DUNNY COLUMN 2007!!! NO, YOU DIDN'T GET RID OF ME...
BEEEATCH. How d'you like me now?
Alright, I'll be honest. I don't do this often enough. But I have an excellent excuse for absence this time. It's here somewhere… I just saw it…just a second ago…oh bollocks, erm…
I was out fishing one day when a massive whale came up and swallowed me whole. I was in its belly for three years or…
No that was Jonah or something, or was it Pinocchio?
Or both? I get my fiction mixed up. Much better with fact.
No.
Alien abduction.
It's true, I abducted a bunch of aliens and took them to Alton Towers…..
No.
I was making a film about a killer shark and had to be at sea for months, my entire fledgling reputation on the line…
No. That was Steven Spielberg, in 1976. And what a masterpiece it was, I get happy thinking about that film. And Die Hard.
Erm.
I was on a Government committee for two years solid, trying to work out what would happen if 6 turned out to be 9, as Jimi Hendrix pondered so philosophically…
No.
I was crucified and then rose again three days later proclaiming that I'd only done it so that you monkeys could be forgiven when you're naughty…
No.
That's not just the Jeez Geez, that's Kurt Cobain as well if you believe some Americans.
In Vietnam, I was part of a crack special-forces team, which was incarcerated for a crime we didn't commit. We broke out of a maximum-security military stockade and were on the run for twelve thousand minutes, at prime-time. Now if you're in trouble, and you think no one can help, maybe you should call…
No.
Erm,
I've been hiding in a hole in Iraq for a few months until a couple of guys found me, checked my teeth and shaved me before handing me over to 'authorities', who, whilst filming the affair and screaming sectarian abuse at me, brutally hanged me, by way of murder, to prove that the world doesn't approve of murder and that it is wrong to kill, so they killed me to make their point, I hang corrected, my mistake, boy is my face red, or is it purple…
No, that was that nasty-ass, pricksimpleton from the land of terror. And I don't mean Bush.
I'm going to stop jamming up the information super B-road with this jibba-jabba rubbish. I have really been busy and like your mum, a bit slack.
JOKING.
As Jimbo Jombo the bass says: Christ on a bike! You need to chill your somethings. Ok he doesn't say that but he does often exclaim things such as 'Christ on a bike!'
And also 'Hell's balloons!'
I've actually been writing a novel, it's about two cities and the tale between them.
I'm shaking my head as well, don't worry. At least I have a head to shake, jealous are we? Mary Queen of Scots? Eh? (Lel I writ that gag for you, girl). (If you can call it a gag at all).
Speaking of gags, mine's finally off, so here come da knowledge…
What news, what news? I hear your brains eagerly screaming telepathically!
Whatappnin?
I got flu.
That's what happened.
I handled it like a real man, a steel-willed warrior. After five minutes of feeling a little bit off colour, I did what any real man would do, I made a will, moaned at girls for sympathy, received none, and cried about it.
It was really bad actually, so bad that I didn't drink beer for about four days. Or was it weeks? It felt like years.
This was the legitimate, hard-core version of the old enemy, the invisible menace, influenza. Not only did I have it, I selflessly showed charity (well it began at home I guess) and gave it to everyone else. I mean how socialist can you be? The crew of the Potemkin would be proud of me. I ain't eatin' no damn meat with worms in either me hartees, let's fuck 'em up, we CAN'T fail, all our comrades will join us!
(Oh read about it).
So my friends and colleagues are so happy, the gift I bequeathed them, but in my defence, I found out something from my physician. She said something wonderful:
"You know, brave Dunny, you're most contagious, most transmissive with flu, 48 hours before you develop symptoms." Ok I made up the
'brave' part but the rest is true.
Another masterstroke by Mother Nature that one, cries I.
"Well how the hell am I supposed to stop this horrid ailment spreading to my loved ones?" I wondered.
"Erm, without being screened for Influenza every day, you have no chance of prevention". She opined.
So I must live as a hermit, or have more needles in me than Pete Crockerty?
Fine, Mister Influenza. You win. I hope you're happy, you despicable viral bastard. I shouldn't say that, I understand his big brother's quite hard, street fighter in the Far East, into poultry, that kind of thing …
RIGHT!
