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chained



Last Updated: 3/21/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 29
Sign: Cancer

Country: FI

Who Gives Kudos:

elsbeth (2)
lost (2)
[25 May 2008 | Sunday] 

Current mood:fat beyond recognition
They say I was close to dying of a heart attack. If that's true, I so wish that I would have died when I had the chance. I know that's selfish - I don't care. I'm a selfish person, and that shouldn't be news to anyone who knows me.
For the record, I never believed that I was anywhere near death - I still don't. There was an IV attached to me, but only for a few hours... so I've had that experience now. I've had the experience of crying and crying and crying and being locked up and being supervised during meals, being truly forced to eat. I've been there, but it was never extreme. I don't think there was ever any real danger of my heart quitting on me. But if that was the case... yeah. Why couldn't it work? I worked so hard for it... and now I've lost everything I ever worked for. Almost 30 kilograms away from where I made it to. I want back there. I want to get lower than that. I regret that I never made it to the 30s.

The thing I'm truly proud of is that I got as low as I did. For a person with my obesity history, that's really something. I am proud. But the pride is completely killed off by the shame of my hideous fatness right now. And I just can't stop eating. No, I've not made any progress - and I still don't have a plan.

I was reading your comments from while I was gone. You were worried, or so it seemed. Now, no one worries anymore. Good old fat Chained, she's just fine with all of her fat. All the drama is gone. I've realised that I can't live without drama... and I can't live with being fat again. Of course I was still fat at 42, but not nearly as fat as I am now.

I feel like cutting. It's been a long time since I last did it - hospital doesn't allow blades (well duh...) but I have had a knife with me. They haven't searched my stuff, not even after I got caught trying to get lax. It pays off to be a good girl, sometimes.

This is a sad time. Evenings are sad in general. I don't know where to put all my self repulsion when it's time to go to bed. There's simply not enough room in this apartment, or this world.

Fuck this. I'll just shut up now.
Currently listening:
Elect the Dead
By Serj Tankian
Release date: 2007-10-23
6:30 PM
 
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Shimmi

 
I still worry.
 
Posted by Shimmi on [26 May 2008 | Monday] - 11:52 AM
[Reply to this] 
elsbeth

 
Hugs. I still worry too.
 
Posted by elsbeth on [28 May 2008 | Wednesday] - 2:32 PM
[Reply to this] 
lost

 
>-----o.o-----< lots of love. i see so much of myself in you and it makes me so sad to read that the hospitale and the psychologist didn't help. do there exist people who can never be happy? people who always keep searching for the dark side? people like us? i love me best friend, you remind me of her
 
Posted by lost on [29 May 2008 | Thursday] - 6:37 PM
[Reply to this] 
† Alessa Gillespie †

 
silly u never left my thoughts, although i was far away. I'm sorry u'r feeling that way, i'm sorry that happened, sometimes life's too complicated to understand and even worse, ourselves are way too complicated to understand. But know something, u're not alone on this.

i love u
 
Posted by † Alessa Gillespie † on [13 Feb 2009 | Friday] - 4:00 AM
[Reply to this]