Ok this is part one of my tour diary...i have only been here two days and i have already written like 7 pages in my diary. Hers the lowdown:

A friend of mine, Bas planned to do a liviing room tour of the US. This means asking anyone he knows on myspace or whatever and asking them if they want him to play in their houses. People said yes. He asked me to come too. I said yes. Here is the first few moments.......

7th April

Disorganised morning. My usual. Panicked blank mind, do i need this?, have i got those?. Just leave...what i havnt got i will have to do without.

Check in. Made simple and sweetened with sugar, helps when dealing with powder faced adolescent girls. All of which are slightly sexual. Our guitars will have to go the luggage separately, i kiss her (guitar) and wave goodbye. ’See you on the other side’ . Departure lounge....

Both sandwiches toasted please. Table 21. Bas’ phone glued to his ear, spreading some love before he leaves. Boarded for boredom. 7 hours of nothin g ensues...3 films all become one fanciful flair of fickle falses. One flight lady makes us smile and thanks us for ’being awesome’, truly this is an american experience. Have we arrived? 7 hours in a long room. Did we really go anywhere?

Immigration was simple after they raped my DNA and gene pool via my virgin fingertips.

First taxi ride through New York. Lights, cars, tolls. Very much home from home so far. Driver hardly talks apart from requesting the fair and singing to his CD. The guest house is great... my ’mezzanine bunk’ bed is comfortable and elevated.

We ask for directions to ’places’, we get brilliant noodle soup, which i apologise for not finishing, and our first beer. I manage to make sense of the subway trains, which makes me feel cosmopolitan and ready for the world.

23:30 Enter McGee’s. Pseudo Irish man serves us 2 Samuel Adams. Our second beer in the US.Tastyu. Always thirsty for more. Loud sports on a millions screens of verying sizes and success’. An interview with a losing manager of basketball team last a lifetime. His expression says it all. No questions you can ask will be answered more articulately than the look on his face. Another beer. More conversation, home to bed, read. Dark Now.

9th April (time is lost by time zone)

Early morning. The ’Bas machine’ requires constant fuel so i am informed...i join him for ’second breakfast’. Back at hotel we work on rehearsing songs together. My ability to learn vocal parts are questionable. After some ’me time’ in the loo i emerge victorious and capable, zooming through the song. We stay long after check out time in our room playing and singing at the behest of our inn keeper: a friendly somewhat ’old school’ bohemian. His lifstyle includes ’sex art books’, new age woodern masks mounted on walls and elderly couples practising ballroom dancing in his living room. All this ia achieved with the addition of a bluetooth headset. But a very welcoming and sweet guy.

Being in New York made my stomach hurt... this was mostly due to the added meat and fat content that is ten fold my normal amount of both or either. With this in mind we go for lunch. I spy a diner with my ’hustle & bustle’ radar. Unfortunatley it was clearly malfunctioning, it took us to the ’Stardust’. Essentially a hive of villainous performing arts students who all wanted to be Shirley Temple or Doris Day, as staff. Bas is very excited by all this and as far as i can see cant contain his excitement, it is shown to me in the form of ’yipping’, ’woos’ and even the evil deed of flirting somewhat with ’miss Shuki’, a tree trunk legged harlet waitress with the grace of my inner thigh after an intense rash. Smooth. We both eat what is basically choleserol arranged on a plate, served to us by ’Mr Showtunes Capital of the World’. With root beer too.

I have to go as i am being thrown out of the library...they are at capacity...will contact again soon! bye bye

xxxx