If you're like me, you like to eat salsa. If you're even more like me, you enjoy Tostitos Hint of Lime chips with your salsa. If you're even more like me than that, you preferred Tostitos Restaurant Style Salsa with your Hint of Lime chips. If you're more like me than that even, the only salsa you can buy in a store that is worth eating was Tostitos Restaurant Style salsa, and you are extremely and bitterly disappointed in the fact that the product has been discontinued. If somehow you are more like me than that, you are all that crap above about the chips and salsa and you are really starting to freak me out. Anyway, I would like everyone to write in letters to Frito-Lay in Texas and ask that they start making the salsa again. I miss the Tostitos Restaurant Style! It was the best! Yes, you have to do it old-school and paper mail them. It will be fun pretending it's the early 90s again! I don't know why, but that's just how they roll down there (it's Texas, are you really that surprised?). Besides my letter below, I have taken the liberty of composing a couple more that follow that you can copy-and-paste and fire off as your own, if you'd like, or you can compose an original and send it in. After you do, post it here. Let's get the salsa back! Fight the power!

Frito-Lay
P.O. Box 660634
Dallas, TX 75266-0634


To Whom it May Concern:

I am a loyal Frito-Lay consumer. Scarcely a week goes by in which I do not indulge myself in some type of tasty Frito-Lay snack. It could be Rold Gold Pretzels, Baked Lay's, Sun Chips, Tostitos (Hint of Lime), or even Flamin' Hot! Munchies, depending on my mood. The point is this: when it comes to snacking, I am a bit of a loose cannon. In fact, the only essential item which continually graced the various door compartment areas of my refrigerator was Tostitos Restaurant Style Salsa. For me, and virtually anyone I've ever had a conversation about salsa with, this was, without question, the best salsa that could be purchased in a store. Although this may sound like perhaps not a great amount of people, and thus not worthy of your attention, the simple fact is that I have discussed salsa with essentially everyone I know or have even had minimal contact with. I would ask that you not enjoin me to elaborate, as the facts of the matter are quite embarrassing to not only myself but to my salsa-loving compatriots, and may in fact involve some legal issues, but suffice it to state that when you deal with the minutiae of other people's lives as much as I, you find yourself with a wealth of knowledge about one's salsa habits. Ergo, I can confidently state that among the hoi-polloi and hoity-toity alike, your salsa was incredibly well-received. Several of my associates even confessed to as much as a three-bottle-a-week habit. This was, of course, before the product was suddenly, rudely, petulantly, impetuously and ill-advisedly discontinued. Given the propensity of the public, at least in my anecdotal view, to purchase this salsa, I would conclude that perhaps the problem was not with sales but rather some type of ingredient-sourcing issue (even though the ingredients are quite common). To that I say this: pish-posh and poopy pants on you. It doesn't matter if you won't make money on the salsa. Rather, you should pay attention to your loyal customers and make the salsa regardless, even in the face of a smaller margin or even a loss. If you offered a reasonable substitute, the salsa-eating public may not be in such a state of agitation about this situation. The simple fact is that the alternative product you produce is crap. It tastes as if it has been on the shelf for years and could possibly be used to clean jewelry or remove corrosion from chrome bumpers. There are such simple joys to experience in life: a walk on the first warm, sunny day of Spring, the sight of a glorious sunset, witnessing the birth of one's child (from certain sensible angles, that is), relaxing on a beach listening to only the sound of the gentle waves as they continue their unhurried mission of erosion, firing up massive amounts of cold ones and spirits whilst the Sooners wreak havoc on the football gridiron, the enjoyment of a favorite salsa. Sadly, for Tostito's Restaurant Style Salsa fans everywhere, this dark night of our Epicurean soul may never end without a change in corporate policy. We ask that you begin production of the original recipe forthwith and without delay so as to abate and end this horrible nightmare of a world without our favorite salsa.

Sincerely,
Nate Fisher

Sample letter ..1:
Please bring back your old restaurant-style salsa, the kind in the piss-proof jars. I know they must have been piss-proof because the crap you are selling now in the new design is clearly not since somebody keeps pissing in every jar I buy. I don't know if it's somebody at your factory or a truck driver or a stockboy but someone in the distribution chain is clearly pissing in it. Please bring back the restaurant-style salsa that doesn't taste like piss.

Sample letter ..2:
I am writing to request the reappearance of retaurant-style salsa on my grocery store shelf. For me, that salsa was the best of both worlds. It was not too expensive and it tasted fandamntastic. The only thing I can find that comes close is archer farms organic hot salsa, and it is on the pricey side, and it doesn't even taste as good. Besides that, it's way hot and gives you an unpleasant burning sensation in your mouth for days. I'm not sure how appropriate it is to make a hooker reference, but buying your salsa was like paying for the 20-dollar whore but getting the 2-large treatment. Buying the archer farms is like paying the $2k but getting a twenty-bone bone and burning sensation during urination. I ask you to put the old restaurant-style salsa back on the shelves before we're all screwed - literally!

OK that's it -thanks for everyone that will write in and Godspeed!

UPDATE: I have received a reply from Frito-Lay. Here is the text of the letter:

"Thank you for taking the time to contact Frito-Lay. Your comments are important to us.

Our continued success depends on providing you with consistently great experiences and great - tasting snacks, so feedback like yours is greatly appreciated.

The product that you so passionately described to us in your letter, has, in fact been discontinued [sic]. However, we are bringing it back out starting in early April. It will be the same product under the label "Santitas". [sic] You should be able to find that in Walmart stores for a limited time only. We will be happy to pass along your wishes to keep this product available on the market..."

So there ya go. They sent me some bitchin' coupons too. Though I generally try to limit my Wal-Mart exposure, I have been there a couple times in the last month and still have yet to see the salsa. Hopefully it will appear soon and we can all stock up!