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Current mood:  drunk
Good morning, and welcome to another in depth look at an American Icon: The Kool-Aid Man. Today we'll have a brief overview of my history with the Kool-Aid Man followed by an interview with the man himself.
When discussing the Kool-Aid Man there's only one place to start....childhood. Being that I'm a member of the Black race, the Kool-Aid man was like a first-cousin to me when i was growing up. Always smiling down on me from his packets in my pantry, we were an inseparable team. Traces of our adventures still stain my Grandmother's carpet some 24 years later. I've always wanted to follow in his footsteps. I mean, who wouldn't want to burst through someones living room wall butt-assed-naked screaming, " OH YEEEAAHHHH!!!". Though i never got the job (i could never find the application form....just Kool-Aid points) I have done some freelance work, taking it upon myself to burst through the walls of random homes to bring the gift of 'Red Drank'. Though i would love to speak on that more, my case is still pending and my lawyer advises that i, "SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE!". His words not mine.
As i grew older my taste in drinks began to sway towards those of the alcoholic persuasion. Never one to leave a friend behind i still found ways to incorporate the Kool-Aid Man into my everyday life. Like say for instance you have a female friend over who finds the overly strong alcohol that you've poured for her bitter and nasty. Don't give up on the prospect of drunk sex just yet my friend. Simply say, "I apologize Darlin', let me fix you something a little lighter". She'll regard you as a gentleman and you'll regard her as a picky bitch who's lucky you didn't meet her slutty sister first. So you take that exact same drink, put it in a slightly larger glass and add copious amounts of sugar. Then you go to the pantry to call on the help of an old friend. The dialog will go something like this:
me: ppssttt! pppssssstttt! aye, Kool-Aid Man....
Kool-Aid Man: What up dude? You seen Mrs. Butterworth 'round here? That bitch got a fat ass and I'm trying to burst through her walls.....ya feel me? yaseewhatimsayin'....huh..*wink wink*
me:ummmmm yeah....uh...whatever nigga, look.....I need you to do me a solid favor. Could you 'freshen up' this drink for my young lady?
Kool-Aid Man: No doubt, what ya need? A l'il lemon-lime? Some standard fruit-punch.....
me: Nah, I need something that's going to remind her of the tropics and shit like that...
Kool-Aid Man: I got you.....Slammin' Orange and Kiwi Blast!
me: Oh hell yeah, that's what's up!
Kool-Aid Man: If you want to go full island style there's some little umbrellas behind the soy sauce.
me: Soy sauce? Dude that's ketchup!
Kool-Aid Man: Really? Damn.....Y'all need to clean this muthafucka more often.
me: Yeah, well you live in this pantry so clean it yourself. Have some pride nigga. I'll holla....
Kool-Aid Man: Hey....can i watch?
me: eewww nigga, fuck no!
Kool-Aid Man: iight, iight....but you'll come back and tell me about it right?
me: you got that.
Kool-Aid Man:oh ye-
me: sshhhhh! She's right in the next room dude!
together: oh yeeeaaahhhh!
So that's the general gist of our relationship. I'm sure there's lots of other stories that i could have told but I'm already late for a date at Jocko's Turkey and Pancakes. So without further ado i present to you the man of the hour......
Welcome to the program KM. What it do baby?
KM: Same ol' shit. Shaking them haters.
Speaking of haters, you've been in some pretty bitter lawsuits lately. Care to speak on that?
KM: Yeah, a few parents are seeking money for property damages. But that's my JOB. Their kids get thirsty and say, "Boy it sure is hot, i wish i had something sweet and cheap as Hell to drink. Something so full of potent color dye that my insides get irreversibly stained to the point that the poor bitch who does my inevitable autopsy passes the fuck out at the sight of my unnaturally rainbow-colored innards". Then i show up and burst through the wall like in the commercials. We've all seen the commercials. We all know how i roll. If you don't want me fucking up your sheet rock i suggest you either tell you kids to shut the fuck up when they're thirsty or make your front door big enough for me and my awkwardly huge handle-head. Then i got busted for public indecency out in Florida. But what the fuck do they want me to do Jay? It's not my fault that i can't find clothes. I've run across a few 'Big and Tall' shops but I've never run across 'Thompson's Huge And Big Bowl Shaped Full of Fucking Sweet Red Drank Clothing Shoppe For The Man On The Go With A Big Ass Handle On The Side Of His Head'. For one, i don't think they make signs big enough to put the store name on. And for two, I'd probably be their only customer so i can't imagine their business model to be at all profitable. But i digress.....
Indeed you do my nigga. But besides that everything's cool?
You sure?
But I've heard that you were beefing with the kids from the Flavor-Aid company. click here for the history of flavor-aid.KM: Yeah i saw them bitches at the 'Drink Somethin' 07' convention. i'm posing for pics and shit right? Yeah, well these l'il lame ass swagger jackin' bitches come through and they're talking mad shit. Well it wasn't really them but they were with some niggas from the Capri Sun camp and you know i rock with Sunny Delight. I'm Sunny D-Block all day! So as you know CS and Sunny D been beefin' and i was a l'il full that day. I ain't gonna lie to you Jay, i had poured a few gallons of vodka in my head plus i was on a few lines of Pixie-Stix so i was bucked up. So it popped off and I was Z'ing them dudes! I mean clean knocked out ya heard me?!? Crystal-Light tried to break it up and i was slingin' them hoes off me left and right. Somebody had caught it on their camera phone and put it on youtube but the lawyers at Capri-Sun started bitching so they took it down. But for the record FUCK HATER-AID AND CAPRI-DONE, THEM BITCHES IS OVER!!
Ummm...ok. Calm down dude, that shit was months ago. Take a deep breath. You good?
So....you've been tied to Mrs. Butterworth in the past months. Are you planning on settling down or what?
KM: uh, are you going to air this part? i mean...are we off the record or what?
Nigga, this shit is live. It's happening as we sit here. So i'll ask you again, are you going to settle down with her?
KM: we....uh...I mean
Cool. But you can't deny that you're a lady's man. You've been linked to Mrs. Dash, Betty Crocker, Sara Lee, the Land O' Lakes butter broad....
KM: Yeah, i used to get around. But that's all in my past. Plus Uncle Ben is my nigga and he was dealin' with Betty Crocker and if he wanted to give her 'the San Fransisco treat' I'm not the type to step on his toes, ya feel me?
Totally. So what's next? New flavors?
New commercials?
Mo' money then?
Cool. Well thanks for coming on "A Jaypah Introspective". I'm sure we all look forward to your new flavors and i hope you have much continued success. I'll holla at you later at the crib. Watch those wires on the floor on your way out.
KAM: Thanks for having me on Jaypah. I'll see you at the crib. You bring your girl over and i'll get at Mrs. B and we can pop some of these Sweet-Tarts and see what it do. Get at a nig-oh, shit! whoa, whoa!!!!!
*crash*
Damn dude, i told you to watch them fucking wires on the floor. Are you alright?
Well this concludes another episode of "A Jaypah Introspective". I guess I'm going to be late for my date after all. Iight y'all, let me go and clean this shit up. I'll holla....
this has been another Jaypah/Raven Flock production. later days fuckers! ~J@YP@H
2:49 PM
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