Who am I?

Self discovery is a crazy thing. Sometimes it can be overwhelming to deal with, but I suppose it's the only way to be able to really "live." I'm someone who knows how to get what I want. Whether it be the clothes I wear and the prices I pay for them, or even talking teachers into giving me the grades I want, I guess I have the gift of persuasion. But in all the dressing up, dressing nice, and being temporarily satisfied with the results of me using my skills, so to speak, so much is masked.

Who am I?

I'm someone who needs to be loved. I'm someone who's always been sort of afraid to speak up. Because all growing up I felt as if my feelings or opinions didn't matter. Whenever I worked up enough courage to speak, I felt as if I would get shut down. Now when I do choose to speak, I'm afraid people will be hurt by what I have to say- if they listen at all. I feel like, with or without me, people's lives will go on just the same. Who do I really matter to? What's the point of being around people if I'm not making any difference in their lives, and in the end they'll go on like they never knew me?

Throughout life, I exhaust all I have- from finances to emotions, from physically to mentally, if I call you "friend," there's no limit to what I'll do. Perhaps the new word I would use would be loyal. Of course that's a good thing, but is it really? Since that has always been me, once people realize it, then comes being taken advantage of. I guess I've come to realize the reason I give and give and give until there's nothing left for me to give, is because I want the same thing in return. I'll be talked about, mistreated, and more, for the sake of someone valuing me. But in the end, once everything in me has been exhausted, I find myself depleted, having gotten nothing in return.

Who am I?

I'm someone who's hurt. I often wonder why friendships and relationships never last. I do everything I can, because I want to be loved, and then I get hurt, because all he/she ever did was take what I gave, and never returned the favor. I never do anything to get anything specific in return, but I take "treat others how you want to be treated" to another level. Then there are those who will know my story, know my pain and my past, attempt to push me to a greater level, but then take advantage of these weaknesses of mine, and hurt me in the same way others did. Where does that leave me? I'm left in the same place I ended up at the ending of every other friendship/relationship, this time more hurt than the last. At this point its like, what is in me that the same thing keeps happening? Why do I have such a need to be loved? People say those three words all the time, but I never actually feel it in return.

I don't want sympathy!

Anyone who knows me knows little about what really goes through my head, or about how I feel or go through. This is because I would rather lock myself up in a room and deal with it alone, than to get people involved, appear to be looking for sympathy, or crying for attention. But I'm at the point now, where perhaps expressing what's inside will help.

But anyway, who am I?

I've discovered I'm someone who doesn't know my self worth. Maybe this is why I do everything I can to prove I am genuine, in search for someone who will love me enough in return to not hurt me. Yeah this sounds pretty sad, but I am human. And contrary to this macho image people have given men, or we have given ourselves, feelings do still exist. I'm learning who I am, and it isn't that pretty of a picture, but hopefully it's a step towards freedom.

I go from one extreme to the next. How do I deal with hurt without putting up a wall a mile thick? How do I keep myself open, without opening myself up completely, to the point that I end up in the same place at the end of every friendship/relationship I believe will never end? When I come out of situations, I do one of the following. I will either push myself to the point of not caring about anything or anybody, to make sure my heart is completely guarded, but then I'm walking around with "I've been hurt, so leave me alone" written all over my face. Or I'll continue to stay open, and allow the same thing to happen again with the next person. If I don't do that, I'll continue to try to make sure a friendship or whatever it is, works because I don't want to walk away from something I have put so much into. But at the end of this, I'm still not over the hurt, because I'm still looking the person in the face, being constantly reminded- having lost all trust.

I guess now I'm trying to figure out where that middle ground is. Do I want to be completely shut down, so no one can get in? No, because this isn't a good feeling. Do I want to try to open up to people, and risk getting hurt again, which happens every time I do open up, NO!

So where does this leave me? Confused. Who am I? I'm someone who needs to be loved so much, that I do all I can- but have discovered this is a weakness, because when people realize it, they do nothing but take advantage of it- whether it be intentional or unintentional. Who am I? I'm someone who has a broken heart, in search for the answers to end the endless cycle. Who am I? I'm someone who doesn't know how valuable I really am, because all I seem to be is taken advantage of or mistreated. I'm someone who doesn't know how to find what I'm missing, in order to love myself enough, not to need love from anyone else. But how realistic is this? As much as we say we don't, we all need people.

I hear you, try God! Try God! Believe me, if I didn't know Him, I wouldn't be here today. He's the one I turn to, I confide in, the one who has never let me down. He's kept me sane through all of these situations. But at the same time, when I thought I was dealing with my issues, and becoming better as a result, I find myself 23, with 23 years of hurt, pain, and insecurities. I thank God for keeping me, but I'm ready to not just move on, but shift. Shift so that the cycle doesn't repeat. Yes He's faithful, Yes He loves me, but clearly there are some issues that have not been fixed.

Will they ever be?

I really do want to LIVE- in every aspect of the word.

It is possible, isn't it?

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