I would like to officially apologize to all the people I wronged at Bonnaroo:

1) The old man working the corndog stand with the trippy puppet. I should not have slapped the puppet. But you should not have asked if the puppet could rub aloe on my sunburn.

2) The passed-out couple under the shady tree. I am the one who painted a wizard scene on your underparts. You will find it in several days when you shower next.

3) Willie Nelson. You were right. Cops don't laugh when I say, 'Hey Willie Nelson just called you a bunch of pussies."

4) The good folks at the medical tent. My mistake. The concert was NOT being attacked by rats with lasers for teeth.

5) Kanye. I hid some poop on your tour bus because I got mad you went on so late. It's behind the mini fridge.