I saw a band a few weeks ago called Cardboard Radio. From York. And I have to say, they were absolutely 'kin brilliant. Check em out. If you don't, everyone will call you a dipshit.
Three piece, kind of country, kind of rock. I'm sure they have myspace and a website, which I'm sure they told me about, but I didn't retain the information. I am not on commission with them so believe me, balls to the wall brilliant! And do you know what else, a jolly decent group of gentlemen to boot!
So there you go, not often I see a good band let alone one I want to extol the virtues of, but there's a fourth time for everything.
And now for the bits you were all waiting for...
Ha ha
Ha
Ha
Ha Ha
Ha
NEWS
SEVENEWS
We pressed our first album just before Xmas, as some of you lucky pro-creators will know, as we were handin' out limited advance copies at our last show.
The album is gonna be on Amazon (where you can buy the CD) and on Indiestore.com (where you can buy the mp3s) within the next week.
We released the album with the wonderful people of the fly a couple of months ago (that's how long it's been since I seen your happy little faces) and it was in association with those wonderful biochemists at Wild Turkey.
Sevenball thanks MATT from our very bottom and his wonderful people behind the fly bar bar (not a grammatical mistake you pedants). Whom we genuinely love. Major thanks to Ross as well, and Graeme the Great, his name shall forever be celebrated and praised.
Bex 'Bobby Dazzler' Colwell should also be singled out for her devotion to duty, and also for playing a great set with us that evening. You need to check her music out too. She is as a ray of sunshine on a rainy day. And that's no shit.
And then Christmas, which I don't remember a lot of due to beer.
And a couple of weeks away from each other for our sanity.
And couple of weeks more of drinking and messing around.
Then we cleaned our studio, which took two months of solid graft, we literally filled more bin liners than Jeffrey Dahmer! What with all the beer cans, old sausage rolls, fag butts, swollen milk, Somerfield pasties, splintered drumsticks, and all that rubbish like Beatles posters. Etc.
JOKING Jim, before you beat me with your nearest copy of Revolver, or an actual revolver. Anyway, aren't you supposed to be writing your bloody studio log? Eh? The gauntlet is thrown down in pubic, I mean public, James.
And then New Year, new tunes, new socks (well I changed them) and new recordings, and gigs to be announced soon so pay attention chicks and fellars.
So a massive ner, to you, we have been doing stuff. Not just pocket billiards.
I'd say I'll write again soon, but you'll never believe that.
HAPPY HAPPY ENGAGEMENT Dom and Daisy. Wicked news, and I think you'll both find, a good decision by both of you.
JONNY TURBO, like Stevie Wonder as a sniper, WE WILL ALWAYS BE MISSING YOU TERRIBLY WHEN WE DON'T SEE YOU.
Genuine thanks to all our friends, families, fans and people who constantly kick my arse about what we're up to. Oh and the people who say I'm offending them with the column, having thought about it, seriously, take a joke, or you can jolly well sex off! Go on, have a word with yourself. Anyways, you aint seen nothing yet.
It's a free country.
Anyone who says that has never paid for an oyster card or a beer in our capital.
It's an arm and a leg country in actuality.
Big love to all of you, and hope to see yous soon.
Keep on truckin'.
Dunnoir
THE OBTUSE AND OFTEN OFFENSIVE VIEWS VOICED IN THE DUNNY COLUMN DO NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF SEVENBALL OR ANY RIGHT-THINKING PERSON IN THE WHOLE OF CHRISTENDOM. WE HAVE TO KEEP TELLING YOU THIS. IT'S JUST BEST PRACTICE WHEN YOU HAVE A LEGITIMATE GOBSHITE IN YOUR BAND. TAKE HEED NEW LABOUR.
SEVENBALL OPERATES ON A NO WIN, NO FEE, NO LEGAL, BASIS. IF YOU'VE BEEN HURT IN A TRIP OR FALL IN THE WORKPLACE, OR BEEN INJURED AS A RESULT OF AN ACCIDENT WHICH WASN'T YOUR FAULT, TOUGH SHIT, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING IN FUTURE. SURELY YOU CAN TELL WHEN A FLOOR IS WET WITHOUT A DAMNED SIGN, FFS.
;-)