The obituary for customer service

Has anyone else noticed how many self service kiosks have been appearing at local restaurants, grocery stores and various other places that used to require actual people?

I just finished reading a story in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette about how they are going to start installing them in pharmacies, so that you can call in your prescription and then go pick it up at like 2 a.m.

For a while I didn't understand why, it doesn't really save manpower because they still need people to monitor the machines so when some idiot hockey mom sets her purse on the scale and the machine screams, they can politely tell her she shouldn't be allowed to operate such high-tech equipment.

To put it bluntly, we are not eliminating cashiers, we are swearing in members of the idiot police.

But that still doesn't answer the question of why you would do this. Then, at the grocery store the other day, I was given a first-hand lesson. It's because people have lost their basic customer serving abilities.

I'm not talking like "Oh I lost my keys," no, more like "I lost my virginity." It's gone and it ain't comin' back.

I walked into the grocery store with a list of four items. I needed mozzarella cheese, Bruschetta, bread crumbs for meatballs, and spaghetti sauce.

Now anyone who knows me knows that I shop in a weird way. I don't go in order of the store, I go in order of my list because if I deviate, my ADD kicks in and I forget something.

Like I'll go in for milk and cereal, get distracted by the new selection of holiday cookies and forget the milk. Still have the cereal, but nothing to eat it will.

This is not a rare occurrence, so I always carry and stick to a list.

Alrighty, so I went to cooler with the expensive cheeses and got the Bruschetta. Now for the bread crumbs. Having no idea where bread crumbs might be (are they with the croutons? Are they with the bread? Maybe with the bird feed, I don't know.) I see a somewhat normal looking employee stocking the cooler next to where I was standing.

"Excuse me," I ask politely and totally prepared to act naively about my bread crumbs.

Nothing. He continues stocking. Ok, maybe he didn't hear me, I do have a very quiet voice … sometimes.

"Uh, hum. Excuse me," I say staring right at him.

Nothing. Ok, I know he heard me because the woman three feet past him heard me and turned to look but he is still stocking.

Now, I'm pissed.

"Umm, excuse me, "I said while tapping him on the shoulder.

He suddenly jerks his head to look right at me and says, "I'm busy, ask someone else."

And the winner for customer service provider of the year is …

Somewhat dismayed, see an employee a couple of aisles over setting up a sample table, so I head for her since she is offering two things I need … information and free stuff.

As I approach, she is in the midst of chips into little plastic cups.  Then, as she makes eye contact with me she stops, wipes her nose with her ungloved hand and continues portioning out chips.

And the winner for best hygiene is …

While surprised and angry at not getting free stuff -- because even I have standards --

I still needed information and I wanted to be a good customer and tell her about her rude co-worker.

So I asked her where to find the bread crumbs and she very politely told me. So, figuring I had found a decent human being, I decided to tell her about her rude co-worker.

"I just wanted to let you know that I asked that employee over there for help and he basically ignored me and told me to go away."

I have to say, her response was classic.

"Oh don't mind Jim, he's just an asshole."

Let's analyze this. There was no, "sorry for treating you badly Mr. Patron," or "I'll be sure to tell management about your complaint." Oh no, I get "he's just as asshole."

Awesome.

So, now in shock, I stumble over to the bread crumbs and begin looking at my options.

Do I want Italian bread crumbs or stuffing bread crumbs or plain bread crumbs? Do I want large bread crumbs or fine bread crumbs or … God please let this end.

How is it they can come up with – not kidding – 18 different kinds of bread crumbs and yet we haven't cured a new disease since the 1950s?

As I stood there, pondering this thought, a third employee takes it upon himself to come up to me.

"You know, if you really want to save money you can just buy a loaf of bread and dry it out."

Ok, because that's the kind of timeframe I working with. I'm buying ingredients for my dinner three days from now, so that should work out just fine. Plus bread crumbs cost $1.95, and bread is $2.49 a loaf … which leads me to ask, where are the idiot police when you need them?

I was so mentally exhausted that I quickly headed to the self-checkout, paid for my items and left, happy to have no more forced interactions.

Happy that is …

 Until I realized I forgot spaghetti sauce and had to go back.