So I run this site off Wordpress, which is an excellent blogging format. Behind the scenes here at lukewright.co.uk I have loads of plug-ins and extras that make maintaining my own website a joy. One of the extras is a little dialogue blog that lists other blogs that are linking to mine. Normally it’s just sites that are listing me for forthcoming gigs and it isn’t very interesting, but occasionally you get another blog with someone commenting on a poem or a gig (someone printed my Channel 4 poem in response to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Christmas speech, which amused me).

One day before Christmas I logged into my site to see a new listing in this dialogue box, from a blog called fiend1981, I clicked through and found a post that seemed to be about John Cooper Clarke. The blogger was waxing lyrical about the bard of Salford’s second album, Snap Crackle and Bop. Ah, a like minded individual I thought and read on.

The blogger concluded that the album had changed his mind about performance poetry, which he had only ever regarded with contempt, adding:

“I shared a William Blake seminar eight years ago with this self-assured cockend - www.lukewright.co.uk”

I never even did a William Blake seminar. And surely eight years is a long time to be carrying that kind of resentment around with you. And he’d clearly googled me to find my website. Is that his hobby: “oh, who’s that guy I hated in my English class eight years ago, best Google him, cos that’s a great use of my time.”

I had no idea who the blogger was, though reading through the blog I managed to find out that he was:

a) working as temp for Norwich Union;
b) had gone back to university part time;
c) had at some point been a teacher but had given it up.

I also discovered that all he talks about is how shit the NME is (it’s for children, stop reading it) and how he likes to listen to music on aac format rather than drm free mp3. I mean, truly it was fascinating stuff. Eventually I managed to find a name (nothing is private). The chap’s called Steve Fiendley. Yes, Fiendley. And he was a teacher. Mr Fiendley! That’s the best teacher name ever.
- Who gave you detention, boy?
- Why sir, it was Mr Fiendley, he caught me with a copy of the NME.

Ahh, Steve Fiendley, you angry man, why did you take against me so much? Why wait till now to tell the world? Oh Steve, we could have had something!

But not now. I’m very sensitive.

So I told John Cooper Clarke about Steve Fiendley the following week at the gig we were doing together. Dismayed at the actions of one of his fans Johnny recorded a short video message to Steve Fiendley.

..

We laughed about it on the night, got drunk and I forgot about it all. That is, until last week when I noticed the blog listed on the dialogue blog again and the deceit of Fiendley and his love of the aac format came back to me.

I went onto his blog and posted the following message:

Dear Steve,

I don’t remember our William Blake seminars but I apologise if my self-assurance ruined them for you. Below is a message from John Cooper Clarke. Best of luck with it all.

Luke.x

Then I imbedded Johnny’s message below.

A few days later I went back and found that he had deleted his entire blog! I feel really bad. Steve, if you’re our there (grinding your teeth and swearing at the monitor) come back. I’m sure there are people out there who want to read about the advantages of the aac format, after all, it occupy less space on your ipod (or other mp3 player). You didn’t have to delete your whole blog and livejournal profile, I was just playing.

And really Steve Fiendly wins, because by turning this episode into a self-congratulatory blog I do come across as a bit of a self-assured cockend. Maybe I’ll podcast it - in aac format, of course.