience store putting the locals out of business. Return to my internet conversation with the other students in my program. Return to the daunting task of PhD work, return to my own uncertain vision of impacting the world.

The last week of my time there, I found a peace, I found deep love for the country. One of the greatest gifts I can imagine is to share something like this with your mother. Mine came to meet me and that was the greatest blessing of that particular travel experience. And now I am back, looking at my education, walking through the fires of fear as I read and write and grow exponentially. And I trust that we can only do what we can do, only love as much as our hearts are open to love, only give as much as we forgive, and only shine as brightly as the sun. I have finally come to a point of being able to articulate my inquiry for school, so here goes..

My intention is to empower human beings to reconnect with the sacred. I approach this through re-establishing communication with and awareness of the sacred implicit in our global ecosystem. Considering the body as our most direct connection with Earth and Nature, my method applies the concepts of Ecopsychology and Deep Ecology, Complexity, and theories of Transformation to Shamanic and Integral Yogic practices. This integration reveals a mutually nourishing and sustainable relationship between the body and Nature which extends to the diverse ecologies that comprise human existence and experience.

That's all for now... I love you. I love this beautiful living being and home always breathing us. I love this experience. Live it up.