You're just too good to be true. So for the past three months of our relationship, I've been waiting for that other shoe to drop. Little did I realize it would rain footwear as if somebody had ransacked Imelda Marcos' closet. (I know this is an outdated reference, and if you were truly twenty-nine, it would be lost on you. But I've seen your birth certificate and a fifty-something would get it.)

Turns out you were not the rich man you told me you were. I wondered why we only spent the weekends at my one bedroom apartment and not the luxurious Beverly Hills mansion you claimed to own. According to the private detective I hired, you rent a room from an elderly couple in Van Nuys.

You do not drive a Kia because your BMW is in the shop, you drive a Kia because that's the car you're currently leasing. Though according to your credit report, if you miss another payment, it will be repossessed. And you're in so much debt, your heirs will be settling your accounts long after you die.

Though you won't be having any of those. Your medical records declared you sterile. So much for those promises of settling down with me and raising a family. And you should have told me about your triple bypass before I prepared you my famous pulled-pork sandwich.

I should have suspected you were not an actor when I couldn't find you on IMBD. Though Google turned up a few police reports concerning you and lewd behavior, I assumed it was a different Boris Rayhourne.

Turns out you work at the local Jack-in-the-Box. My friend Sharon said she saw you there. AND you got her order wrong.

Your hairdresser also informs me that you are not a natural blond. And your dentist is certain you do not floss after every meal as you claim. Don't even get me started on what your optometrist had to say. 20/20 vision my ass. And color blind, too? So much for you compliments about me looking good in blue.

The past three months were nothing but a great big lie. You may have had me fooled, but no longer.

I'll give you one more chance, but you have to promise to tell the truth this time. No more lies.

OK?