1. I graduated 2nd in my class at sniper school. I decided to use my
powers for the greater good, however, and became a social worker.
(But
I still have my AR15, bitches.)2. I studied under Royce Gracie, himself. In Brazil. I'll knock your ass out.
3. The night that I spent in Bangkok with those 3 Italians and that
half pound of Buddah will always live in my fondest memories.
(You'll
be able to read about this in the memoirs, coming soon.)4. I am no longer allowed entry into the country of Uzbekistan for
reasons that are still classified and can't be divulged here. I would
tell you, but I don't want to have to kill you.
5. I pulled an "Ozzy at the Alamo" on the Eiffel Tower, but it was cold
and it was a long elevator ride and I just couldn't hold it any longer.
6. I still have 2 warrants in the state of Alabama for lewd and
lascivious acts. I tried to tell them we were just shooting a
documentary. They didn't believe me. Bastards.
7. Vicente Fox and I used to chop it up back in the day.
8. The song "Don't Stand So Close To Me," was dedicated to me. What can
I say? I was hot for teacher. And Sting has a crush on me.
9. On certain islands in the south Pacific that shall remain unnamed, I am still worshipped as a goddess.
10. Ex-Vice President Cheney called one evening and informed me that if
things didn't start going better for for the U.N. regarding the torture
issues, that he and Rumsfeld may need me to supply their baby regime
for 40 to life.
11. I was once asked to be a Feature Performer on American Idol, but
because I lost partial hearing due to a cockroach getting lodged in my
ear canal while I was imprisoned in a women's concentration camp in
Thailand, I had to turn down the offer.
12. I used to be employed with a Top Secret Government agency, and was
the head of a department involving Area 51, Watergate, and the illegal
breeding of chinchillas. I can't tell you any more or I'd have to have
you erased.
13. I once bought a Black Market fantail goldfish for $25 from a lady
in the back of a 1975 Eldorado. His name was Fat Nemo and he died two
weeks later.
14. I once drank two bottles of Southern Comfort and woke up in Vegas
with pasties on my nipples and a 454 Casull in my right hand.
15. I rode a moose over the Canadian border while being chased by a
Yeti because I'd unknowingly Interrupted his mating ceremony.
16. I've been shot at three times before. Twice on purpose, once by accident.
17. I once owed $3,000,000 to a loan shark. He threatened to encase my
feet in concrete and make me swim with the fishes unless I paid my debt
by Bush bond, but I was saved at the last minute by the Japanese
Yakuza. We're tight.
18. During a Satanic ritual for mind control, I accidentally sacrificed
the wrong animal and was temporarily hunted by the Marxists because the
head of the cult was really attached to his Schitzu.
19. I was involved in the development of undercover Antigravity
technology, but since Obama’s Memoranda will make it easier for the
release of such files to the public, I was forced to resign from the
project to keep from compromising national security.
20. There is a map to the lost city of Atlantis tattooed in the crack of my ass in ultraviolet ink.
21. I have slowly built up an immunity to cyanide and arsenic by
systematically sprinkling all of my food with the stuff, just in case
someone thinks they're going to "off" me.
22. I used to have Van Gogh's ear in a box that I kept in my underwear
drawer until a shady member of the family stole it from me and wrote
his name on it.
23. There used to be a midget in my pottery class that constantly
ruined my projects just before I could finish them. He's missing now.
I'm really proud of the 2-foot vase that sits in the corner of my
living room.
24. I once pretended to be Spiderman and scaled the wall of my hotel to
climb from balcony to balcony, risking life and limb, only to find out
that all of the doors on the second floor were locked from the inside
and I would NOT be sneaking into any of the rooms that way.
25. My Evil Plan:
Objective: Soul Accumulation.
My motive is a little bit more complex: Madness
Stage One
To begin my plan, I must first traumatize a military general. This
will cause the world to sign up for life insurance policies, terrified
by my arrival. Who is this demon straight out of hell? Where did they
come from? And why do they look so good as an evil twin/opposite?
Stage Two
Next, I must poison the eiffel tower. This will all be done from
Hell, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the
world will weep uncontrollably, as countless hordes of ninjas hasten to
do my every bidding.
Stage Three
Finally, I must send forth my needlessly big weather machine,
bringing about the end of all things. My name shall become synonymous
with all that is wrong with the world, and no man will ever again dare
refuse to be my prom date. Everyone will bow before my mind-boggling
insanity, and the world will have no choice but to whisper my name in
fear.
(One of these things actually IS true. Guess which one.)
Number 24 is the one that's true. I accidentally locked myself out on the balcony off the lobby, and after scaling the wall once and realizing that the doors were locked there too, I had to do it all over again just to get back to where I was to begin with. I did finally get the attention of someone staying on the next floor up to come down and open the door for me.
It was highly mortifying.
