so, it has recently come to my attention that i am human. i spent the whole summer and first semester of school numb to everything emotional, numb to everything relational, and numb to God. But i was reminded recently that i have a heart, that feels more than just the pumping of blood, it feels pain. i found out that there is a certain kind of pain that comes when you realize that life isn't simple, not everything comes easy, and you can't be everything that everyone wants you to be. This hit me like a brick right in my mouth. BUT, it's also beautiful to know that i am not completely numb to everything, sure it hurts like an open wound, but it's good to know that i am bleeding. Okay, i dont know if that will make sense to anyone, but it makes sense to me.

All this to say that i am alive. Sure, you go through situations that absolutely stink, and you wish you were a thousand miles from everyone you have to see every day. but things work out, and there is always time. i'm still a child, but growing up is coming soon, and that scares the crap out of me, at the same time i can't wait. here's some lyrics to a new song that i have been working on, hopefully it does a better job of explaining the way that i feel right now. I'm a little nervous to sing it to people because i tried to be as honest as possible with myself. anyway here it is.

there comes a point when every boy wants to be a man/ when he drops his old dependence to start again/so i'm leaving pennsylvania's air and colorado's skyline/for dreams of somewhere i have never been/ it's a brand new feeling when you give yourself away/when you forget who you are so someone else will stay/ and its not like i wanted to spend all my time backing down/but there's things unsaid and nothing i can say/

this is a new confusion/ but everyone's gotta grow up someday/

wish you were here when it all came crashing in/ when i started losing sleep at 4 am/ and i gave up drinking long before the first day that i started/ because i always thought of numbness as a sin/ well, the future's bright and it's all that i can see/ but maybe it's a bright light burning me/ so i lay my head back down, remember the peace of God is comfort/ but it's hard when i'm the only one who speaks/

4 months till 21, well maybe thats when it hits you/ maybe thats the day you finally turn around/ and everything i've done, is everything i never gave you/ maybe thats the day i got turned down/

well it cuts like a knife when you let your heart go/ and it comes back so much different than you thought you could have known/ so what am i supposed to do but wait on time/ and maybe someday soon i'll find my home/

this is a new elusion/but everyones gotta grow up someday/ and i'm a boy thats growing up today/

TIM BRUNS