"It's the little things, the little things not expectation that make life worth living" JJ Grey...

That just about sums up my problem right there. Right now I am at work...on 1 of the 2 Saturdays I get off, doing overtime. Keep that in mind as I ramble on here for a moment...

Expectations... man they are a bitch. Think of everything you're expected to do in your on personal life. In mine im expected to be a good husband and father, provide for my family (those 3 things alone involve a dozen of their own expectations) be a good son, be a good citizen in society. And those expectations each have their own weight, some heavier than others. My greatest fear is failure. Most of my life I have considered myself a failure and I had accepted that fact. As I got older I learned life doesn't care what you have accepted the rent is still due on the 1st. So I started taking more responsibility and trying to be more mature. But the moment that I realized the tremendous expectations in my life was the first moment I saw my daughter. She was a life that I had created and was expected to raise and provide for. Those expectations took away from some of the joy I should have experienced. I am very proud of my Lila, everyday I love her more. At the same time the expectations keep me from her and helping raise her... im expected to provide for my family, but also spend time with them to help teach my daughter how to grow up. Which expectation is more important? How do I juggle them both?! And what about myself? Am I selfish to want to sleep in one morning of the week?

Sitting down and writing this helps though... makes things clearer a little. "It's the little things.... that make life worth living" but the problem is finding those little things and enjoying them. Who cares if it's a nice day out when you have to go to work? Well at least it isn't raining right? How do you see these little things with these huge expectations in front of you? If I can just try to think like that then maybe things will be a little easier.

When I was young I experienced a very unique moment in my life. I had been going to a new church that had really expanded my spiritual life and when praying/meditating (I wasn't so much praying but just trying to be closer to god by letting everything go and open myself to him) I had a sudden realization. An epiphany, revelation, whatever you want to call it. God had called me to be a great leader for him and bring the lost to find him. It was so powerful that I didn't doubt what had happened for one moment and never have since. (for those who read this and are surprised I don't blame you, I have a very simple belief in god and spirituality, I don't believe in rules made by man or church, just that you should be as Christ like as possible and you have to truly believe that he died for you sins and rose again after death. at some point in your life something happens to make you truly believe that) Nut as time passed more and more I doubted myself. How could I be responsible for people's salvation when I was such a failure? So I decided not to take that path. Was it cowardly? Probably. But it is the decision I made because I didn't want the expectations that came along with what god had planned for me.

So from then on I have lived my life the way I wanted. Living with the expectations I had chosen for myself and trying to enjoy the little things.... the problem was the little things weren't good things. And now I don't know how to see or understand when those little things happen so that I can enjoy them. Im too busy with the expectations that weigh me down.

I don't know how much of this makes sense...probably very little of it... im sitting at my desk (working overtime even though its slow and there's is no work to really do) wondering do I erase all this because 1: it probably doesn't make any sense to me or anyone else and 2: do I want anyone to know what I have thought about here. But I guess I will post it...maybe this is the little thing that makes life worth living... talking about something personal and important and having the friends ive made who might read this and have something that helps or maybe read this and it helps them.