Hi ya Lindsay:

My take on this is that you can forgive, but you don't have to get back involved in the friendship.  It is best to move on when others have ignored or have gone outta the picture, especially after 9 yrs.  You can acknowledge the note from him or call or whatever, but just plain out say.. no interested in keeping in touch, best of luck to you.  That is what I'd do.  Who needs more crap in their life and why go looking for it. We all have enough in our own lives to keep us unhappy.  Might as well forget that friend. I'm sure you have a wonderful gang of friends.. so out with the old, in with the new!!! But forgiving is a lil bit of peace in your heart!!!

Thanx for sharing with us!! Take care Lindsay...

Forgive!  Life is MUCH too short to hold any kind of grudge, ill will or anything of the sort towards someone.  Take a chance and meet up with them...people do change.  If he/she is still the same person and you don't have the time or patience for that in your life, thank them for the night out and move on!  There is a chance you will always wonder "what if" unless you just bite the bullet and she what this person is all about now...hope this helps! 

Take care,

Briana

Hey Linds!

I had a similar situation a few years back.  I gave the second chance and was totally burned but there was no way of predicting it really.  And looking back I think I would have regretted not giving that second chance cause I would have had to live with a lot of what ifs.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that you never know unless you try but it won't always work for the better...small steps would be the best.

I hope this helps :)

Melissa

Do you write back and say ..." yeah...you were a dick, but that was 9 years ago..I've missed you..".....     OR    do you not even write back because you know that if you do,  it is possible to get dragged into their bullshit world and you run the risk of having to painfully part ways all over again....????

You said it . At 42 I have not found one past relationship to differ from here and now and to see that much has changed . I have run into ex's from my past that claim to want to remian friends however when they seen me they ignored me and turned away . Each individual that I have encountered has likewise done the same . In your situation because your a musician much of it could be your success or money . You can't let someone back in your life again thats been gone for 9 yrs now that your successfull . I would be leary and go with this with caution . I know you know this person better than all your fans . I also have friends that are musicains and they have used alot from past friendships . They see money and success and want to take that . You certianly don't need the drama of past hurts . I guess from experiance some jerks don't always change . Once a jerk always a jerk . Like a leopard there spots never change . We all have flaws apparently that friend had enough to sever  ties and perhaps it should stay that way .. this is only my opionion.

Honestly Id have to say depends on where your friend is at.. whether they have the time or the energy to be able to deal with him again.. If he hasn't grown enough in the past nine yrs to own up to his share in how the  problem began in the  first place chances are he hasn't changed much..:(

 Having said that: I am second chance type gal..Nine years ago however  you could take advantage of that  quality I like about myself...previously Id see a red flag. and think.."maybe they are having a bad day" despite previous bad behaviour and/ or choices.. nine yrs later if the behaviour continues and   I see  that  red flag.. and I say "luv ya.. buh byeeee!!!"  As ya said  no easy answers..I hope she makes the right  choice  for Her :)..thanx for sharing  huuugz C.

I'd have to meet up for tea and noodles myself.... just out of curiosity what's been going on for the past nine years.... could be interesting.. and if it feels right from there, keep in touch (the friendship going). Though meeting for tea and noodles doesnt mean there is a need for confession of "i've missed you" until the situation is assessed... with a comfort of a better understanding if the person to be met with is for real. To me, an immediate confession as such would leave the previously hurt person more open/vulnerable to the dick. No one should give any dick that pleasure.

Eh, well that's my opinion, sorry if it was harsh.

Forgiving someone is a always a good thing....unfortunately, it isn't always as easy to forget. I think one would have to go with their gut feeling on this one. Any hestitance is a sign that there are doubts things would be different a second time around. My gut would tell me ..yes, I need to be a big enough  person to say "I forgive you"...but also that I've moved on and don't feel the need to go back.

Kharma says forgiving would be the right thing to do.  It always is. 

Show business says: Always leave 'em wanting more.

So tell you friend to go for dinner, listen for a while & have the noodles.   Then she excuses herself, and walks out.  Leave him high & dry. 

That way, she forgives, leaves him wanting more AND  gets free noodles.

i really don't know.  i'd want to interrogate his motive... why now?  what does he need from this person?  or, over dinner, find out what events in the past 9 years have led him back to the doorstep he once shat on.  if he knows he was a dick - maybe he has some peace to be made... or maybe he is seeking identity... or could be just plain ol boredom... he could be playin her again...  either way, if she feels obligated to have dinner with him because of the career advance he afforded her??? - forbid it to be her OWN talent - then if she thinks highly of herself... then she shouldn't give into obligation...  BUT if she wants to approach him in a position of self-sufficiancy... something that speaks STRENGTH.... so that he and she are reminded of her talent... then maybe that is an experience she needs as well... it is just HARD to TELL.

night-night

My advice is very dependent upon the type of person this guy is or has turned out to be.  I have a similar situation but I was the dick in the situation.  I recently found a person that I just stopped talking to here on MySpace.  She has accepted my apology and we have been talking like nothing happened.  I made sure when I apologized that I explained my reasons for what I did but I didn't chalk them up as excuses.  I realize there is no excuse for what I did.  I guess you just need to figure out if this guy is genuinely sorry.  Only your heart and instinct can tell you that.  Also, it never hurts to keep a bit of a guard up at first if you are afraid of getting hurt again.  If this guy has repeatedly abused your friendship and the chances you have given him maybe it is better not to get involved in a further friendship but people really do change.  You just need to figure out if this guy has changed and if he has is it for the better or for the worst.  Dig deep in your heart and you will find the answer.  Your emotions will tell you what you want but your head will help you put it all together logically.  Walk softly with this friendship and you will find the truth.

