Who is actually bothered about the Olympics? We were all shiting ourselves because we're unable to host the games in 2012, that we just forgot about the one in China. This probably explains why we've got a pile of medals the size of Georgia's armed forces (I like how some people wont get that).

There aren't even any decent sports in the Olympics. Judo? I've seen better fights in a primary school playground. And as for archery, why don't we just send in Ray Mears with his home-made birch-wood spear? The Olympics is just a collaboration of crap sports that nobody wants to watch, but we are forced to endure every so many years - kind of like sports day; but without the segregation.

Now I understand that the Olympic games have been going on for hundreds of years, and it's all a big dollop of tradition. However, you'd have thought that the sporting events would have evolved with the modern times. In a world of Global Positioning Satellites, nano-chip technology and being able to watch Asian women do sexy dances from across the other side of the world, the Olympic events should represent the ever-changing times of our planet. Nobody wants to watch German fe-MALES grunt loudly as they launch a lump of metal into the crowd. (Well, some people want to see that shit, but they won't be reading this because they're too busy with World of Warcraft.)

The Olympic games needs a makeover. I suggest calling in camp duo Colin and Justin...

...so they can be shot. Having disposed of them, we can carry on with the makeover.

Now I don't think we should get rid of all of the original events - just most of them. For example, we'll keep the 100m sprint, but we'll have various different versions:

We can have people running the 100m that are pumped full of steroids. If somebody wants to run it in four seconds, then I want to watch them. Another version of the 100m is to get obese fatties and make them run it. They're gonna need some encouragement, so I suggest that they get chased by crazy heroin junkies with dirty syringes. We'll have to do a few practice runs, but if this still isn't enough, then we'll just put a burger at the end of the running track - the first one there gets the prize. There are two advantages of this; it will cut down on the cost of medals, and we will always know which nation is going to win - the US of A.

Now there's much more to the Olympics than track and field events - such as pikey shovelling. Tie a pikey to a post and give each athlete a spade, the first athlete to dispose of their pikey wins. It's always the simplest sports that are the most enjoyable to watch. This sort of thing can also be combined with the running events - a sort of idiot-killing-biathlon. People get chased by more crazed junkies, but this time, there's a lead pipe at the end of the 400 meter running track - the first one there gets the lead pipe whilst the other people have to use their bare hands. Naturally the first person to kill off their junkie wins, the second person gets silver, and so on and so forth.

The Olympics shouldn't all be about killing people, it should be about not killing people too. Holding athletes family at gunpoint ought to break a few world records. 'You Run, They Live!' - what a slogan. And of course, we'll have other non-violent sports such as 'tag-team pig catching' and 'who can construct a life-size model of the average obese American out of paper-mache'.

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You're probably thinking that these are just ridiculous ideas from the brain of a deranged retard (which is partly true) but the next time you sit down to watch the telly-box, just switch over to the Olympic games - you'll see how categorically mind-numbing it really is. With ideas such as the ones I've put forward today, the Olympic games might actually be something we all look forward to every four years, not just a mindless chore that must be endured.

I don't know about you, but I'd much rather watch 'who can do the biggest turd in one hour', than watching China win another bloody medal.