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CAUSTIC



Last Updated: 11/25/2009

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Status: Single
City: MADISON
Country: US
Signup Date: 11/7/2004

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Alas Vera (1)
(x_=).m (1)

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Cutting Agent
Doug Stanhope
Tuesday, August 25, 2009 

I've hit that wonderful point in the creation of the CD where I'm in what we call (and this is a technical term) a "freakin' slump".  Right now I can't finish a damn thing, start a damn thing, or come up with any ideas for my EXISTING ideas that feel like I'm helping them.

Being stressed out over the upcoming 3 day FMF09 Reverence Showcase in 3 weeks isn't helping (www.fmf09.com for info and tickets), but let me lay out what you get to deal with if you live with me:  1) "Normal Guy Matt", who is calm, affable, and mildly amusing, 2) "Crazy Matt", who is hyperkinetic, full of ideas, and probably more annoying than amusing, and 3) "Depressed Matt",  who feels like he's thoroughly sinking, nothing's worth it, and that he can't do anything right.  Strangely, Depressed Matt can be HYSTERICAL, mainly because I simply give less of a shit than normal what's "right" to say...and I end up apologizing later.  Oh well.

So yup, I'm a catch.  And I'm also in #3.  The wonders of suffering from depression (like many, I ain't special or some "tortured artist" here) is that I, well, HAVE TO SUFFER WITH DEPRESSION SOMETIMES.  It sucks, plain and simple.  Yeah, I'm on meds, but they don't cancel out the emotions.  They don't cancel out the weird thoughts and the want/need (yay, alcoholism) to self-medicate.  I'm not suicidal or anything, as it always passes, but MAN does it suck in the meantime.

Basically I just get really focused on one band that "speaks to me" and overlisten to them.  Right now, that's the Riverboat Gamblers.  Nothing helps a depressive with a  drinking problem more (at least me) than hearing songs from OTHER depressives with drinking problems.

Hey, birds of a feather, right?  This also explains why I listen to more punk than industrial most of the time-- better songs to relate to about being a fuck-up.

So what does this mean for the CD?  It's shelved until I get my mojo back.  I contemplated not even writing this as truthfully not much has been completed outside of a new track getting a demo mix (Piss and Vinegar) and tossed up on myspace since I'll be playing it at a bunch of upcoming shows (which I alternately just want over and am excited about), but I figured I wanted an honest representation of creating new music and for a lot of us "artist types" depression and mental issues are very real.

I know many who are much worse than me, and I don't hide it and I'm not ashamed of it.  I still have a damn good life as much as I feel like I'm being sucked into a vortex of steaming shit sometimes, and so I just have to yell at my head to shut up (in the "non voices-hearing" way:)) and keep writing lyrics, as that's one of the ways I get this out of me.
Luckily, I'm coming up with some really good stuff in that dept.  Now I just need to write MUSIC for it...and that'll be for another CD altogether if I ever release it.

So there ya go.  I'm in the shitty part of the creative process.  Welcome to Caustic.
The nice part is I know I'll get out of this and start going crazy being creative and having fun.  Unfortunately I have to be patient as because I never know WHEN that'll happen. 

Fingers crossed on sooner than later...
2:40 PM
 
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Cryogen Second

 
Yessir. I understand #3 to a T and it's good to see other people deal with it... I can write about 6 months out of the year and the other six months I feel like such a fuckup or that I've "lost the ability to write". It always feels like it is worse than the last time I went through it and that "I'm just not gonna be able to drag myself out of it this time", but the reality is that it tends to go away and when I do get back into writing I get some of the best material out of my downtime.

I'm pretty sure that artists brains are hardwired to be only so creative for so long before our synapses can't take the pressure anymore and just stop working in those departments. I can feel pretty taxed after I write something and I've been working on it for days, I'm really happy when it's done and I get to listen to it over and over and say "look what I can do!" but the process can be really draining/time consuming.

 
Posted by Cryogen Second on Tuesday, August 25, 2009 - 3:43 PM
[Reply to this] 
CAUSTIC

 
Unfortunately I'm also overloaded on work, organizing my fest, trying to finish 3 remixes, and working on live sets for 2 projects...oh, and LIFE.

I'm a moron.
 
Posted by CAUSTIC on Tuesday, August 25, 2009 - 3:45 PM
[Reply to this] 
Turner

 
A-fucking-men. I'm in the same place. I know it will pass, and thats the part that kills me the most. "Why do I have to be like this?! GODAMMIT!" But meh, I have some good friends, and if I can get some work done without my client killing me, I'll be fine financially, and if I clear my mind a little and maybe get away for a while, I should be refreshed enough to keep working on music.

Best of luck to you Matt, looking forward to the new shit. :)

 
Posted by Turner on Tuesday, August 25, 2009 - 3:55 PM
[Reply to this] 
CAUSTIC

 
Thanks man.  I don't write this shit for sympathy, but to hopefully SHOW some as I know a lot of people just bottle this shit and feel horribly alone and, well, it doesn't have to be that way.

You'll still feel alone, but there's a lot of us alone out there, y'know?:)

And best of luck to you too, y0.
 
Posted by CAUSTIC on Tuesday, August 25, 2009 - 3:56 PM
[Reply to this] 
White Shadow (New Song Up!)

 
The "freakin' slump" stage is the worst, I think. I'm just now getting out of one. For the past four weeks I've been re-recording and re-mixing our upcoming single, and it got so frustrating that more often than not I wouldn't even have the drive to work on it for more than an hour or so.

It's a shame to hear that the CD is getting shelved, but it's definitely better to wait for the mojo to return than it is to burn out trying to get a piece of work out that you're not satisfied with. Take time off and enjoy some booze, then come back to it after you've recharged!

 
Posted by White Shadow (New Song Up!) on Tuesday, August 25, 2009 - 4:46 PM
[Reply to this] 
CAUSTIC

 
Well "shelved" could mean a week or a month.  No idea til I can actually start doing it again.

And in some ways it's good in that it'll give me perspective.  In other ways it bloooooooowwwwws:)
 
Posted by CAUSTIC on Tuesday, August 25, 2009 - 4:46 PM
[Reply to this] 
CReepINgthinGE

 
I can relate very well to this Sir. I haven't been able to make a song in over a year.
 Outside influences and internal struggles are a two edged sword. They drive us to create as much as hold us back. Couple that with nagging self criticisms and a desire to perfect your sound and too often musicians can find themselves paralyzed.

 
Posted by CReepINgthinGE on Tuesday, August 25, 2009 - 9:10 PM
[Reply to this] 
XYKOGEN

 
Man, it's impressive that you can see beyond your current state into the magical misty future when things'll be ok again... when I get that way the *worst* thing is not being able to imagine how it can all work out alright in the end. Which is of course bullshit because - at least up until now - every time it has worked out ok, sooner or later. And I have a lot of friends who get the same way... don't we all, I guess...

Anyways, just thought I'd say more power to you man, cool attitude, and you spread it around which helps others too. Bonus Punk points   ;-)

- Amon



 
Posted by XYKOGEN on Monday, August 31, 2009 - 8:30 PM
[Reply to this] 
(x_=).m

 
*crosses toes*
 
Posted by (x_=).m on Tuesday, September 01, 2009 - 3:50 PM
[Reply to this]