i need to sooooo bad.
i need the light
i need a breath
i need.....
i need ....
i need .....
i need ....
i
I do not need.
I only should recognize
recognize and realign
realign myself in the areas of my life that have shifted out of place
out of place but not fallen
not fallen apart
not unfixable
not regretable.
i do not need
i want
I WANT
I WANT to be a better man
I want to give everything i am
I want to see tomorrow for the work that i do today
I want to love and laugh and feel special again
I WANT
i have many wants
many things in life that i dont have and wish to be in my possession.
many wants and only one need.
so yes i do need
that 1 need
that solitary craving
that singular thing
I need
I need.
I need to feel christ again
I need that love
I need that clarity
I need that vision
I need it more than life
i need it more than money
i need it more than you will ever know


I made a statement to a person sometime ago about that i wish that i could know what it is like to first experiece Christ from not having the background. from not growing up and having him next to me my whole life. I said that i felt a little jealous of not being as heartfelt about him as a newly saved individual. ive been saved since i was 12 hardly a time when a person knows what its like to need  forgiveness, love, clarity and vision for your life. in essence he's been old money to me. just there nothing special. and as i continue this road moving me further and further from him i now realize what its like on the other side. fortunately i was given my wish without losing or completely being left from his graces, but i was given enough rope to know i shouldnt be standing outside the umbrella in a pour down.

ive gotten a bit cocky. ive contemplated others actions and words with an arrogant self appreciating eye. " why would you say that", "if you only knew" "do you actually believe that" and i realize that, this manner of thinking is outside of the level im supposed to opperate on. how DARE i judge somebody elses faith. how dare i believe that christ to me is the same christ to you.
i appologize deeply because you dont know who you are and i honestly dont know who you are either but i feel the need to begin to say im sorry. im so sorry for the things that ive done and the actions ive allowed. im sorry for allowing my morals to slide and my decisions to be swayed when i KNOW they are wrong. ive allowed more than i ever thought possible. and now i say enough

the road WE have been going down isnt bring us up together
its not bringing us up at all.
we need to stop fighting
we need to end this pettiness
i shouldnt feel angry towards you
i shouldnt be hesitant towards talking to you
we should start over
i feel like for the last 6 months ive been holding my breath
we need to exhale.