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As many of you are aware from the headlines over the last two days, I had something scary happen that seems to have disappeared. While I won't go into too many details, what I will tell you is that what I had been worried about for the past two-three months almost happened, and surely would have had I not taken the actions I did yesterday. I'm not entirely out of trouble now (in fact, in some ways, I put myself into greater trouble because of it), but because of the actions I did take, I will be a lot closer to getting that problem completely resolved the next time it comes this close than I was this time.
I also made a decision yesterday that I intend to standby. Due to the fact that the other most important person in this, who needs to hear it first - the person I am about to talk about - has not been talked to about it yet, I can not disclose details right now of that decision. (The other person I had to talk to about this should be obvious, but has a strong wish to remain anonymous.)
As many of you are well aware of by now, I've had many frustrations with my family over the years, in particular my parents. I've bitched and complained about both of their actions, and chose to live with my maternal grandparents when my mom chose to be with a certain someone. While I don't need to go into great detail about the matter - most of you have heard me bitch about it too many times - I do need to clear up a few matters.
First, if you're angry with my mom, or dislike her, I hope it's not for or because of me. There are a few people who feel that my mom is - to put it in the mildest, blandest stretch - pretty low. I know that most of you who feel this way don't feel it because of how much I complain - but for those who do, you need to remember that the most I feel with my mom is frustrated, because there's never really been a time in our lives where things have been easy or good, where there's been nothing but good in it. My mom's not perfect, but don't mistake what I bitch about as me hating my mom.
Second, I came to terms with many of the mistakes my mom has made a long time ago, and been slowly but surely moving away from that. Now that I'm near the age that she was when she made those mistakes with my, I can understand how and why she made some of the choices she did, and in some ways, I feel really bad for holding it against her for as long as I did. The things I am having problems with now have little to do with the past other than the fact that they're disagreements we have with each other.
Third, You've heard me bitch about her, but not many of you have heard me defend her until now. My mom has a great knack for making friends my sisters and my friends, and is someone many people relate to more than myself. She does try more often than not to help and be there for my sister and I - many of the reasons why she was never at my functions has a lot more to do with me than with her. She is a open and caring person, and sometimes I bitch about her more than she deserves.
The thing is, my mom is human - I'm not going to agree with everything she says or does, and she's going to make some mistakes that hurt either her or myself sometimes. She is a strong, compassionate, caring person, though, and she really doesn't deserve some of the shit she has to go through, either with myself or other people.
I love my mom, and I will always love her, even if I don't understand or agree with her. It's that love that made my decision definite yesterday, and I only hope that the conditions of that decision never happen again.
After I discuss my decision with her, the rest of you will know.
5:21 AM
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