i recently gave my friend the first chapter (or perhaps a little less of the EXCITING KICKASS LESBIAN NOVEL that i'm writing), and he's yet to say anything about it. my TOTAL neurosis/insecurity/vanity lead me to the following rant to my girlfriend, that i thought was sooo true about my character, that i should share it with the UNIVERSE (that is known as 'myspace'):

jacob hasn't responded about my story. i feel so selfish and vain that i'm DYING to know what he thinks. why oh why? i should just keep writing and perhaps he'll never say anything. perhaps i should just have you read it and get your suggestion on whether i should take it one way or the other. perhaps this is the whole root of my codependence putting my OWN story into someone else's hands. that's it!

i shouldn't let anyone read it right now. the truth is, i'm too vulnerable about what others could say about it. it could crush me.

did you know that when i was a child my brother read this story i had written about this whole family of spiders that lived in an attic corner, and he said that it was boring, so i deleted it? the whole thing? and it was twenty pages of a story i LOVED? why would i do that? i deleted the whole story, crying the whole time. and then blamed him! how stupid of me. BAH! bahbah!

i'm done with that. i'm writing because i LOVE to write, and make up these whole worlds where people do as i tell them! hahahaha! and of course i want it to be entertaining and (whatever --- fill in the blank with something grandiose here, please), but as of right now, i'm writing because it's the only thing i have that is secret, and of my own creation, and that i am not depending on someone to hold up for me and call it 'good.'..

yeah.