Dear Sir or Madam:

My name is Jonathan Hooper and I'm writing in reference to your posting on KeepGettingYourHopesUpOnlyToHaveThemDashedRepeatedly.com for a Project Manager. I believe I may be a fantastic candidate for the position. There are many reasons for this opinion, chief of which is the fact that I will promise not to break the coffeemaker or date the boss' daughter (unless she is not ugly). I have also never (successfully) ridden a horse.

My previous employment history, at a Swedish manufacturing company and others, has also endowed me with enviably large skillsets, many of which are certainly applicable to your needs. During my time at Gregory, Brady and Associates, I not only was able to foster the adoption of a new system of data analysis utilizing SPSS, I also succeeded in managing to not burn down any of the firm's property, despite innumerable opportunities to do so. I also led the way to a fashion-forward atmosphere through the use of the "Fun Hat Fridays" program, wherein I encouraged everyone to wear a particularly stylish and / or amusing hat. Soon, this spilled over into "Throwback Thursdays," where everyone wore an outfit from some past historical period. (Note: etiquette dictates that Roman gladiator helmets must be removed at lunch.) You may have already heard about "Wild & Whorish Wednesdays," although unfortunately I am not currently legally able to discuss that at this time. Additionally, my prior tenure at Ghostville Amusement Park saw me gaining experience in both data entry procedures and the eating of lunch. I also once saw Henry Winkler there, or at least a guy that looked remarkably similar.

Your post also refers to the need to project a "professional image." I am able to put your fears to rest on that point, as I have, or have access to, almost three suits.

Attached is my resume. I can be reached by telephone, email, AIM, Skype, MSN Messenger, Yahoo! Messenger, MySpace, or by yelling really loudly because I'm right outside hiding in your bushes and stalking you as well. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Johnny Hooper

P.S. I like your shoes.