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Current mood:fat and hopelessly alone in the world
I was just on the phone with my primary nurse from the hospital... she was scheduled to call me tonight, just to see how I was doing. She's calling me again on Saturday. This is a new thing - never been done during previous holidays. Lately I've had a hard time. I guess it's because I'm going to be out of there soon. Separation anxiety, facing the reality again. Hospital is so far from reality. It's so easy to feel safe when everything in your life is pretty much scheduled by other people. At least you know where you are and where you should be going and what you should be doing at any given time. I don't know. I don't feel safe when I think about living in reality, on my own, with my own set of rules or lack thereof.
If only I could get the weightloss started. If only.
Been eating like a pig again today. Yesterday was pretty close to normal eating, in terms of calories consumed... but that was only because I had a visitor and I couldn't eat as much as I normally do. Couldn't binge like I have every night for a long time now. Tonight too, and all day really, mini binges. 120 laxies to go with that. My stomach hurts.
Yes, I'm desperate. I find myself in the same spot as ten months back, only 30ish kilograms heavier. Almost as desperate, almost as hopeless... and, I dare to say, even more alone. Because now I've got more people in my life that I need to lie to. Good people I've grown to like - that nurse for example, my physical therapist, a few other nurses. The lax, the damned lax. I can't tell them I've been on it almost all this time. Well, not all time but a long time anyway. And it's just as bad and ugly as before. I can't tell them, and so I'm alone again.
I'm not going to be cured, because in my heart I really don't want to be cured. Or I do, but there's one thing I want more than being cured - and that's to be thin. Or dead, or possibly both. That would actually be the best way of things: first be thin, then die. I was heading for thin and then I was stopped by some force that made me go ask for a break from it all. Stupid force. I might be dead by now if it hadn't messed with my head like that.
I want food to stop existing.
I want to sleep forever. I want to never see anyone again, and I want no one to ever see me again. I don't want to wake up or get up tomorrow, not even for gym (which I really love to go to, normally). I'm so exhausted for some reason. I really don't want to be alive right now, or ever. It's a sad state of things. Sort of.
I don't know what's going on. I have a feeling that I've written this same blog entry before, almost the exact same words. Everything repeats itself, and the bad stuff is always highlighted. I hate myself and I want to die. That about sums it up.
I feel hostile towards the world and myself. Hostile and violent. I should sleep, but I'm afraid to. How can you not want what you want? Fucking head, it's tripping itself up again. I haven't a clue.
5:55 PM
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