Not that I think I'm Tim Gunn or anything like that (I'm not nearly that funny), but I think it's time for skinny jeans to go. Where we live in Uptown you can walk around and at any given moment find at least one hipster, punk, or pseudo punk sporting skinny jeans. It looked cool on Joey Ramone, but chances are it doesn't on most everyone else.

My first bone to pick with the skinny jean is that a lot of its wearers are not necessarily skinny. It's called a skinny jean. Not an average jean, or a more to love jean. A skinny jean is maybe not the best idea for those of you folks whose ribs and spine aren't clearly visible through their skin. It can easily become a Muffin Top Enhancing jean. I'm of average size and even I know I'm too much of a lardass by skinny jean standards to even think about trying a pair on.

Second, and most importantly, I'm pretty sure that skinny jean wearers have never had a good full view of their own asses whilst adorned in the skinny jean. I'm here to break the news to you: IT'S NOT FLATTERING. It almost looks as if one's ass in a skinny jean is pressed hard up against an invisible pane of glass. Combined with the overall tightness in the undercarriage area, it makes your butt look like the crotch area of a penguin. It's as if instead of 2 buttcheeks, you're giving the illusion that you only have one. I guess I'll refer to that as "Eggbutt", because that's what it looks like.  

Not cute.

Let's initiate an early retirement for the skinny jean and bring this unflattering insanity to a much needed end.