Yep - I've been updating you on my world weeklyish for a full year now. So I thought I had the right to do an obligatory compilation blog. And I hear you asking, can you even do that? Can you do that with a blog?
Well yes. Yes I can.
In my world kids would grow up understanding the value of money. Where we used to scrimp and save for months as kids to afford the simplest thing from the neighbourhood drug dealer, the Government is now subsidising amphetamines for hyperactive children as early as preschool. I know that they've been looking for a way to get the dealers out of the playground - but I didn't think the ideal solution was giving them an office on campus. Surely the phrase "hyperactive preschooler" is a tautology anyway - yes, they're loud and boisterous - but rather than sedating them through to adulthood maybe you should just stop giving the fatty boombaladas so much sugar. You know what I prescribe? An apple. And that's the fruit, not the celebrity offspring. Really though - preschool? I mean what's next? ADD diagnosis by ultrasound? It used to be cute when a pregnant woman could feel the baby kick, now it's a signal that the fetus needs a a medicare card and a ritalin prescription. In my world, smacking a child wouldn't involve finding a vein.
In my world tofu would come from a rectangular animal of the same name. It would run around in paddocks with sheep and other livestock while making it's distinctive mating call: "blaaa-aaand", "blaaa-aaand". Vegetarians would be forced to hunt and kill them armed only with asparagus spears.
In my world people would lay off doctors for having illegible writing. If i could prescribe myself drugs, you wouldn't be able to read my handwriting either. In fact - if I was your medical professional, you'd be lucky if your prescription wasn't a hand drawn sketch of a pirate fighting a ninja.
In my world North Korea would not test missiles and claim it was for "safety reasons" - you know what would make people safer? Not firing missiles at them. If North Korea isn't careful they will become the subject of another US peace keeping operation - where the US goes to a a country, blows it to pieces, and then keeps the pieces. That's piece-keeping Bush style.
In my world girls in bars would ensure that their drinks weren't spiked - by BUYING THEIR OWN drinks. If you stopped walking up to strangers and asking for financial assistance it would also have the pleasant side effect of differentiating you from the average beggar on the street (or the average prostitute - depending on how obligated you feel to screw the guy by the end of the night).
In my world pretty nurses would not be allowed to take samples at std clinics. It doesn't matter how careful you have been sexually or how squeaky clean you think the results are going to come back - it's hard to come across as date material while she is testing you for syphilus. Even the most magical love at first sight type of moment loses some of it's romance factor at the point where you hand her a jar of your piss, and while girls love to have a quirky "you'll never guess how we met" anecdote, the "I was testing his urine for chlamydia" story isn't one of them.
In my world I would be able to find the page of the sedition laws that gave pharmacists the right to interrogate the sick. I want to be able to purchase cold and flu tablets without having to convince some failed doctor that the phlegm that I am visibly leaking from my facial orifices is a symptom of illness and not an elaborate disguise. You want to know why I think you should stop asking me questions and give me the tablets? Because you work in a pharmacy, not a spy agency run by the Government. I'm convinced that lately when people have robbed chemists for amphetamines they weren't even making speed - they were just sick people that felt that pistol whipping a pharmacist was a less invasive way of procuring their medication. I'm actually considering setting up a backyard lab in which I can convert speed back to cold and flu tablets just because my dealer is friendlier and easier to deal with - and he's in the mob.
In my world the Nobel Prize for this year would go to the group of Japanese scientists who just killed sixty whales to make the groundbreaking discovery that "whales eat fish". That's like Ivan Milatt claiming that he only killed those backpackers to check the menu at the local truckstop. A three year old child could see what this was - a commercial whaling operation more thinly veiled than a muslim after a bali drug trial. Yes Michelle - that was a dig at you.
See, the cultural difference is this - when a whale beaches itself in Australia people run out onto the beach with hoses and wet towels. When a whale beaches itself in Japan they run out there with cutlery. And I know some of you are saying "Kai, that really isn't fair". And I'm sorry - you are right. They wouldn't have cutlery - they would have chopsticks. They would run down there with a shitload of wasabi - and chopsticks. Now that is fair - and I will continue to maintain this opinion until these people learn the difference between an ocean and a sushi train.
In my world the word "rank" would describe the place where taxis wait, not the stench emanating from the driver's armpits. If I can smell you out the front of my house before you beep your horn, it's time for you to take a break and a shower. That little air freshener hanging from the rear vision mirror is not a substitute for deodorant - if I wanted to be in a place that smelt like a mix between pine trees and body odour, I'd be at a greenpeace rally.
In my world fat people would not get pallbearers when they die. I already have to look at your lunchbox arse while you eat your way to a heart attack, I refuse to carry it once you get there. You can't make me do exercise just because you didn't.
That's my world.