~Natalie

Hey LJ,

You know, I have always believed in second chances until I had a similar situation with an ex recently...  We had an ugly break up 6 years ago, she found out I was freshly single and persued me... yet again.    I got the email "I hope there is no bad blood between us... blah,blah" I figured, ok... forgive and move forward,  what's the harm in being friends, I mean things couldn't get worse... Boi was I wrong!!  We tried being friends the past 2 years and it was very strenuous... She was constantly harping on me... talking about my choice of girl friends and attempting to run them off...  super jealous of EVERYONE... drunk texts... MySpace stalking (lol) simply drama!  I began feeling like our friendship was a burden.  I felt like the she was weighing me down and I didn't know how to escape... until one day... I had a revelation! That "Friend" is derived from the word "free." A friend is someone who allows us the space and freedom to be...  Since than my life has been peaceful, I feel the weight lifted, I feel my spirit rejuvenated... I can truly say I have given my all, and that this relationship just wasn't meant to be.  

"You can never lose by loving... But you will always lose by holding back."

~The MooN~

Dam Girl you've got some timing.

Any how you never forget and forgiveness is only for those who deserve it. You should never feel obligated to forgive soemone! Many things are just not forgivable. Thats not nice to know and it's not nice to live with ! But I believe it is far better to not forgive than it is to forgive and get burned twice. Remember there's a certain kind of cat that doesn't change it's spots, But people change all kinds of things to get what they want from other people.

Hey LJ,

It sounds like you have already gotten plenty of helpful insight here. I just wanted to add that sometimes having closure in these situations can be very healing. I would tell your friend to converse with this person but remain a tad cautious about how far to let them back in. Usually, no matter what someone is saying, their true colors eventually emerge. Ya know?

Best wishes,

Ave

Okay so how weird it is to have you write that blog... I was not raised by my "real" parents.  I was raised by my Great Aunt and Uncle.  My mom and dad were never around.  I had not spoken to my dad for about 13 years... I am 25 now.  Before the last time we spoke, it had been 5 years prior to that.  I had harbored many hateful feelings towards him and my mom.  Still have a few issues but, in the grand scheme of things, I have had a great life and can't imagine what or where I would be if I was raised by either of them.  My mom has been in and out of the picture off and on.  My dad on the other hand, we have had no clue where he was or even if he was alive.  No contact at all.  Many family members passed away, many babies born and he missed all of this. 

So here is where it gets weird... Last night he called me.  He has had contact with my uncle, my grandmother, and my sister.  (I was last on the list because I am a little less forgiving) 

So my advice for you and your friend is to go with it.  If you feel okay with the fact that there have been years lost, maybe they were lost for the best.  People come in our lives for various reasons, they serve a purpose and when that purpose is done, they move on.  Maybe their purpose isn't completely fulfilled.   

people can adapt and things change about people... situations and motives have great power over us..... but i think the "core" of people remains...if you get the core and like the core... then thats your anwer.

9 years is a helluva long time to reunite with someone. Alot of changes and growing takes place in that amount of time on both parts. It never hurts to be friendly at any time, no matter who it is, what was said or done. Every encounter is a new experience and we all learn something from them. Each of us holds the ball in our court and we have the choice and power to choose people in our lives that are good to us. We also chose how we want to be treated by others. I say be friendly.. respond to him, keep things short and simple and see what his intentions are. From there you will be able to decide whether or not you are comfortable persuing a deeper friendship or relationship.

Hey Lindsay,

I have done both in this situation.  Each time with different people.  The time I didn't forgive, I was glad that I didn't.  It would have just meant getting wrapped up in a lot of drama that I didn't want or need.  However, the times that I have forgiven have been 50/50.  50 percent of them I was glad that I forgave and 50 percent of them I wish I hadn't. 

People change and you will never know if this person has changed unless your friend talks to him.  If nothing else, when it is all said and done you chalk it up to experience; and uou are able to move on with no regrets.  I know this isn't anything different that what everyone else has said, but I hope it helps.

 Cheers!

Peace & Love. We have to teach others how to treat us.  We have to set boundries and stick to them.  We need to forgive others, but not forget. If we all love ourselves, then there would be no reason to hurt others.

Take care,

Crystal

Meet up, have lunch, talk, catch up, forgive so you can stop thinking about it, and go back to whatever you were doing before you had lunch. Dont get tied up in the drama and someone that craps on your feelings once may or may not do it again. If they do you are going to feel like an ass.

Catch up, clear you mind about it and walk away