I'm trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself. I feel it within me that makes me down myself to believe my life is not worth it.

I don't know how to explain it because it isn't depression. It's not that I don't want to be part of the world or to be separated from society. I just know that what I have I don't want. Do I truly know what it is I want? I can not say what I don't have. If I had it then would I still want it? Doesn't make sense I know, but on some level I know ...

I have no problem being the faceless masses, in fact I do prefer it that way. I wish I could somehow make people not feel sorry for me. It only makes me feel sorry for myself. Is there a way for you to help so I can help others, and in turn help myself?

During interlude's homelessness I learn many things about myself. I see in others what I do and accept shortcomings and faults we all share. There are times I think this suffering will never end. Instances I choose not to enjoy because I know it is false existing, making sadness worse. I become aware to expect only the worst because best comes too far and too few between. Know what I mean?

I'm not quite sure how I've let this be, it is what it is ...

I'm tired ...

Repeating these things over and over again, see? Yet, choices given me never remedy life's disease.

I wake up in the morning and walk to the library, wasting time.I go feed from the stations like an animal or native that can't leave the reservation, wasting time. Finishing the day chilling where my friends stay until the moon lights to lead me away, wasting time. Wasting time is exactly what I choose to do. No motivation's goal to brighten my torn soul. I see no reason to do so.

All I want is for this to be over even when I'm in good's mood and it's pleasant I still harbor darkness I never want to let go.

Reflection reminds me of vast opportunities I once held. Now it seems everything is kept away ... It's not that it's hard to undertake an endeavor, it's the constant defeat that repeats and keeps me from whatever. It's not the number of obstacles, but the boundless way it stops us all.

I see it all around me, within me, from me, and in all of we ... but I really don't.

I know I can blame others, blame myself - but it still seems to be symptoms of the root disease and no one wants the cure. I feel if I continue this path I'll either get it or I won't.

I'm just rambling ...

My problem still exists. I know I feel it. I do what I do to run away so I don't have to cope. Seems like it doesn't matter though each day I wake and it's still the same as the last.

Maybe I should let my inside reflect my outside rather then try to be a better person. I should just be who I am. I have so much hatred towards the world. I want everyone gone and I don't care.

Somewhere in the past I made one too may incorrect choices that has led me here. Now I don't know how to escape it, and I'm not real sure I want to or if I should.

I am aware ...

that much I do know ...

I choose to seek why I am this way.

I am not depressed about my life and how it's has turned out. I have gotten past that. Yes, I have attachment to a life that could have been, but I know it will never happen because I know it is not what I really want ...

I don't want the life I am currently given, yet I am still living. Why? What is there for me? When I look at the world all I see is greed, hatred, and disease. I see it in my attachments that won't let go.

I am aware of these ills and try not to be the same, especially living as I do. It doesn't make sense to me how people want to be treated, yet don't treat each other the same.

It makes me feel like I will never get ahead because no one else will allow any one else to get ahead. I feel I have to sacrifice and give up on myself to show others the way  even when they aren't even trying.


I do
what I do

because
I'm a fuck up

aware unconscious
to undo the ...

programming

slow snail's pace
munching roses