Finding One's Self

Recently, while on a trip, I was contemplating my life and how far I have come.  I thought of my old high-school classmates and where they were in their lives or at least the few I knew of.  Considering myself to be far behind many of them, I tried to reconcile the perceived differences.  I mean I always tested well in high-school, so why am I at age 37 just starting to look at making my own business and buying a home when some already have 200 acre ranches?  Why am I just now going back to college to get my degree when some have been doctors for years?  The answer I came up with was that I spent many years trying to find myself. 

The meaning of Finding Ones Self

When I thought back to my late teens and early twenties, which are the times that many people put the most work into their future, I remember falling in and out of love, working 92 hours a week to help a close friend, only to have him backstab me, loosing ALL my friends, being abandoned by my mother (single-parent family), dropping out of college, getting addicted to drugs and finally joining the military.  All this stuff happened between the ages of 16 and 19.  It was an absolute chaos. 
            These last few years were not a series of bad luck.  They were just the worst years of a timeframe that is identified as my childhood.  Meaning that there was plenty of trauma and discord from the previous years, they were just spread out a bit more. 
            I am not complaining or whining about it because I realize that I am not the only person who had to deal with difficulty.  What I am pointing out is that throughout my childhood, I never really had the chance to get to know who I am.  I did find out some things; like I know that I love science but I never really found out which part.  I love music, but I never had the chance to pursue it.  I love art, but I never had the chance to explore it. 
            There are other things about me that I didnt know.  Am I willing to stand up for people or things to do what is right?  Do I consider taking care of myself more or less important than taking care of society?  Do I think that I know enough to decide how others should live or do I feel that each should live to their own plan? There are lots of questions that make up an individuals basic character that I never had the chance to think about and incorporate into my life.  It is quite impossible to be principled if one doesnt have or know any principles to stand on.
            The other major part of finding ones self is self-validation.  You often hear this word when people talk about the bleeding-hearts on Oprah or some other TV talk show.  Simply, self-validation is the process of restoring and reinforcing the sense of self-worth, meaning of life, and personal identity and competence.  This is accomplished through a series of activities and interactions with the nature and people.  It defines who you are.  Once you have this, you have a starting point to progressing through life. 

Point of Failure

Looking back at my history, it appears that I have wasted a lot of time.  While others were moving forward in life, I was standing still.  Such a waste, or was it?
            I have spent the last 18 years of my life not only surviving, but finding myself.  Finding out who I am.  I am a geek.  I love physics and math.  I love lots of types of music.  I tend to love more folk music and steer away from processed music like Rap and Pop.  I cannot stand abstract art, but love Boris Valejo and Frank Frazzeta. 
            More importantly I have had a chance to consider right and wrong.  I know that I believe in God but not the Christian, Muslim or Buddhist ones.  I do feel violence is an appropriate response to situations where social agreements are broken or not followed.  (If you want to know the reasoning, just ask.)  I know that there are people who love me, hate me and those who could care less about me.  I know that no matter what there are people I can trust and count on.  I have principles to follow.
            The reason I am where I am in life is because I am just now getting to the point where I know who I am.  If I had grown up in an environment that allowed me to accomplish most of this during my childhood then I may be further along than I am but I didnt and I am currently here. 

This is a Common Issue

When I look at this idea and compare it to many of the people I have seen in my life, it makes sense. 

        Why would a kid who had every opportunity never amount to anything? 

o       Because he was always occupied mentally with entertainment and distraction and never had to contemplate himself.  Odds are that his parents are the same.

        Why does society seem to be getting more and more corrupt?

o       Because since the invention of TV and movies, we spend more time mentally going to other worlds and less time thinking about ours.  We, as a society, never develop principles that we would be willing to stand up for.

I could go on and on, but the fact that is Knowing Ones Self is a level of maturity that only comes through expending energy to deal with struggle or pressure.  It comes from taking the time to sit in a room without distraction to think your way through a problem.  It comes from sitting down and deciding for yourself what is right and wrong instead of listening to another human tell you and accepting it without question.  It comes from taking a chance and failing. 
            The parents who know how to let their children discover who they are and take the time to help them do it end up with the children who are well on the path of progress in life when they are in their late twenties.  They give their children an intangible advantage.  The rest of us have to do it on our own if ever at all.

Where To From Here?

            For me personally, knowing who I am has opened up the doors on life.  One issue it solved for me was that I could never figure out what I wanted to do for a living.  My ideas always seemed pie-in-the-sky ideas.  I want to be an engineer, a physicist, a scientist, a research doctor; all seemed to be lofty goals.  What if I failed? 

            I now know that ordinary people do these jobs.   Right now I am working towards being an engineer.  During that process I will have to take some serious math.  If I really love it, I may switch to mathematician.  I will also have to take several physics classes.  If I love it, I may switch to physicist.  So far in college I have 40 credit hours with a 4.0 GPA.  I have taken on this challenge and succeeded.  Even if I do fail, I know failure is only a step towards success.  I know that I LOVE to solve puzzles that others can not solve.  Unknown knowledge intrigues me greatly.  All of these jobs have that aspect to them.  The self assurance I have gotten from applying myself to college makes me feel that they are attainable. 

            This is only one aspect of my life but knowing myself has made a difficult decision easier by giving me the confidence to start moving toward that goal even thought it may seem lofty. 

Why Write This?

            The main reason I wrote this is because it helps me solidify the logic of the idea I had in my head.  Seeing it on paper and the act of writing it makes me connect the dots better.  It helps me figure out if I am full of crap or have a valid idea.

            The reason I am posting it online is because I know many, many people who seem stuck in life.  They seem to be going in circles.  They can't figure out why they chose the same personality types at mates.  They can't figure out why they cant seem to get ahead in life.  The main reason is because they don't know where they are going.   The reason they don't know where they are going is because they don't know where they want to go.  They just know that it is not where they are at.  In order to make any plan to get someplace, you must know where you are at.  If you don't know where you are at, you cannot make a plan.