Saturday (oohps) Sunday Scribbles 13th October 2007
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Friends, family and colleagues constantly ask me how I manage to have so much energy and do so much – as I lay back and bask in the praise I feel really guilty because the truth is far from their perceived reality.
All people see is the top few feet of an iceberg - literally.
In the outside world you see the carefully rehearsed "me" on a stage, performing, protesting, and projecting her personality in defence of, and very often in spite of, the world around me. I'm a bit like a snowplough – sweeping objections, excuses and protests out of my way. "You want to be a writer? – well what is stopping you".
One of my colleagues likened me a couple of months ago to an "oncoming storm" – taken from a TV series, and I thought the name fitted comfortably.
What you don't see is all the time that I am being me, the bit of the iceberg underneath the water. I am also quite capable of having a heart which is cold and unfeeling, quite calculated when I need to be. "Off duty" I am often self-centred, disorganised, obsessed with idea-hopping and a thoroughly dislikeable person. This is the side of me that I am not particularly proud of, but has its uses in the bigger picture sort of context. On the bright side, because I am not the person you pop in for a comfy chat with – this is how I find my time to write. Oh and please note "Warrior woman" can't cook or shop either.
Me loves writing because it avoids conflict and the expense of the needless energy that I have to use when I am performing. I can say I what I want to say without being shouted down and disregarded. Words on a page have the power to create order and have "sticking power". I can edit, re-write and hone this prose until I say EXACTLY what I want to say, without contradiction or having to compromise my carefully thought out and considered opinion. This is the side of me I am proud of because it makes "things" happen.
What I have to carefully monitor at all times though is the balance between these two parts of me. My ego can (and does) go into overdrive, I am so focused and passionate about what I perceive "needs" to be done that I forget to do the activities that nourish my creativity. I have to consciously decide that saving the planet can wait for another day, whilst I get on with spinning my new jumper. Yes – I do knit.
This week I started a new Writing Group, this has reminded me about what I NEED for my own personal creativity and the reason I do it for free is because you can't pay for that kind of inspiration. As a Writer and a person I have found that I feed off the enthusiasm of others – it is contagious. On a more cynical note, I can also pack up my bags and walk if I find myself and ideas being used for other's purposes.
So what is the point of this rambling? Yes I do project myself as super woman to the world, but underneath I am a mere mortal. I have a big and brash ego which has been carefully designed to be "fit for purpose" to fend off others wishing to attach themselves to me – yet underneath I have a very thoughtful, soft and cuddly, hermit-like wish to just exist – often in silence and be apart from the toxicity of people's personalities.
I am not someone to be admired or envied, I am just ME.
So I don't want to hear anymore wining, moaning, whinging or general pain in the arse backstabbing on any of my courses, groups or from any of the people I encounter in my life. You have a problem and want some help working it out – I am your woman. You want to be destructive, carping, manipulative or just down-right jealous and deceitful – go somewhere else you are not welcome in MY world.
You want the secret of my success? – it is simple, I will share it with you now, it will save time all around - YOU just work out what you want out of YOUR life and get on with it. But before you do, remember to take into account the price you will have to pay to do it.
I did, have paid every penny of that price and am now very happy and comfortable with my piece of the world. I feel every waking day that I have won big time in the lottery of life.
You want some of that? Well what are you waiting for?
My tip for this week? - WH Smiths sell pens and pads, or buy a bigger bag and nick them from your boss.
No postbag this week – I am fed up of people. Don't bother sending me any emails at all if the subject matter is me writing your book for you or where to buy a pen. To be quite blunt if you are that pathetic you don't deserve my writing time.
Inspiration – write about grasping freeloaders – there are enough of them around….
Have a good week !!!