Okay, I don't really own very much – I've never been one for consumerism, buying for the sake of buying all that jazz – those of you who know me know I value experience over possessions anyday.  Having said that, there is one thing that I would like to have soul ownership of, and as I was born with it and hope to take care of it until the day I die…

My body.

However, the government seem to think otherwise and for years and years have been interfering with what I can and can't do with my own body.  Which I think is a fucking disgrace (the situation that is, not my body). 

Now, here's a simple rule that encompasses what I feel about this – you should be able to do ANYTHING you like to yourself as long as it does not impede the freedom, quality of life or health of another human being.  But we are not.

I CAN'T TAKE DRUGS

Apparently, drugs are generally bad for our health and they ruin people's lives.  This is true.  It is also true that stabbing ourselves in the face with a rusty nail is generally bad our health and falling in love with the wrong person ruins people's lives.

They are not illegal. 

Whereas drugs, for some nutty-arsed reason, are.  I've already saturated the argument of why drugs should be legalised time and time again, and nobody so far has ever been able to raise a sustained and logical argument in favour of the status quo.  It comes down to this – I OWN MY BODY AND I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO FUCK IT UP AS MUCH AS I WANT.  IT'S MINE!

I CAN'T WHACK OFF TO WHATEVER I WANT

Well, we can – we have a little thing called The Internet, but there is a guy in London whose job it is to watch every single porn flick that goes on sale in every grumble shop in the country and make sure it does not contain 'inappropriate' sexual behaviour, based on a list invented by some government quango.  Apparently, pissing on each other is beyond the pale, so that's most German bongo vids flung off the shelf and into the bin.

More interestingly, they regard female ejaculation as pissing and ban it outright as well.  Set me straight on this, but does this mean they would like to take a sample during filming, if it squirts and it's ejaculate, it can stay, if it squirts and it's piss, it can hit the editing room floor?  All looks the same to me…

Anyway, the point is, I AM AN ADULT and as long as nobody is really getting hurt or abused in any way – why can't I watch, well, ANYTHING?  My body, my willy, I should have the right to whack off to whatever depraved shit takes my fancy from one day to the next.

I CAN'T WALK AROUND IN THE NACK

Now, obviously there are concerns here as to what constitutes sexual and non-sexual nudity, but at the end of the day, if you want an all-over tan, the only place you're going to get it in this country is in a sunbed place or a nudie beach.  However, in more enlightened countries (like Denmark) you can't walk through a city park on a sunny day without being confronted with a multitude of bappage.  Hurrah!

To be perfectly honest the fact that wearing the suit god gave me for my birthday is illegal is downright bizarre.  Our Greco/Roman/Pagan ancestors would be mortified at our prudishness.  Once again, it's my body, and as long as it isn't causing anybody physical discomfort, how is my todger more offensive than some smelly fat bloke who is diabolically ugly sitting opposite you on the train?

I CAN'T BE A PROSTITUTE

Seriously, why the fuck not?  If I want to give a stranger a handjob for a quick fiver WHY CAN'T I?  It's MY body, and as long as it is not being bought or sold against my will, I should be able to nosh off as many high court judges as I like in return for some readies.  What the goat-diddling fuck has it got to do with Gordon fucking Brown?  IT'S MY CHOICE!!

I CAN'T BE PUT OUT OF MY MISERY

This one is quite close to home and something that I find utterly barbaric – if my pet dog was in pain and going to die anyway, the vet can legally put it to sleep. 

I, however, am not so lucky, and unless I scoot off to Switzerland, if I get a terminal wasting disease I have to (under UK law) BE TORTURED FOR UP TO TEN YEARS… and then die anyway.  As my mum's mate Liz was, slowly dying of Multiple Sclerosis for a decade, numerous unsuccessful suicide attempts, hating every last moment of her life as she lost the ability to write, to walk, to talk, to shit, to do pretty much anything… the pain she went through doesn't bear thinking about.  And you think Guantanamo Bay is a bad rap!  TORTURE.  On the NHS.  Nice one.

Once again, my body, my property to dispose of as I see fit (and dignified) but no, there are LAWS.  Laws which prevent me from having the freedom to use and abuse my body as I see fit.  Laws which are, by and large, barbaric and idiotic.  Laws which HAVE TO GO.  The time for this nannying bronze-age morality is over.  I'm sick of it.

Graham has never taken drugs, doesn't get off on Scheiße porn, isn't a nudist, is not terminally ill and has never been a prostitute.  He would just like to know those options are available.