I never felt like i could be happy.Never really felt like i deserved it. Life deals you cards and you play what you get..sometimes it feels like i got dealt the shittiest hand..
 Sometimes i hurt so bad my chest litaraly feels like its gonna cave in. I dont know how to make things better. I feels like i either not pretty enough, smart enough and definatly not strong enough. I just want to be happy. Is it too much to ask to be able to breathe, i mean really just take a deep breath and enjoy it. Not just to calm down or to stop my self from saying whats on my mind.. I should just say it , the blow up is gonna happen eventually.I just want to be happy.
I guess my biggest problem is i dont know what i want or what will make me happy.
i want my family to be together .. I want to be an awesome mom, no t just a good mom but an awesome mom.. I want to be needed , appreciated, and wanted as a wife  and as a woman... I want to be sexy and feel sexy.. I want to be irrisistable.. At some point i want to be #1 to someone and be something..
  I guess i want alot.. I dont want anything tangible.. I dont care if i have the latest and greatest of the biggest and best... I just want a stable life.. where i can be comfortable.. comfortable in my own home and my own skin...