A study in the obvious … with a side of egg rolls

I guess I should begin this week's cute little rant by stating for the record that I am in fact a recovering fat kid. Not like all the way recovered, but working my way through the steps.

For the record, step four, "Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves," is a real pain in the ass.

Even though I say "recovering," please don't take that to mean I would use words like "skinny" or "attractive" or "worthwhile" to describe myself, it simply means the scale only spins three revolutions when I step on it.

However, this is an improvement I assure you. I used to be really fat – like people would avoid being confined in small spaces (like elevators) with me for fear we would be trapped and I would try to eat them.

But while my body is (slowly) morphing itself into a smaller version, I still maintain the mindset of a fat kid. It has engrained itself in my soul and that takes a long time to change (see what I mean about step four).

So I find myself hyper-aware of situations where being overweight was a problem. After I watched the news and saw the story about the national obesity statistics with video of fat people from the neck down, I suddenly developed a super radar for finding cameras.

Sidenote: Despite the fact that you cut off their heads, they still know it's them on T.V. How dumb are you if you don't realize that?

Oh my, look at that fat lady on television (crunch, crunch, crunch) she must shop in the larger section of the stores I shop at. Oh look, she's spilled mustard … oh honey just put soda water on it, trust me, I know because it happened to me this morning.

Which leads me to mention a story  I read in USA Today. I think the lead of the story can describe it best:

"When it comes to eating at Chinese buffets, normal-weight diners have a much different approach from that of obese patrons."

Ok first off – DUH!

I will take this opportunity to remind the readers that we haven't cured AIDs yet, Cancer is still kicking our collective butts and those pesky genetic diseases are still around, but the good researchers at Cornell University's Food and Brand Lab are spending their time watching fat people at Chinese buffets.

Awesome.

The jist of the story is that Cornell paid people to go to buffets and watch people eat. They learned fat people and normal-weight bastards (sorry that's my step four working itself out) approach eating at a buffet differently, which I totally believe.

Normal people are going strictly for nourishment that tastes good, fat people are going into battle. It's us vs. our pathetic tiny stomachs in a race against time.

Why? Because normal diners are not concerned with the number of plates or amount of food they consume, simply that they get what they want.

My response is simply to say: You people suck.

My theory is: How much food can I get in there before my stomach realizes it and makes me feel full?

Seriously, buffets are one of the only chances for us large Americans to strike back at an unfair world. For us to see the fear in the restaurant owner's eyes as we plop down our $9.95 and straighten our elastic waistbands, knowing that we are getting our money's worth.

Everything in this study supports my theory because I do every single one of the "traits" they associate with fat people. Let's look at the findings in this "groundbreaking" study:

Fat people are more likely to use forks instead of chopsticks. Well duh, let's see … small dull sticks or large shovel-like instrument?

Also, fat people are more likely to get food before looking over all the options. What does it matter if I know everything that's there, I'm going to try all of it anyway, so the purpose of knowing beforehand is … unneeded exercise. Um, let's see do I want the sesame chicken or the fried rice? Both, the answer is always both.

Another shocking finding was that fat people sat an average of 16 feet closer to the buffet that normal people. If you need me to explain why, then there is no hope for you.

The only finding that surprised me is that the fat people chewed their food only 12 times, as opposed to their normal counterpart's 16 times. This I believe is a mistake on the part of my large brethren, due to a desire to finish quickly and therefore get more. If my people were smart, they would chew longer to get smaller pieces, thereby allowing them to fit more in because you can digest it faster.

Not that I have thought a lot about this.

So basically this study was funded to give me another reason to be paranoid in public. Now I have to be on the lookout for cameras, whaling ships trying to harpoon me and people watching me in buffets.

And I'm at peace with that. Ok, step four: Check.