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Current mood:fat, not surprisingly
For the record... it's 68.9 kg. Since just now.
It's 6:19am and I'm awake. Didn't really sleep much, probably five hours max. Am now making coffee. Just took my Cipralex - yes, they put me on meds in the hospital. Currently that's the only one I take regularly, but when I need it I have Temesta (which is a sed) and also Tenox to help me fall asleep. And Levozin, which is an actual sleeping pill.
My official diagnosis is personality disorder, or "demanding personality"... I think. When I went in the doctor also wrote down the anorexia stuff, but he says that the personality disorder is the underlying cause to everything. He's a nice man, I like him. He says that I'm mentally still undergoing puberty because I wasn't allowed to do that when I was at the appropriate age for it. Makes sense. I have no recollection of ever being a teenager in that sense.
I don't know why I'm talking about this. Maybe it's because that's all very easy. It's very concrete and objective: "He says", "they say"... I don't have to think about what I say, or what I think (which is the worst part). The doctor always asks me "how do you feel about this" and "how does that sound to you" and it kills me to have to say "I don't know", almost every time. I have difficulty staying present when they're discussing me and my life plans and goals and my mental state. It's not something I feel very attached to.
Anyway. I'm sure I'll talk about hospital in the future, on and off. But not now.
Last night was gym with mother... working on mid section, as the case is on Sundays. Tomorrow it's the upper body, lower body on Friday. Today it's my interval exercise, which is going to be 45 minutes of crosstrainer. Thursday is probably going to be a regular one hour walk.
I don't know how much people exercise in general. I have a feeling I should be doing more than this. But as I keep saying, square one. I'm working on a lot of things, apparently.
Anyway, back is a bit troublesome... It's been acting up on occasion. Luckily I don't really need those muscles today ^_^ Not that much.
I have occt at 10am, and before that I'll go out for a coffee with dad. And after that, lax ride and market square - I want some flowers.
Oh yeah - I have my own place now. Well, I'm renting it but you get my point. It consists of one bedroom, hall, living room, small kitchen and a bathroom. And a large balcony with almost a view of the sea. The shore is less than half a mile away and the house is on a hill. I love this place, I still can't believe I live here.
I still can't believe it's not enough to make my life better.
I have made a new friend in the hospital. I'm having a small exhibition in a coffee shop gallery in November - the owner asked me to have one, after seeing me drawing while having my coffee. I get complimented on my intellect and my creative abilities and my level of fitness and my pleasant personality and my physical health. It's all a bunch of crap, and I feel bad because I'm supposed to feel good about it. They say that it will take a long time to fix me and it's completely normal that I don't believe them when they give me compliments. Yeah, whatever.
It hurts to say that the only thing I'm really proud of is the fact that I got below 42 kg. As far as I'm concerned, that's the only true accomplishment for me. If I have to find a good thing about this hospital stay I'd say it's finding out that I love to exercise. That has really helped in dealing with the anxiety. And now, being more fit than I've ever been, it will be easier to get to a lower weight. I can even take the pain of lax better these days. I'm not an invalid as a result. These are the positives.
On a completely different note: I can't wait to get my own mouse back. I'm currently using the in-built one on the laptop and it's a real pain. So slow, so awkward. The proper one is still at dad's place - I only got my laptop back from servicing on Saturday so I'm not prepared. But tonight I will be.
I have lost all my files as a result of The Great Computer Comatose Attack. I don't care, they're just files. Yeah, that's a mantra I keep repeating to myself over and over. And I guess I believe it. Fresh starts are handy.
By the way, I've not eaten sweets for three and a half weeks now. Of course I've had everything else that's sweet... ice cream mainly. I made a rule that I can have either ice cream or sweets during one day - and ice cream is simply harder to give up. I think I'm on the right track. I really went mad with the binging, and I'm still partly doing it. I eat way too much, but at least I've managed to cut down on the amount, a little bit. One step at a time.
Now, I can't go back to 500 cals a day or less - not if I still want to be able to exercise like I have done now. The cardio would be impossible for me without food, as much as I hate it. I need the energy. I haven't set a limit for calories... I'll try and normalize the eating (the amount) first. Then I'll get into it more thoroughly.
This is one long entry. It's about to come to an abrupt end. You just watch.
More to follow (apologies in advance).
It's like I never left.
3:13 AM
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