If you don't appreciate off color cynicism stemming from a steroid rage issue, discontinue reading immediately. ;o)
1.) Where did you live in 2006?
Union Gospel Mission, Bunk Number 72
2.) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Dancing with Myself, Oh Oh Oh Oh,
to quote my good friend, Billy Idol.
Or- You Can't Touch This,
to quote my abstinence abiding friend, MC Hammer.
3.) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
4.) How did you earn your keep?
The dingy corner of fifth and main. Double trouble Fridays: watch for it.
Other than that, I pretended to be a blind, crippled, Vieht-nahm veteran with an amputated esophogus.
I got a pat on the back, a few dimes, and a bottle of Agent Orange household degreaser out of the entire operation.
5.) Did you end up in the hospital?
No yoyos and superglue this year, homie.
6.) Have you ever encountered the police?
Only the last time I ate a B.L.T.
7.) Where did you go on vacation?
La casa de tu madre
8.) What did you purchase that was over $50?
My ticket away from indentured servanthood. Too bad it entailed the loss of my innocence.
9.) Did you know anybody who got married?
I hope not. At this point in their lives, I would expect a healthy amount of cubic zirconia and a cheesy KC and JoJo song to match the proposal.
Yup, that's a relationship fit for a lifetime.
Good luck with that. Can't wait to see ya on Dr. Phil.
I'll tape it for ya and project it through your window the next time I hear ya'll bickering incessently over who killed the rest of the mayonaise.
10.) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Vulgar quantities of Keystone Light tends to do that to the college masses.
Speaking of that, I'm considering fleeing from Chico during Finals Week Friday, because I'm worried God's gonna decide to go all Sodom and Gommorah on its derrier. I don't want to see pillars of salt sprinkled across the suburban wilderness.
And as much as I enjoy flavor additives, I'm not going to gaze backward and witness the chaos.
Wait, so did God just pull out some playful irony upon the world? Cause Lot's wife technically turned into the salt of the earth. I guess her death made her the example by which we deviate our heathen paths.
11.) Have you run into anybody you graduated high school with?
Well, I do walk into stationary objects on occasion, so I would say, yes, I concur. Because concurring is obviously much more swank than simply "agreeing."
12.) Did you move anywhere?
I moved into a house with three members of the female persuasion. Please address that excommunication notice, my dear First Baptist Church, to a Mr. Alexander R. Fash. Send me some glass polishing cream and a frame while you're at it.
13.) What sporting events did you go to?
The Dane Cook tickets sold out, so I opted for the rythmic gymnastics championship. *Sigh* I'm still bummed about missing the asparagus festival. The vegetative sword dueling would've been a-w-e-s-o-m-e.
14.) What concerts did you go to?
I went to the Elivs Presley revival tour, not knowing it'd be Benny Hinn presiding over a worn casket and screaming, "Be hea-uled!" while palm punching the King's decomposing remains in some sort of bastardized Lazarus raising mockery.
15.) Are you registered to vote?
No. I registered "Independent" at the "Democratic" table equipped with the banner of an ass. I don't think they appreciated my outspoken allergic reaction to their mascot character. Don't worry, the throat swelling is finally starting to diminish.
16.) If so, did you do your patriotic duty on Nov. 7?
"Patriotic Duty"? Yeah, That's the phrase used by Nascar fans to defend their sport.
Garner a new phrase.
Grab a thesaraus and go at it. And no, "thesaraus" is not an obscure sex act. Look up "go at it" in the thesaraus while you have it open. Neanderthol.
[ ;o) ]
17.) Where do you live now?
Refrigerator Box. Sigh, the text description on the side only gives the appearance of air conditioning.
18.) What did you do on your birthday?
Ate chocolate cake and cried because I felt bloated.
19.) What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2006?
Having James Haile mapquest me directions over the phone because I got lost walking.
20.) What is one thing you regretted this year?
No regrets, keep moving forward. =o)
21.) What's something you learned about yourself?
That I should try to change my job title to: "Status: Being Awesome." -And then continue to convince people to pay me just for being alive. -Just for kicks and giggles, of course. =o)
22.) Any new additions to your family?
This, again, raises a conversation between my benevolent soul brother of a brother, Peder, and I.
I say, "Hey you guys [my family], I have something to ask you guys..."
Peder, my brother, always empathetic to the plights of fragile young souls of uncorrupted innocence (yes, this is loaded phrasing. Get over it.) reaches gently over to me, lays his hand over my deltoid, and oh so gently releases a sweet nothing of aural delight into the air.
Yes. You were adopted. And, No. We don't love you.
Thank you Peder. At least I still have the big J.C. on my side.
And I don't mean NSync's JC Chazez, who once saved me from deplorable angst by granting me with the life motto that, "God muhst have spent, a little more time on youuuu."
...And if that wasn't enough to awaken the nerves and freshen the senses, he even went as far as to seal the deal with the chorus of
"Ooo oohhh o o, ooo, ooo, ooo, oooo, ohhh, ohhh."
That just settled in the deal and brought me out of my dear diary stage. Even if, when written out, it does sound like the adult film industry's equivalent of a B-movie script. If you don't understand the distasteful joke, read the chorus again and picture a room filled with steam and Herbal Essences commerical.
If you still didn't get it, then yes, the stork is the one that brings home little orphan Annie. Next conversation, we'll move on to barrier protection.
23.) What was your best month?
24.) What was your 2006 motto?
My 2005 motto was:
Procrastinators: Leaders of Tomorrow
I'm still working on a 2006 motto.
25.) Any new lovers in 2006??
Only on the d/l.
And by dl, I mean download. Take that however you will.
Ok, so that joke was inappropriate. But I found it quite clever and worthy of insertion. Ahh, I feel my self-referential commentary ended on a nice climatic note.
Time for a cig.
26.) Anything you wanted to do, but just couldn't?
I still can't blow bubblegum bubbles, dangit. Screw you Bubbalicious Easy Blows 3000, Purple Nurple Edition. You suck at life, you evil yet oh-so-delectable sugary morsels.
27.) What do you want for xmas?
Red Rider BB gun to take over the leftern hemisphere.
So! This idea devolved into an argument with my brother and I. To remain completely unbiased in order to adopt a non-partisan viewpoint of journalistic integrity, we're going to change the phrasings of the following sentences ever so slightly. My brother, we'll now refer to him as "Peder", adopted the notion that I, we'll refer to me as "The Intellectually Superior Party in the Context of This Conversation," was not the first one to create the idea that I will become the dictator of the "free world", but rather, that he instead, -and he alone- came up with the brilliant plan. He was attempting to steal my eureka moment with this blasphemous assertion? Don't even ask.
Oh wait. You didn't ask.
It was rhetorical.
Which is why You didn't respond, and I did.
SO, in order to appease the mindset of both concerned parties, I decided to offer my brother the northern and southern hemispheres in exchange for my ownership of the left and right hemishpheres.
Unfortunately, he did not fall to my ploy of sheer collegiate genius. He was instead distracted by the illustrious addition of the new Oreo, "Triple Stuft MegaPuffs" on the table next to him.
How was he distracted? I'd like to coin it "Bread and circus", baby. -Except contemporary times calls not for Bread and Circus, but rather, for Poptarts and Nascar. And I am just peachy keen with that.
28.)What are you giving for xmas?
My love. Awww, how cute.
And ohhhh, soo free.
29.) What are your plans for the New Year??
To set New Years Resolutions by next year.
And break them flagrantly
30.) How would you rate this year with a scale from 1 (worst) to 10 (best)?
9 and 3/4. It was magical.